Home› Poetry, Prose, Music & Art

who we are

pullmystrings10pullmystrings10 Posts: 15
edited August 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
In light, of a hope so far
We become, who we are
Where the dark, shows no faith
We fear, of whats at stake

When we go, and let our feelings flow

Who we are...
Who we are...
Who we are...

When you look, at a shining star
Just remember, who you are
If you should, fall astray
Take my hand, and I'll guide the way

When we go, and let our feelings flow

Who we are...
Who we are...
Who we are...

-Solo-

Who we are...
Who we are...
Who we are...


OK well this is my first song that ive ever wrote. If anyone could give me advice on how to make it better (cause i kno it can be) please let me kno. it would b greatly appreciated =D (also isnt the title such a riip off of "who you are" haha)
10/3/05 Philadelphia
5/13/06 E. Rutherford; 6/3/06 Hartford
8/2/07 Vic Theatre
6/25/08 MSG; 6/27/08 Hartford; 6/30/08 Mansfield
8/23/09 Chicago; 10/31/09 Philadelphia
5/15/10 Hartford; 5/17/10 Boston; 5/20/10 MSG
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Ms. HaikuMs. Haiku Posts: 7,265
    woodstock690789 wrote:
    In light, of a hope so far
    We become, who we are
    Where the dark, shows no faith
    We fear, of whats at stake

    When we go, and let our feelings flow

    Who we are...
    Who we are...
    Who we are...

    When you look, at a shining star
    Just remember, who you are
    If you should, fall astray
    Take my hand, and I'll guide the way

    When we go, and let our feelings flow

    Who we are...
    Who we are...
    Who we are...

    -Solo-

    Who we are...
    Who we are...
    Who we are...


    OK well this is my first song that ive ever wrote. If anyone could give me advice on how to make it better (cause i kno it can be) please let me kno. it would b greatly appreciated =D (also isnt the title such a riip off of "who you are" haha)
    I think this is on par for many songs out there, and doesn't need much change. However, "Take my hand, and I'll guide the way" turns the song into a copy of too many other songs, and takes the originality out of the first part. If you can say what you wanted to get across in that line differently then I think your song would seem more your own.
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • AliAli Posts: 2,621
    I kinda like it...although kind of short.
    Give us a hint on the chord progression:)

    who we are....

    musician
    actress
    poet.:)
    A whisper and a thrill
    A whisper and a chill
    adv2005

    "Why do I bother?"
    The 11th Commandment.
    "Whatever"

    PETITION TO STOP THE BAN OF SMOKING IN BARS IN THE UNITED STATES....Anyone?
  • pullmystrings10pullmystrings10 Posts: 15
    thx guys, and i kno what u meant bye the hold my hand line, its kinda cheesy and i didnt like it that much, im thinkin of somehtin else to say now. as for chord progressions...its kinda in a D to G pattern right now with some accent notes here and there moderate pace. but that may change, not sure tho yet. and i might add another verse actually. we'll see.
    10/3/05 Philadelphia
    5/13/06 E. Rutherford; 6/3/06 Hartford
    8/2/07 Vic Theatre
    6/25/08 MSG; 6/27/08 Hartford; 6/30/08 Mansfield
    8/23/09 Chicago; 10/31/09 Philadelphia
    5/15/10 Hartford; 5/17/10 Boston; 5/20/10 MSG
Sign In or Register to comment.