Feeling better

Squidge

Vs1
The clock reads seven A.M
He’s sitting with a glass in his hand,
He’s waiting for a day that will not come
Obsessive, he doesn’t admit
That he’s getting hard to predict,
Sitting pretty for a day that will not come

Vs2
My heart bleeds to see him like this,
Wears his shame on his sleeve to threaten his wrist
Ducks for cover, yeah, ‘cause he’s been hit before.
It wasn’t always this bleak,
He used to smile, used to sleep
And used to keep his head out of the ground.....


It's my song in working progress, would love to hear some feedback....

Spook Fish

Hey Squidge! you get about dude!

thats good lyrics - what kind of context / genre is it in?

i like the:
'Wears his shame on his sleeve to threaten his wrist
Ducks for cover, yeah, ‘cause he’s been hit before' bit.

pretty dark kid....

Squidge

Spook Fish wrote:

Hey Squidge! you get about dude!

thats good lyrics - what kind of context / genre is it in?

i like the:
'Wears his shame on his sleeve to threaten his wrist
Ducks for cover, yeah, ‘cause he’s been hit before' bit.

pretty dark kid....

Hey Spook, yes i do, and you do too!

Thanks for the feedback, the genre.....well. I get puzzled when trying to answer that. Kinda grungy, simple sorta stuff.

I really appreciate your comments, i am not that dark a person...just thought of a situation and tried to put myself in it.

I really like your poem, it is silky man you should continue that!!

FinsburyParkCarrots

I think the only line that could go is "My heart bleeds to see him like this". Your speaker expresses more than adequately this feeling already, in the song's considerate observation - through images and observations - of the main character. The lyric's strength is in the "showing" and I think it doesn't need that one line of "telling".

It's good. I like it.

Squidge

Spook Fish wrote:

Hey Squidge! you get about dude!

thats good lyrics - what kind of context / genre is it in?

i like the:
'Wears his shame on his sleeve to threaten his wrist
Ducks for cover, yeah, ‘cause he’s been hit before' bit.

pretty dark kid....

Hey Spook, yes i do, and you do too!

Thanks for the feedback, the genre.....well. I get puzzled when trying to answer that. Kinda grungy, simple sorta stuff.

I really appreciate your comments, i am not that dark a person...just thought of a situation and tried to put myself in it.

I am feeling your 'colours collide' as well, it is silky man!.

Squidge

Squidge wrote:

Hey Spook, yes i do, and you do too!

Thanks for the feedback, the genre.....well. I get puzzled when trying to answer that. Kinda grungy, simple sorta stuff.

I really appreciate your comments, i am not that dark a person...just thought of a situation and tried to put myself in it.

I am feeling your 'colours collide' as well, it is silky man!.

Apologies for the multiple posts......makes me want to dismantle my computer and then proceed to eat it....component by filthy, malfunctioning component.

Squidge

FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:

I think the only line that could go is "My heart bleeds to see him like this". Your speaker expresses more than adequately this feeling already, in the song's considerate observation - through images and observations - of the main character. The lyric's strength is in the "showing" and I think it doesn't need that one line of "telling".

It's good. I like it.

I think i know what you're saying, that the line is the only one which brings the speaker into consideration (?) keep the song detached.

Thanks for the feedback mate, appreciated.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Squidge wrote:

I think i know what you're saying, that the line is the only one which brings the speaker into consideration (?) keep the song detached.

Thanks for the feedback mate, appreciated.

Yes. Lines like these

Obsessive, he doesn’t admit
That he’s getting hard to predict,
Sitting pretty for a day that will not come

show the narrator's ironic detachment from the character, and you get the feeling that the narrator knows the mind of the character better than the character himself. In narratology (the study of narrative), the narrator has to be outside the world of the story, like an author, to be able to see into the mind of the character. After all, a first-person narrator in the spatio-temporal midst of a story can't focalise inside people's minds because he's not telepathic. The narrator of this song is authorial and distanced but he's not without deep empathy and sympathy for the character.

Cheers. I need something to eat after rambling all that.

Squidge

FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:

Yes. Lines like these

Obsessive, he doesn’t admit
That he’s getting hard to predict,
Sitting pretty for a day that will not come

show the narrator's ironic detachment from the character, and you get the feeling that the narrator knows the mind of the character better than the character himself. In narratology (the study of narrative), the narrator has to be outside the world of the story, like an author, to be able to see into the mind of the character. After all, a first-person narrator in the spatio-temporal midst of a story can't focalise inside people's minds because he's not telepathic. The narrator of this song is authorial and distanced but he's not without deep empathy and sympathy for the character.

Cheers. I need something to eat after rambling all that.

Wow, you know your stuff. I studied filmic theory in Uni. Would you think:
'Their hearts bleed, to see him like this' would work?

EvilToasterElf

small suggestion, "Ducks for cover, 'cause he's already been hit"

completes the rhyme a little better and seems smoother than the line is now

Squidge

EvilToasterElf wrote:

small suggestion, "Ducks for cover, 'cause he's already been hit"

completes the rhyme a little better and seems smoother than the line is now

i know what you're saying, and the 'Hit' is supposed to complete the rhyming pattern. What happens is the 'yeah' carries on until when i sing 'hit' it is at the right time. the 'before' just sort of tails the sentace. (does that make sense?)

Appreciate your feedback though mate!!