My Greatest Reason
anxietyplease
Posts: 48
As I sit here and type, my boy sleeps in our bed.
Had a miserable afternoon.
Refused to take a nap.
But I had him sleep in a big bed...like a big boy.
And so he finally shut his eyes while watching Mommy type.
Everytime I look over my shoulder to see him, he's in the same position as last time I looked....2 minutes ago.
Even though 10 feet away, I fear loosing him.
I remember when I carried him in my womb.
How he kept me up when I slept, had hiccups everynight.
I never got sleep.
The heartburn, my swollen feet.
My body turning into whatever needed to be.
Watched my belly grow and grow.
The marks it made...still there.
All of the aches and the face stuffing and doctor visits...
Finding out that he was a he.
That gave us more of an understanding that this was real.
I anticipated, waiting and waiting.
For the pain to come, for our son to tell us he's ready to meet us.
And when that day came, I don't ever remember being so proud of myself as I was then.
For 36 hours my son and I worked together to bring him into this world.
But he's gotten too tired, heart rate dropping.
So they put Mommy under and shoved Daddy away.
I woke up with a horrible sore throat.
Light beeming in my eyes...someone in the room.
"You have been here for about an hour."
And she came with a spoonful of ice.
My son! Where's my son?!
Waiting, waiting.
Finally, I am driven down the hallway in a bed.
Coming up to some poeple that I know but can't think of their names.
I see Daddy...comes up to me.
"Hey sweetie."
Looking through the glass they stopped in front of.
Guessing which child is my own.
And I was right.
She gave him to Daddy, Daddy placed him in my arms.
I can't even speak...I can't see through my tears.
So tiny. My little baby boy. How I love him so much it hurts.
This creation...this beautiful life of ours.
Looking at him, how amazing this feels, unreal almost, I think of what it took to finally hold him like this.
My little Michael, my greatest reason to breathe.
Had a miserable afternoon.
Refused to take a nap.
But I had him sleep in a big bed...like a big boy.
And so he finally shut his eyes while watching Mommy type.
Everytime I look over my shoulder to see him, he's in the same position as last time I looked....2 minutes ago.
Even though 10 feet away, I fear loosing him.
I remember when I carried him in my womb.
How he kept me up when I slept, had hiccups everynight.
I never got sleep.
The heartburn, my swollen feet.
My body turning into whatever needed to be.
Watched my belly grow and grow.
The marks it made...still there.
All of the aches and the face stuffing and doctor visits...
Finding out that he was a he.
That gave us more of an understanding that this was real.
I anticipated, waiting and waiting.
For the pain to come, for our son to tell us he's ready to meet us.
And when that day came, I don't ever remember being so proud of myself as I was then.
For 36 hours my son and I worked together to bring him into this world.
But he's gotten too tired, heart rate dropping.
So they put Mommy under and shoved Daddy away.
I woke up with a horrible sore throat.
Light beeming in my eyes...someone in the room.
"You have been here for about an hour."
And she came with a spoonful of ice.
My son! Where's my son?!
Waiting, waiting.
Finally, I am driven down the hallway in a bed.
Coming up to some poeple that I know but can't think of their names.
I see Daddy...comes up to me.
"Hey sweetie."
Looking through the glass they stopped in front of.
Guessing which child is my own.
And I was right.
She gave him to Daddy, Daddy placed him in my arms.
I can't even speak...I can't see through my tears.
So tiny. My little baby boy. How I love him so much it hurts.
This creation...this beautiful life of ours.
Looking at him, how amazing this feels, unreal almost, I think of what it took to finally hold him like this.
My little Michael, my greatest reason to breathe.
"If it takes my whole life, I won't break I won't bend."
-S. McLachlan
-S. McLachlan
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it only makes today worse.