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Autumn Night's Dream

Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
edited November 2008 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Amaranth pink skin,
perspiring, gleams under
a yellow moon,
and my love moves to the
touch of a gentle hand.
The bare room
swept by the air of
an autumn night
is a skylit nothing
and her body lies cold,
after the rain
sleeping, while I dream
a thousand dreams.
"I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • urbanhippieurbanhippie Posts: 3,007
    Nice work J :)
    A human being that was given to fly.

    Wembley 18/06/07

    If there was a reason, it was you.

    O2 Arena 18/09/09
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    Thanks Sarah :)

    I already feel like there are several amendments I should make but I'm not sure :o
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • chadwickchadwick Posts: 21,157
    yes it is nice poem.
    if i may, i'd like to say something.

    if you tweaked this poem up a bit tighter it would be very good.
    if you take a few moments to re-read it, remove and add a few words
    you will blow your own mind away by the results.

    nice poem.
    and thank you for sharing.
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

    "Hear me, my chiefs!
    I am tired; my heart is
    sick and sad. From where
    the sun stands I will fight
    no more forever."
    Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
  • urbanhippieurbanhippie Posts: 3,007
    Jeremy1012 wrote:
    Thanks Sarah :)

    I already feel like there are several amendments I should make but I'm not sure :o
    Go for it. I never say a poem is finished, it's always a work in progress. Please post your revisions... I think it could be a lovely piece :)
    A human being that was given to fly.

    Wembley 18/06/07

    If there was a reason, it was you.

    O2 Arena 18/09/09
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    chadwick wrote:
    yes it is nice poem.
    if i may, i'd like to say something.

    if you tweaked this poem up a bit tighter it would be very good.
    if you take a few moments to re-read it, remove and add a few words
    you will blow your own mind away by the results.

    nice poem.
    and thank you for sharing.
    I agree, and this is often a problem for me. I need to be more economic with words. Thanks for your advice and kind words :)
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    urbanhippie wrote:
    Go for it. I never say a poem is finished, it's always a work in progress. Please post your revisions... I think it could be a lovely piece :)
    I'll give it some thought and post any amendments. Damn this lack of an edit function on this board :o
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • chadwickchadwick Posts: 21,157
    Jeremy1012 wrote:
    I'll give it some thought and post any amendments. Damn this lack of an edit function on this board :o

    no need for the edit button here.
    we are the strong.
    mistakes will happen.
    revision will always need be.

    fuck em.
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

    "Hear me, my chiefs!
    I am tired; my heart is
    sick and sad. From where
    the sun stands I will fight
    no more forever."
    Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    this is kinda hot :D
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    PastaNazi wrote:
    this is kinda hot :D
    Yes! Thank you :D

    I was hoping someone somewhere would think that :)

    Although it's not specifically supposed to be of course, I'm not a pornographer :cool:
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    Ok, here's something of a revision, albeit a minor one. I just feel it scans better.

    Amaranth pink skin,
    perspiring, gleams under
    a yellow moon,
    and my love moves to the
    touch of a gentle hand.
    The bare room, swept
    by the autumn night air
    is a skylit nothing,
    and her body lies cold,
    after the rain
    sleeping, while I dream
    a thousand dreams.
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
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