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Premonitions

JobbeJobbe Posts: 20
edited August 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Arising from the bottom of my shell
A knot tied right in my throat
Right when I'm gasping for air
I should've seen this coming
And all too familiar tones
Of an uncontrollable song
Drown out the downright truth obedient voices
And FedEx thoughts from heaven
Reach my head as I'm sinking
In a pool of sweat and the oncoming tears
I should've seen this coming.
She walks across the floor
With angel ankles and eyes of daylight
A voice as tender and clear as wind and water
Tells me what she's buying
I should've seen this coming
And I'm responding tediously
In words too old and spent for her
I'd like to finish the trade
With something she'd remember
Instead I give her change
I should've seen this coming
A smile is all I can let her go with...

Got a loosening knot in my windpipe
As the noise of a hundred
Truth obedient forefingers
Hit my head and drown out
The sad coda of a charming song
No longer sinking
Seems like I've grabbed a life jacket
My kevlar, my everlasting piece of earthly mind
I should've seen this coming
Declining to the bottom of my shell



I'm not really sure if this is good or not but it sure did aid me in my doubts and scruples :)
-Jobbe
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    the english doesn't flow.......you need to think in English, not translate.......you have wonderful abilities, but your poem isn't flowing because it didn't translate.......technically it's all there.......but what is missing is that wonderful FLOW of which Senrock waxes on about.......tips from ISN no. 1
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • JobbeJobbe Posts: 20
    I'm doing the best I can to think in english, really, but hell, I'm danish and I'm just writing what occurs to me as something people would find interesting reading. I know about the limited flow of it and I'm working on it, so you, as a straight-forward critic, can consider this poem as a work in progress.
    Thx for the note anyway...
  • justamjustam Posts: 21,410
    Jobbe wrote:
    I'm doing the best I can to think in english, really, but hell, I'm danish and I'm just writing what occurs to me as something people would find interesting reading. I know about the limited flow of it and I'm working on it, so you, as a straight-forward critic, can consider this poem as a work in progress.
    Thx for the note anyway...

    It IS interesting to read. :)
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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