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something a little weirder...

Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
edited November 2006 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
ok, this isnt my work but my brother's. I'm just curious as to what people think. He isn't a writer in the traditional sense but he does come up with some incredibly abstract, bizarre song lyrics. A lot of it borders on silly and humorous but there are little flashes of brilliance that sometimes astound me given that he comes up with it as improvisation.

"Walk fall over walk again oooh a banana and an eskimo funny that, Now I'm in a corner shop in kent plasticine everywhere. sparkly dressed men play wooden spoons in manhattan whilst liberal women chew on oranges filled with hate and ambition

close knit community's ponder life and spaceships fly south over Stratford. I harbour doubts about my sanity but this ships for sailing not stopping, we exhibit our inner thougths and allow idiots to control our lives my watch aint a rolex.

Now I see nothing in my way but clouds masquerading as hollow souls, is this me or am I converting, wicked dreams are like tribes from manilla. gunmen wave in a festive manner my fields an ocean.

Liberacci passes through the vortex of the mainstream while Marx plays the tamborine,
I am me not you leave halls they're not for painting,

alleyways caress darkness and danger lurks in the minds of unwanted men like American rule. Sold down the water cos river wasn't for sale spoon fed medicine of the brain I need help know this and we're through with it all, but grass I'm allergic to has contested the fortune of many all is not welcome here I'm not alone"
"I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • deadnotedeadnote Posts: 1,678
    thats deep ...
    set your laughter free

    dreamer in my dream

    we got the guns

    i love you,but im..............callin out.........callin out
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    I'm sensing sarcasm from you and I understand but look closer to it...

    "Liberace passes through the vortex of the mainstream while Marx plays the tamborine". something about that is amazing.
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • KarasKaras Posts: 68
    i hear what you are saying about what your brother wrote...

    there are some good lines...

    i think the biggest problem is after i finish reading this, i have the feeling that all i read was a few good lines, or maybe only flashes of potential...

    i think its all all ittle loose as far as concept goes....maybe if it were structured differantly, altering how it is read...that would help...

    I like the end...I think you should restructure it which will give the whole writing a bit more structure and perhaps a bit more of a point. otherwise is all kind of like a run on thought/idea/sentance which can be good, but its just a bit more blurry and more difficult to really see what is being said...

    I think...
    I scream in affirmation
    of connecting dislocations
    and exceeding limitations
    by achieving levitation
  • KarasKaras Posts: 68
    this is something I wrote a couples years ago...

    your something is here
    wide and shining
    like a bullet
    so fast are the days -
    every last drop we will drink
    and spit out what we want.
    i hold you as you raise me high
    symbiosis IS a word!
    if you want, thats half the fun
    and the rest belongs to the clowns.
    i might be a squirrel if i ate nuts
    but since i dont just call me Karas...

    one is to the rest as the rest is to the one
    something to point at.
    abstract is the flow, yet so fast we go, all just to show, how much we know
    I would be your bakers dozen
    I like corn muffins...
    if today were tuesday, would you be asleep?

    its all like a circle,
    and yes it all can be wrong...


    what you posted last time reminded me of it...its differant, but has similar, seamingly meaningless phrases, but i know that evreything in it has meaning, and a flow...

    i try to show that with the structure and the last couple lines, which i tried to wrap it all up with...i think what your brother wrote could do that with what you put...i think you just need to someway force your readers to read it as you want them to...and i think that way helps them to See it as you want them to...
    I scream in affirmation
    of connecting dislocations
    and exceeding limitations
    by achieving levitation
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    Karas wrote:
    i hear what you are saying about what your brother wrote...

    there are some good lines...

    i think the biggest problem is after i finish reading this, i have the feeling that all i read was a few good lines, or maybe only flashes of potential...

    i think its all all ittle loose as far as concept goes....maybe if it were structured differantly, altering how it is read...that would help...

    I like the end...I think you should restructure it which will give the whole writing a bit more structure and perhaps a bit more of a point. otherwise is all kind of like a run on thought/idea/sentance which can be good, but its just a bit more blurry and more difficult to really see what is being said...

    I think...
    Yeah you basically hit it on the head there. I mean, in no way does my brother consider himself a poet or this even to be a poem, he just sometimes play with words to see what he can come up with. When it is in the structure of a song, if I start playing a chord progression he sometimes comes up with the most bizarrely brilliant things of the top of his head. other times it is just silly and falls flat
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • HunterandHuntedHunterandHunted Posts: 140
    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro...
    What do you call 3 sheep tied together in the middle of Wales? - A Leisure Centre.
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