Inspired by Jacob Lawrence's Gamblers

Ms. Haiku

We sit, primped, at the time of a quick life
and a prayer for a good hand. Flowers
as red as the ace of hearts in my hair.
White flowers, white as poker chips, in your
buttonhole. The gun hidden beneath your
coat matches the night, a hertz, and lampposts.
He lived a quick life. Too quick to pray, "Please,
help me win." His best friend pulled the trigger,
quickly leaving the cinema into
a barrage of my cousin's quick temper.
To love a man with a quick life, though tears
flow over many years and slowly, is
to learn love is a rosebud perfect and
pink trapped in a vase refusing to bloom.


I would like constructive criticism, please. I couldn't find a picture of this painting on the internet, unfortunately, but it's a very cool painting.

FinsburyParkCarrots

We sit, primped, at the time of a quick life
and a prayer for a good hand. Flowers
as red as the ace of hearts in my hair.
White flowers, white as poker chips, in your
buttonhole. The gun hidden beneath your
coat matches the night, a hertz, and lampposts.
He lived a quick life. Too quick to pray, "Please,
help me win." His best friend pulled the trigger,
quickly leaving the cinema into
a barrage of my cousin's quick temper.
To love a man with a quick life, though tears
flow over many years and slowly, is
to learn love is a rosebud perfect and
pink trapped in a vase refusing to bloom.


This fourteen line blank verse near-sonnet demonstrates in its first sentence (lines 1-2) an understanding of how rythmic equivalences between clauses joined by the conjunction "and" can suggest ironically thematic equivalence between the concept of quick life and living by the luck of gambling. Also, the passive voice of the word "primped", assonantally equivalent to "sit", suggests how women are conditioned within this social frame here. The second and third sentences (lines 2-4) cleverly reinforce, by witty comparisons of white flowers (usually a symbol of beauty beyond commodity value) to poker chips, the extent to which even the idiomatic language, and whole ideological perspective of the speaker is conditioned by their complusive habit of gambling.
Lines five-5-6 deliberately deconstruct the clichèd simile of a gun's colour matching the night by making further references to a hertz and lamposts, which further describe the imagery of underworld nightlife.
Line seven should perhaps commence a new stanza. The transition in the poem from description to past tense narrative in lines 7-9 place the speaker deeper within this precarious, dangerous lifestyle.
I would also begin a new stanza at line eleven; I like the clever use of antithesis in the last lines, where the speaker's life as a woman in a male gambler's world is portrayed in the binary images of slowness versus quickness. As an ironic reference to the image of the flowers commodified by gambler capitalism, the speaker is symbolised as the trapped flower in a vase, a show possession of the crapshooter's world.

FinsburyParkCarrots

http://magart.rochester.edu/Images/A1.74.1.jpg

Ms. Haiku

Thanks for finding the image and the input! Food for thought. If the speaker comes cross loud and clear as a woman, i hope it is as a strong woman.

DopeBeastie

the flow is a titch choppy but otherrwise good, that is to say, it reads quickly and painlessly save for all the commas

and the barrage of anger is a wonderful line


"the time of a quick life" is a little rough

"white flowers ______ in your buttonhole" maybe "tucked" or something... but it feels like it wants a verb there

and "though" in "though tears"... it just catches the eye and stumps the read... perhaps it is "although" or shoot, even "through"... but "though" doesn't work, imo...

just my opinion

i've enjoyed your stuff

DopeBeastie

a woman would have to be strong to love a gamblin man, right?

strong or stupid, lol

FinsburyParkCarrots

"Though" is assonantally equivalent with the word "flow", and is, I have to say, beautifully poetic. There's no reference to a barrage of anger. The line is
"a barrage of my cousin's quick temper."

DopeBeastie

temper/anger

it's the impression that stuck


and assonance can sometimes impede flow, regardless


i thought you and I had a deal?

FinsburyParkCarrots

We have a deal, to use the gambler's lexis.

"Though" is assonantal with the word "flow" which shortly follows. This is all I'm saying.

Ms. Haiku

People, People! come on now . . . or as I would say to my nieces, "People, people , , , ok, I'll make you brownies."

anyway, this is great feedback, thank you!

DopeBeastie

excellent poem, biblio

i've started writing to music, it's been sweet

FinsburyParkCarrots

I've made a complaint about this insanity. I'm out of here.

suede

Don't let the door hit you on the ass.

Originally posted by FinsburyParkCarrots
I've made a complaint about this insanity. I'm out of here.