Cultivator. . . . .does anyone ever respond?

pkh43

Cultivator
2005

A sad garden
Mirror in a mind
Stepping on land mines
A life’s yawning
That’s so funny
Living for money
Reality cannot find
Day of atonement
For a soul who dies
Bloody moles movement
Listen don’t talk
No legs
You can’t walk
Ignore prying eyes
Bump in the dark
Step towards the light
Peel off the bark
Tree of life
Slowly withers
The snake
It slithers
Into the dark night
A grocery basket
A soldiers casket
A cluttered lawn
A full moon dawn
Say it loud
Shout towards the cloud
Gathered over the ashes
Discontent
Generation
Wasted lives
Multiplied

coachchris

I like this one...the ending left me intrigued and wanting more. Thanks for sharing!!

Mystique420

Well versed,... and I like that a lot.

DopeBeastie

the best way to get responses is to respond to other people's work. if you want critisicm, just ask... otherwise, we're left to commenting on the meaning... and I've come to know that I must'nt ever assume what or who someone else is writing about ~ or what a writer means unless it's political, and obvious. so, if someone writes a poem about getting dumped... i mean, it's pretty clear we've all been dumped, we've all been there, so what's to say? you go off saying "oh, i'm so sorry for you"... and then they tell you it's not about them... that it's about their sister or friend or whatever...

like so many poetry boards, this is more about the relationships you establish therein than the actual work you post



and this, is of course... just my opinion

FinsburyParkCarrots

Yes, some boards try to enforce that as a rule: You have to reply to three poems, before submitting one. And in replying, you are discouraged from saying, "thanks for sharing" or "I liked it". A poster is therefore made to respond to another's work, constructively and thoughtfully. In showing interest in others' writing, a writer is more likely to be read and appraised considerably, in return.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Now, here's my response.


A grocery basket
A soldiers casket


That's the strongest couplet in the poem, for me. It seems nonsensical on a first reading, but arguably it demonstrates that soldiers' lives are expendible for the perpetuation of an economy.


I think a lot of the rest can go. It's a bit line-by-line and when symbolic language is detailed in a line by line fashion, inevitably the metaphors mix and clash. For example, if I were to read the first two lines as a complete semantic field

A sad garden
Mirror in a mind,

I would be led to believe that the garden is a mental mirror of a state of mind. But the garden itself seems to be a metaphorical symbol of something rather than a literal scene, so what we get is a mixing of metaphors or a nonsensicality. How can a garden be a mirror? I think you need another word instead of mirror to explain how the garden scene you imagine represents in figurative terms what you mean to convey.

John Ruskin wrote an essay called "On the pathetic fallacy", in which he described how artists and writers use images from the natural world to convey emotion or thought. I think a limited palette of images can have a more powerful effect in a poem. Is there any way you think you could say the same thing more effectively while stripping down the work to its most crucial elements?

Cheers.

pkh43

thanks for the constructive crit, the first few part were inspired by a studend of mine who has CP and uses a dinavox to communicate and he come out with rare phrases all the time. the first line was one of those phrases and i took it from there. he also comes up with random dates in the future to which he says "day of atonement" or "date of death" very wierd. other than that I believe for others to come up with there own meanings for my poems and other than that info for the first line, no other feedback, but thanks Mr. smart pants!

pkh43

or think of a garden as a cemetary and a soldier seeing himself there or his friends

coachchris

FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:

Now, here's my response.


A grocery basket
A soldiers casket


That's the strongest couplet in the poem, for me. It seems nonsensical on a first reading, but arguably it demonstrates that soldiers' lives are expendible for the perpetuation of an economy.


I think a lot of the rest can go. It's a bit line-by-line and when symbolic language is detailed in a line by line fashion, inevitably the metaphors mix and clash. For example, if I were to read the first two lines as a complete semantic field

A sad garden
Mirror in a mind,

I would be led to believe that the garden is a mental mirror of a state of mind. But the garden itself seems to be a metaphorical symbol of something rather than a literal scene, so what we get is a mixing of metaphors or a nonsensicality. How can a garden be a mirror? I think you need another word instead of mirror to explain how the garden scene you imagine represents in figurative terms what you mean to convey.

John Ruskin wrote an essay called "On the pathetic fallacy", in which he described how artists and writers use images from the natural world to convey emotion or thought. I think a limited palette of images can have a more powerful effect in a poem. Is there any way you think you could say the same thing more effectively while stripping down the work to its most crucial elements?

Cheers.

Wishes all the poems I've posted were critiqued like this. We would all be better writers if this were the case. Great response and thanks for making me question my writings all that much more

DopeBeastie

see, now...


the poem could be about gravestones as flowers or something...

it'd be difficult not to fall into a horrible gay-ass cliche'
but it can be done
whimsically and with some measure of wonder

just poke yourself in the eye if "sad garden" comes out again


or, you know... you could let me do it