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Care to check this out?

treno_bluetreno_blue Posts: 14
edited January 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
hey people. hope everyone's enjoying 2005 and gets their tenclub christmas singles soon! I wrote something the other night....

*********

'Ring around me'.

the labyrinth we are bound to
kinda makes you smile…

allowed to breathe through the misinterpretation of my words…
her anger breeds.
the words that formed and hold the bond...
an elapse of faith?
misplace of trust? yes... mistrust

screaming at myself to believe… persuasion.
stop….
maybe the trust was worthy…
perhaps I was mislead. Deceitfulness…
through fear?
or malice… let the games begin.

yes. Cooperation with the devil. mutual aid.
Alliance, she voted for… makes her stronger you see.
And all the while… she’s reflecting… Devising…
My anger fuses with the mood,
An unsightly hybrid is the result…


myself.

********

What do you think? It was born from some crap that was going on in my life about a year ago. repression almost always leads to despair, which is why i think its important to get things out in the open.... and the best way to that is in a creative form, right? because then, even if other people don't understand the piece from your point of view (like many of you may not understand what i wrote this about), they can still draw things from it relative to them. I call it the 'the pool of reincarnation'. if everybody delivered their feelings to the pool in this manner..... then people could benefit from eachother and draw strength from the pool when they need it most. Just another one of my whacky ideas. any comments on this poem would be appreciated. thanks.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Posts: 12,223
    You really chisel out the important thoughts and feelings from the rock of language. The economy in the piece doesn't compromise its emotional depth. It reads like something Ed would write. That's a high compliment. :)
  • justamjustam Posts: 21,410
    Your idea of a feeling pool of reincarnation is interesting.
    I think that people do that with the words here already. There just hasn't been a nice name for the waterhole. :)
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    I like it....and like my favourite pieces, I can relate to it....I like the way that there isn't one spelling mistake or misplaced word.....it's diamond-like.....the facets seem part of a vestigial emotion which is perfectly expressed....and as beautiful as a diamond....it's clear nad concise.....and yet has an otherness that makes it different.....very considered......and I like it very much....it makes me think.....and is educated.....and I responded to it with a modicum of surprise that I could find something so neatly expressed and near-perfect with so few words....:)
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • treno_bluetreno_blue Posts: 14
    thanks a lot. A lot of my stuff can get lost in the language i think but i'm glad the emotional essence managed to prevail.
    I'm amazed at the compliment i recieved from finsburyparkcarrots. 'something Ed would write'. I'm sure Ed could do a lot better to be fair. Some of the songs you here on 'no code' a reflective of that i think. 'Persent tense' springs to mind. I always thought of that as a lyrical masterpiece. Blows me away everytime I listen to it. It shines with wisdom and inspiration.

    lol, and justam is right. I need a name for the watering hole. I think my theory would be more accessible if i could think of something other than 'the pool of reincarnation'. We all contribute to the waterhole, to the docks that harbour our rawest emotions... and we can all draw from it to.

    ......we just need a cooler name for it. lol.
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