Time, or 'love springs eternal'
Jeremy1012
Posts: 7,170
We were immaculately dumb,
I remember, struck in a moment in time.
We would walk along the banks
of the same old, ugly river, looking at ugly things,
the same ugly buildings,
and drinking weak coffee out of
paper cups,
and we would complain about
how the sun was too hot and
the coffee was bad,
and there was a book I was reading
that had hit me in the guts
and you really should have read it.
We were sure we were bored,
at the time,
and you know we really
could've been more productive.
We would waste an afternoon
sitting in near silence
and you never said much,
and I'd choose my words with care.
Just enough to make sure
the moment was just right.
I woke up one day, later on
when things were different
and everything was done with.
I never thought I'd miss
the way you wrinkled your nose up
or laid your cheek on my collar, tired,
those times when we drank gin
and gave in to drowsiness and sleep.
Perhaps love springs eternal,
just in different places
from here.
I remember, struck in a moment in time.
We would walk along the banks
of the same old, ugly river, looking at ugly things,
the same ugly buildings,
and drinking weak coffee out of
paper cups,
and we would complain about
how the sun was too hot and
the coffee was bad,
and there was a book I was reading
that had hit me in the guts
and you really should have read it.
We were sure we were bored,
at the time,
and you know we really
could've been more productive.
We would waste an afternoon
sitting in near silence
and you never said much,
and I'd choose my words with care.
Just enough to make sure
the moment was just right.
I woke up one day, later on
when things were different
and everything was done with.
I never thought I'd miss
the way you wrinkled your nose up
or laid your cheek on my collar, tired,
those times when we drank gin
and gave in to drowsiness and sleep.
Perhaps love springs eternal,
just in different places
from here.
"I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
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Comments
Couple of suggestions: Maybe you can work more on the title?
Also, you ever thought of making this a prose poem? It has some nice rhythms and sounds in it a la poetry, but I'm not sure the line breaks are adding much.
- the great Sir Leo Harrison
The line breaks are really just, as you say, to place emphasis on certain rhythms and cadences which I feel would be lost somehow if it was read as prose. The intention is for it to be free verse rather than prose. If I edited it into prose then it would be read like that and that's not what I want, that in itself would be too structured because the reader would read it fluidly and without the hesitant, jarring element that I evidently liked, judging on the fact that I broke the lines in that way instinctively, if not with technical skill or great deliberation
Nonetheless, I appreciate your criticism, as always
No worries... and good responses
I really want to start writing poems again but I can't write more than a few lines before thinking they're shit. Got any tips?
- the great Sir Leo Harrison