Derelict

Innocent_Bystander

Derelict

Walking down the highway with a cardboard sign hanging ‘round his neck
Served his country long ago, thought they should return the favor, yeah right
What he saw for his nation turned him into a mental wreck
Close his eyes or keep them open, he’ll always see the same

Day or night, it’s not alright, light has gone away and there’s no where to run
Shadows of our legacy always come back
Reaching, hands up in the air, grabbing at our empty sun

Twenty years to the day, she was hiding under the bed
Watched the man climb through the window and she lost her mind
The asylum took her and she still hides
And the man got away

Day or night, it’s not alright, light has gone away and there’s no where to run
Fears imprint our consciousness as one
Reaching, hands up in the air, grabbing at our empty sun

Innocence of a child all of a sudden taken away
She watched it happen and it still haunts her everyday
Guilty feelings and reminiscent times
Never let it go, it’s not her fault

Day or night, it’s not alright, light has gone it’ll be over soon
Memories train us to regret
Breathing, dreaming of the moon

Ten days hiding in a hole and the earth was shaking
Bombs were tearing through the air
Orphaned in front of her eyes she never forgets it
And it never leaves her mind

Welcome in our impending doom
There’s more and more of us, running out of room
All that will be left is the sun and the moon




(I don't post stuff much, but this is a song my band came up with. Critique it please, but don't murder it. I am proud of this cause our drummer wrote it and it is the first one to successfully go through a copyright. We have has so much trouble with that, but we finally found out how)

Innocent_Bystander

Oh, and it is a compilation of four true stories.

jamjam

it's hard to tell what this song will be like without the music behind it. It seems to have potential....but it also seems very sad, i feel sad right now.

EvilToasterElf

First of all I love the word derelict, I think you should try to work it into the lyrics if you can

It's very hard to write critique like this without coming off as teen anxsty but you guys pulled it off very well by grounding it in a character - I can't really critique the wording itself for reasons already stated - it accompanies music I can't hear - but it looks like a very good song

Ali

I like it...It portrays a wave of hopelessness.
Perfect for Bush's reign,I'd hate to say,
you know,with the war and everything as stated in your poem.

Good work:)

Innocent_Bystander

Ali wrote:

I like it...It portrays a wave of hopelessness.
Perfect for Bush's reign,I'd hate to say,
you know,with the war and everything as stated in your poem.

Good work:)

The war actually refers to Vietnam, an old relative of mine went insane, but I do see how it could pertain to Bush.

Anna_falk

I think the lyrics are well written.
Good luck with your music : )

FinsburyParkCarrots

The lyrics have a Neil young type feel to them. The only thing I might change is the last three lines. "Welcome in our impending doom" sounds a little prose-like for the rest of the lyric. Also, the "doom"/"room"/"moon" sequence is too commonplace. The end of the song needs something a little stronger. Otherwise, I think this works. Thanks for sharing.

Innocent_Bystander

FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:

The lyrics have a Neil young type feel to them. The only thing I might change is the last three lines. "Welcome in our impending doom" sounds a little prose-like for the rest of the lyric. Also, the "doom"/"room"/"moon" sequence is too commonplace. The end of the song needs something a little stronger. Otherwise, I think this works. Thanks for sharing.

Yeah, that is exactly what the band is debating for this song, the last three lines.

Innocent_Bystander

Innocent_Bystander wrote:

Derelict

Walking down the highway with a cardboard sign hanging ‘round his neck
Served his country long ago, thought they should return the favor, yeah right
What he saw for his nation turned him into a mental wreck
Close his eyes or keep them open, he’ll always see the same

Day or night, it’s not alright, light has gone away and there’s no where to run
Shadows of our legacy always come back
Reaching, hands up in the air, grabbing at our empty sun

Twenty years to the day, she was hiding under the bed
Watched the man climb through the window and she lost her mind
The asylum took her and she still hides
And the man got away

Day or night, it’s not alright, light has gone away and there’s no where to run
Fears imprint our consciousness as one
Reaching, hands up in the air, grabbing at our empty sun

Innocence of a child all of a sudden taken away
She watched it happen and it still haunts her everyday
Guilty feelings and reminiscent times
Never let it go, it’s not her fault

Day or night, it’s not alright, light has gone it’ll be over soon
Memories train us to regret
Breathing, dreaming of the moon

Ten days hiding in a hole and the earth was shaking
Bombs were tearing through the air
Orphaned in front of her eyes she never forgets it
And it never leaves her mind

Welcome in our impending doom
There’s more and more of us, running out of room
All that will be left is the sun and the moon




(I don't post stuff much, but this is a song my band came up with. Critique it please, but don't murder it. I am proud of this cause our drummer wrote it and it is the first one to successfully go through a copyright. We have has so much trouble with that, but we finally found out how)

FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:

The lyrics have a Neil young type feel to them. The only thing I might change is the last three lines. "Welcome in our impending doom" sounds a little prose-like for the rest of the lyric. Also, the "doom"/"room"/"moon" sequence is too commonplace. The end of the song needs something a little stronger. Otherwise, I think this works. Thanks for sharing.

We changed the last three lines, tell me what you think.

It now goes:


Fire will come, an end so abrupt
Abandoned and the door will shut
Tragedies before the world erupts


These lines just have a flow problem with them, in my opinion, but what do you think?