Contemplating Sunrise
Jeremy1012
Posts: 7,170
It's much harder to sleep
when the sky outside is dimming
and clouds roll, black and foreboding
like lumbering monoliths,
and every car moving in the distance
is a doppler hum of alertness.
Through the curtain gap I
see the mottled glow of a streetlight
creeping over the hair salon,
casting a spotlight over the sign
that reads "dreadlocks: £45".
I scratch my head and think of
the buses passing my window,
not half as often as they will in the morning,
when I'll catch a moment or two of sleep.
when the sky outside is dimming
and clouds roll, black and foreboding
like lumbering monoliths,
and every car moving in the distance
is a doppler hum of alertness.
Through the curtain gap I
see the mottled glow of a streetlight
creeping over the hair salon,
casting a spotlight over the sign
that reads "dreadlocks: £45".
I scratch my head and think of
the buses passing my window,
not half as often as they will in the morning,
when I'll catch a moment or two of sleep.
"I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
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Leaving the pillow alone tonight
And I can see for miles
Speak father with all your might
Drive in one last nail
I’d walk right into your hands
From the end of the earth
I’d make one final stand
If you could see what I’m worth
The problem only really starts with 'Through the curtain gap' but here's an example of what I mean. (I apologise in advance for fucking around with your poem):
It's harder to sleep
when the sky outside dims
and clouds roll, foreboding
like lumbering monoliths,
every car in the distance
a doppler hum.
I've got rid of 'much' as it doesn't add anything, imo. I've made 'dimming' into 'dims' to match the gerund-less 'roll' of the next line. I've got rid of 'black' as it seems redundant; foreboding clouds I imagine as black. I've got rid of 'moving' and 'alertness' because 1) I like 'doppler hum' so much and 2) 'doppler' and 'hum' imply movement without the need for the words 'movement' or 'alertness'.
Make sense?
- the great Sir Leo Harrison
I certainly agree that it's very prose-like. Too much even. Good corrections
Secondarily, i think if you wrote that more lyrically and rhyming or something it would just seem arrogant in my opinion.
take care
Amadeus.
Leaving the pillow alone tonight
And I can see for miles
Speak father with all your might
Drive in one last nail
I’d walk right into your hands
From the end of the earth
I’d make one final stand
If you could see what I’m worth