Is this a piece of shit?
Innocent_Bystander
Posts: 615
Just review it:
I let her borrow my wings so she could fly around
Now she says she ain’t coming back to the ground
She led me by hand to a cave of ruin
She disappeared, but told me she’d be back soon
She whispered quiet tragedy into my vacant mind
In time, everything I did became a crime
Where there’s a will, it will decay
I know everything, have nothing to say
She left me locked in a tiny cage
Decorated it nicely, so I won’t fill with rage
My blood was her delicious wine
She was intoxicated all the time
Fearful, I lie in the grave she prepared
Her golden words were to mask her despair
Where there’s a will, it will decay
Knowing everything, nothing to say
The map is what made me lose my way
Heaven is further out of reach everyday
Only when I want to go, I have to stay
When accepted, I’ll just inveigh
Until then, my will will decay
I let her borrow my wings so she could fly around
Now she says she ain’t coming back to the ground
She led me by hand to a cave of ruin
She disappeared, but told me she’d be back soon
She whispered quiet tragedy into my vacant mind
In time, everything I did became a crime
Where there’s a will, it will decay
I know everything, have nothing to say
She left me locked in a tiny cage
Decorated it nicely, so I won’t fill with rage
My blood was her delicious wine
She was intoxicated all the time
Fearful, I lie in the grave she prepared
Her golden words were to mask her despair
Where there’s a will, it will decay
Knowing everything, nothing to say
The map is what made me lose my way
Heaven is further out of reach everyday
Only when I want to go, I have to stay
When accepted, I’ll just inveigh
Until then, my will will decay
Life reveals what is dealt through seasons
Circle comes around each time
Circle comes around each time
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
This line is so great
Where there’s a will, it will decay
Knowing everything, nothing to say
i'm going to be honest. i think the only weak point in this is the 3rd verse.
She left me locked in a tiny cage
Decorated it nicely, so I won’t fill with rage
My blood was her delicious wine
She was intoxicated all the time
Fearful, I lie in the grave she prepared
Her golden words were to mask her despair
i just think that verse can be alot better. other than that i think it is wonderful.
there's no time to cry
soon i will be leavin'
look me in the eye
no matter what's in front of me
it's your face that i'll see
The verse you dislike is the only one I didn't write. Being in a band, we try to have a collaborative effort, but ultimately, they end up making me finalize and rewrite everything
Oh, can anyone come up with a title? It's preliminary title is Abandon, but a new one would be better
Circle comes around each time
How about DECAY? I agree with what the other person said, but you could easily reword it and still include the same imagery to make it sound better
Circle comes around each time
OK, well then I really don't know. Personally I really like DECAY and think it's a pretty obvious choice, but maybe VACANT MIND or... I don't know, something that sums up the idea or the feeling. I guess ABANDON does that, but personally I don't particularly like that title. It's all a matter of personal taste though. Sorry I can't help you with that one.
thats funny, i thought it was the best verse / part!
good stuff all round
wear a pink shirt and go down the boozer
The new/edited verse looks like this:
She gave me glory, it turned to pain
A decorated nuisance became a bloody stain
She led me on as a heavenly martyr
Just to drown me in holy water
My blood was her delicious wine
She was intoxicated all the time
I haven't warmed up to either though, don't know which one to go with, or how exactly to rewrite it
Circle comes around each time
couldn't you just have said 'is this any good' - the way you've framed your question has totally prejudiced me against it, so, yes, it's a 'piece of shit'......gross me out
Circle comes around each time
in that case, I can say that I find it macabrely romantic....darkly loving, and nihilistically endearing.......I can say that I get images from it, and I picture things about it......like, it's hard to explain, but songbirds trapped in cages singing their hearts out, especially those owned by the Chinese nad traded in HK, and the English Patient, where he left her in a cave, while he went to get help, but she died.....my fave film.....
this bit
is so true of women, they have really got a bad deal, so they blame every1...and each other.......and anyone
this bit sounds biblical.....you will be drunk, but not with wine......
on the whole, this is an important poem, because it fuses images of life and death with the admixture of love, which can be fatal or life-giving......it's important......maybe not to everyone, but since it's been re-phrased, it's important to me