Not Finished Yet, Need Your Help

KovoKovo Posts: 255
edited September 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Last night I was talking to a friend who was depressed about her ex's, so I started writting this. I didn't get it to flow right or something, it just seems wrong to me, so I'm asking for your help. Any suggestions to fix or improve this?

The rose of love, watered with tears
Begins to bloom over the years
Blood red, the pedals of your love,
Shined on by those who watch from above.
Pedals of hope, fear and loss,
Love is payed sadness the cost.
The cold your safety, the cold your gloom
Alone among the cold you bloom.
Embrace your roots, embrace your ties,
Trust in me as I trust your eyes.
And as you dwell on the cold of the past
Smile knowing its Spring at last.
I shouldn't have to fight a battle I'll never win, just to lose those I've never had.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    I think you mean 'petals' sweets......I'm on an honesty drive......
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    The metre needs tweaking to make it more regular.
  • NothingbetterNothingbetter Wichita, KS Posts: 570
    It's really hard for me to recommend any improvements/changes to a poem or writing. If I make a suggestion, then it becomes my interpretation and meaning rather than yours. I think you want this to come from you, which would mean a lot more.
    Kansas City 6/12/03 ** Kissimmee 10/9/04 ** Atlantic City 10/1/05 ** Denver 7/2/06 ** Denver 7/3/06 ** Chicago 8/23/09 ** Chicago 8/24/09 ** Kansas City 5/3/10 ** Dallas 11/15/13 ** Oklahoma City 11/16/13 ** St. Louis 10/3/14 ** Tulsa 10/8/14 ** Chicago - Wrigley Field 8/20/16 ** Chicago - Wrigley Field 8/22/16 ** Oklahoma City 9/20/22 ** Ft. Worth 9/15/23

    EV - St. Louis 7/1/11 ** Tulsa 11/19/12
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