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Preparing for an Aunt's Death

movingfingermovingfinger Posts: 117
edited January 2006 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Pickled, unblinking eyes
formaldehyde
"We'll make you beautiful honey."
croons a man dressed in black
holding the box of her juices

Skin floats around collapsed veins
Gas bloats, releases
Leaving a remarkable
Stench

Resplendent,
At least for a day
She finds her way
Into the ground
leaving those left
to contemplate
their final grimace
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it

-- Omar Khayyam
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    This poem demonstrates a successful selection of image, dialogue and description, all the more effective in its treatment of theme for its avoidance of sentimentality.
  • movingfingermovingfinger Posts: 117
    thank you. I still feel that it needs work
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
    The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
    Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
    Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
    Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it

    -- Omar Khayyam
  • Being EnlightenedBeing Enlightened Posts: 5,746
    movingfinger wrote:
    thank you. I still feel that it needs work

    I really enjoyed this, movingfinger! Especially the first 2 stanzas---IMO, I think if you change up the last 3 lines of the last stanza, it'll be a lot stronger. :)
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    I'd take out the day/way couplet. I thought about whether the adjective "Resplendent" achieved the right effect, but since it follows "stench", the juxtaposition of putridity and splendour could work.
  • Ms. HaikuMs. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,265
    I have never read a poem about this subject before. I don't think I've even read a poem about this subject from Dickinson who would, no doubt, have writen a poem about this subject. That's excellent! You've found the new old story.
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
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