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Fallin'

_plain_plain Posts: 7
edited June 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Hello everyone..Actually I've just signed this forum and this would be my first post here, but I just wanted to know your opinion about my song lyrics..Critique is welcome..Thank you..

Fallin'
I don't want to be that fallen star
save me!
Another man, who went too far..
despise me!
i found them all tearing dream
while every path seeking sun beneath
was a perfect step to artificial star
So I don't want you see this fall..

Save me, just save me
I'm fallin'

Save me from falling
Lay clay, it's swallowing
my own weights, packed
in a pale shell, that's falling

Save me, just save me
I'm fallen
I'm fallen
Then tell me why I should go
But you should..

Don't you see I'm fallen
Watch your step, I'm fallen

Every time they're on their way of killing me
Every moment thoughts become so filthy
Every prick is trying to embrace me
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    i'd work out some kinks in the last verse
    but other than that, these are awesome

    like...

    everytime, they're killing me
    every moment thought so filthy
    every prick try'n to embrace me


    something like that


    but all in all, nice.

    vague-ish.. powerful... lots of room for interpretation

    nice
  • _plain_plain Posts: 7
    I'm very grateful for your thoughts, PastaNazi..;] Thank you.. But the last verse (i mean mine ;]) best fits with the music..syllables, you know..;]
  • Being EnlightenedBeing Enlightened Posts: 5,746
    Sounds like you fell into a cool tune! :) I really dig the last three lines, no matter how you phrase it!
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • _plain_plain Posts: 7
    Being Enlightened, thank you..;] but why you say, that those lines should be deleted? Doesn't they fit in this basket of thoughts? Or maybe it has some gramatical mistakes?
  • Being EnlightenedBeing Enlightened Posts: 5,746
    _plain wrote:
    Being Enlightened, thank you..;] but why you say, that those lines should be deleted? Doesn't they fit in this basket of thoughts? Or maybe it has some gramatical mistakes?


    No, no, no!!! What I meant by "dig" was that I liked those lines the best! They wrap the song up wonderfully and I like that you repeated "every" in each line. :) Sorry for my slang way of type-talking confusing you! I wouldn't post anything nasty about anyone's poetry, just not my style! :)
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • _plain_plain Posts: 7
    ;]] Understood..;] My english isn't perfect, 'cause I live in one small country in Europe, so don't blame yourself just because I can't understand you correctly..;] Actually for this reason I've published this song here, just to have some understanding, how the others would accept it..So thank you again ;]
  • Being EnlightenedBeing Enlightened Posts: 5,746
    :) Well, you're doing a damn fine job with English, _plain! If I ever say anything you don't understand, please just ask and I'll try to explain a little better, okay. :)

    You are most welcome, and thank YOU for sharing your work!
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • _plain_plain Posts: 7
    I'm amazed of your sincerity Being Enlightened ;] There's no doubt, I'll share with you this song as soon as it will be recorded..;] Only if you are interested of course..;]
  • Being EnlightenedBeing Enlightened Posts: 5,746
    :) I'd love to hear your song, _plain but I only have access to a computer at work, so, I cannot listen online, unfortunately. :( I still think you should try to post it for everyone who can enjoy it, though. :)
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • _plain_plain Posts: 7
    Sad..but anyway, I'll put here a link to this download after this record would be done..;]
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    _plain wrote:
    I'm very grateful for your thoughts, PastaNazi..;] Thank you.. But the last verse (i mean mine ;]) best fits with the music..syllables, you know..;]


    Oh yeah, totally understand that...

    just when you put the lyrics on your CD, make sure they say what you mean... then you can do whatever you want with syllables and making them fit in the tune


    :)
  • _plain_plain Posts: 7
    Thank you for advice PastaNazi..I'll keep it in my mind..;]
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