Yales Series of Younger Poets Poem#4
Ms. Haiku
Posts: 7,265
June stretches a path for one block at a stoplight.
As she waits watery smoke folds pedestrians
within blinding metal scarves of noise.
The smoke, weighted, places second to heat that burns.
After crossing the street she spies a sense
dressed as a Venetian Carnival Harliquin.
It's blush is permanently painted.
It's eyes remained closed.
This Harliquin guides through heat
sidestepping envelopes of air sealed in soot.
Approaching Summer spots holes to burn through,
but the Harliquin changes it's colors to green.
It mimics pride with branches as oars,
and rows the air with a gondola breeze.
Moments later she spies the Harliquin
as it docks beneath of canopy of leaves.
Corner routine forces her to walk up the porch steps
as Harliquin trails a few paces behind.
She looks in the mirror, and agrees
to the removal of her necklace by heating fingers.
Ok, big revision. What stops you when you shouldn't be stoped? What lingers on past conversation into a bad monologue? Thanks again!
As she waits watery smoke folds pedestrians
within blinding metal scarves of noise.
The smoke, weighted, places second to heat that burns.
After crossing the street she spies a sense
dressed as a Venetian Carnival Harliquin.
It's blush is permanently painted.
It's eyes remained closed.
This Harliquin guides through heat
sidestepping envelopes of air sealed in soot.
Approaching Summer spots holes to burn through,
but the Harliquin changes it's colors to green.
It mimics pride with branches as oars,
and rows the air with a gondola breeze.
Moments later she spies the Harliquin
as it docks beneath of canopy of leaves.
Corner routine forces her to walk up the porch steps
as Harliquin trails a few paces behind.
She looks in the mirror, and agrees
to the removal of her necklace by heating fingers.
Ok, big revision. What stops you when you shouldn't be stoped? What lingers on past conversation into a bad monologue? Thanks again!
There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
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The images are fantastic.
"A breeze converts this shade to a gift.
An architect couldn't plan such efficiency."
I like that the best. I might use a semicolon after gift.
The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
June stretches a path for one block at a stoplight. (Less syllables? Any way to conflate this line?)
As she waits watery smoke folds pedestrians
within blinding metal scarves of noise. (I think there's some mixing of metaphors here; I'm not sure I can visualise metal scarves within watery smoke, unless, that is, you introduce an image of steelworks where steel and water are combined. And even then, what about the scarves? That image belongs in a trope about clothing, not steelworking)
The smoke, weighted, places second to heat that burns.
After crossing the street she spies a sense
dressed as a Venetian Carnival Harliquin.(sp. Harlequin)
It's blush is permanently painted. (Possessive pronoun should be 'its'; you only say 'it's' when you're truncating 'it is')
It's eyes remained closed. (Again)
This Harliquin guides through heat (sp. Harlequin)
sidestepping envelopes of air sealed in soot.(I think this line has an excess of sibilance and is rhythmically a little awkward. I would substitute a two syllable word for 'sidestepping': rhythmically 'sidestepping' is a dactyl ( - //) and it's a bit top heavy for the metre on the line as a whole. The metaphor in the line works, though. Could you compact the phrase to 'soot-sealed envelopes of air'? Seal-ed could then be spoken as two syllables to give the piece extra bounce)
Approaching Summer spots holes to burn through,
but the Harliquin changes it's colors to green.(Harlequin; its)
It mimics pride with branches as oars,
and rows the air with a gondola breeze.
Moments later she spies the Harliquin (say 'June spies the 'Harlequin')
as it docks beneath of canopy of leaves.
Corner routine forces her to walk up the porch steps (the language is a bit too prose-like in this line, since it foregrounds the narrative element of story in a prose-like fashion where all else in this poem is in a poetic register and tone)
as Harliquin trails a few paces behind. (Harlequin)
She looks in the mirror, and agrees (June looks)
to the removal of her necklace by heating fingers.
Hope that helps!
The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
I was going to ask about June, too, but I figured that when a pronoun so closely follows a proper noun they must correspond.
Glad to be of help.