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Rend Me

Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
edited February 2007 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
It probably seemed odd to her,
watching from the outside, all the looks,
pensive smiles, awkward silences, that I
never took to the idea,
never pulled back the veil.
It's hard to paint the mask back on
when you are ugly inside...
harder still to hear when all
around you they are screaming.
I never scream, except when no one is around -
"If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it..."
"I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    29 views and no comments? :D gimme some criticism folks.

    anyways, this was just a little thought inspired by a friend's total lack of self-worth. it makes little sense to me because she has a lot to like about herself, but I guess we all have our issues.
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    Jeremy1012, I like the poem a lot. I like what it says.

    It could say more, I think. I'm left to make a lot of assumptions, which is cool because I stop on this issue a lot, too. So, I can make sense of it easily by plugging in my own parameters. And, of course... ending a poem with a dot dot dot (I forget what they're called)... is kind of a no-no ;)


    I do like it though. The first line is great
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    PastaNazi wrote:
    Jeremy1012, I like the poem a lot. I like what it says.

    It could say more, I think. I'm left to make a lot of assumptions, which is cool because I stop on this issue a lot, too. So, I can make sense of it easily by plugging in my own parameters. And, of course... ending a poem with a dot dot dot (I forget what they're called)... is kind of a no-no ;)


    I do like it though. The first line is great
    stylistically, the dot dot dot (:D) is a bit dodgy I know, but I didnt want to put the entire "if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" question in because it seemed overdone. thanks for your commnts anyway :)
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    it's an ellipse...
    i remembered two seconds after posting that i couldn't...
    shows what i know ;)
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    PastaNazi wrote:
    it's an ellipse...
    i remembered two seconds after posting that i couldn't...
    shows what i know ;)
    Let's just say that I overuse ellipses somewhat... (:D there you go!)
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    I do too...


    no...


    really...

    I do

    :D
  • justamjustam Posts: 21,410
    PastaNazi wrote:
    I do too...


    no...


    really...

    I do

    :D

    :D
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    PastaNazi wrote:
    I do too...


    no...


    really...

    I do

    :D
    I just use a lot of pauses for effect in speech and I always seem to replicate it in writing. I don't know why... :D
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
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