not a poem...yet, so help

Spot In The Sky

i had this initial idea, but i cant seem to find any rythm for it, so maybe one of you skillfull writters out there can lend a hand or advice

each morning i approach you with heart in hand
the notion you wont accept brings me to clench my fists
resulting in the end

if ya dont get it- heart in hand and then clenching= killing heart

ok, someone make it good...go!

...thank you,
kevin

ISN

hehehehe....I'm no expert, but I think you need to re-word the whole thing.....there must be rythm in it somewhere, so re-write the fukker.......I know what you're trying to say......but it's not a poem really yet......I'll keep thinking about it.....

Spot In The Sky

those are just the words i jotted down at first. feel free to change em up. just trying to keep the idea of heart in hand-> clench-> the end

...thank you,
kevin

FinsburyParkCarrots

You know, a poem sometimes says more in process than as a product. You could actually write a poem about how you're trying to describe how you kill by overclenching the heart you hold desperately in your hand to keep, and explore in the poem itself why you're finding difficulties with the idea. See where that takes you, toward new creative possibilities, always with this idea of the overclenched heart at the centre of your work.

suede

Each morning I approach you
with Heart in hand
but you are the salt in my seas
and you'll never understand.
You are the salt in the cuts
of my Heart of rust
leaving me on the shore
like a cast away for you to ignore.
I wanted to give you one last stand
but on my shore you never did land
so I just stood facing the ocean
with my toes in the sand.
Your poison-potion
has polluted the notion
that you ever showed any sign of devotion.
And it's this notion you won't accept
that brings me to clench my fists
the same way when we first kissed
when we matched wits.
Now it's the emotion where we slept
and those memories persist
in these scars on my lips
resulting in the end.

ISN

see....somebody's got a brain....

suede

...and I'm not afraid to use it
svaaank you

ISN

snow problem?

Spot In The Sky

shit sude- youre good. well theres nothing i can come up with to compare to that- so you win that one. i liked it a lot. im more of a whiney dashboard confessional kinda "writer" for the most part, so if i do work on this idea, itll come out really sappy, ya know- so i can hate myself afterwards. thanks for the input though, definitly got the creative juices flowing.

...thank you,
kevin

nailz100

What notion won't this person accept?

suede

the notion, the fact, that __ Loves __
...that he Loves her...when she never cared...

well, that's what it is to me anyway...words don't always have to make sense as long as they sound good lol

Originally posted by nailz100
What notion won't this person accept?

suede

thanks Kevin
i've never really listened to dashboard, though i think i've heard a song or two on the radio in the past. glad i got your juices flowi.....that just sounds wrong lol

Originally posted by Spot In The Sky
shit sude- youre good. well theres nothing i can come up with to compare to that- so you win that one. i liked it a lot. im more of a whiney dashboard confessional kinda "writer" for the most part, so if i do work on this idea, itll come out really sappy, ya know- so i can hate myself afterwards. thanks for the input though, definitly got the creative juices flowing.

...thank you,
kevin

nailz100

Well, thats what I figured it was....but I wanted to ask Spot. I did not want to write something that was a misrepresentation of his work.

suede

Kev might have a different meaning, but that's what i got out of those few lines...
"each morning i approach you with heart in hand
the notion you wont accept brings me to clench my fists
resulting in the end"

that he's attempting to make this offering of his Heart...daily...first thing...probably gets some cold look of "whatever"...the fact that he Loves and cares never matters...and he's left with his Heart in his hand...clenching it...wishing it was something more...and just like that it ends...and every morning it starts all over again...

or maybe it reminds me too much of my life...

Originally posted by nailz100
Well, thats what I figured it was....but I wanted to ask Spot. I did not want to write something that was a misrepresentation of his work.

nailz100

The question is why? What is so special about this girl...besides her looks? If she is such a nice person, then why is she so cold? Does he really know the real her, or is he going on what he thinks she is like?

Spot In The Sky

nah- i know her. quite well too, which im proud of. shes pretty, but as our lady peace says "talking is just masterbating without the mess" and honestly- talking with her is almost just as good, if not better. if i didnt leave for rhode island, something probably couldve come about, but this is where my life brings me, and shes going to shcool at new york university, but i just get the feeling that the distance thing is worth trying, and i think the distance is the only thing in between. but i still make the offer to her all the time and tell her i think its worth it. i think shes got a lot going on with starting college and she wouldnt wanna let me down by not meeting her own standards that she might not be able to live up to in our new lives. i respect it, i just wish i could give her what shes looking for. suede had the idea pretty well- always does. to her- she wants to figure out how to deal with the distance problem so we can be together. but for me- i wanna be with her and then figure out the distance thing.

suede

i don't know, man. i'd be careful on this one if i were you. distance or not, it doesn't sound like she's putting forth much of an effort and that you are the one giving 100% and getting little or nothing in return?? i dunno...
that's one of my favorite OLP lyrics...cool.
NY & Rhode Island are not too far away, eh? as long as she starts to show you something, that she wants to try, then yeah...be a Nike and just do it...if you continue to get nothing...no reaction....cut your losses before you are left winless.
best of luck to ya

nailz100

I think a long distance relationship is as hard on the body as a heart attack....they very seldom work out. I'm not saying it isn't worth it, but it is very hard. I feel similar to the way you do about a lady who is far away and with someone else. She used to be with one of my friends who I am not really friends with anymore. The only thing that I've ever wanted for her is to be happy..and I am fine with just being friends with her. The only thing is that I know she is not truly happy...and it sucks when you know you can be the one to treat her like the queen she really is.

Spot In The Sky

i dont know if shes worth it....thats what i wanna find out.
theres so many mixed signals- its like she wants to, but she cant.
i had something like this in mind

youre like a scarecrow dropping feed
i come heart in hand to gather seeds
fists clench at the look you wont give me
resulting in the end

now i know the words still need changing- but i liked the scarecrow dropping feed thing- what could be more of a mixed signal?

nailz100

Sounds like alot of mind games to me...

If she doesn't know what she wants then it is pointless for you to throw yourself into the tornado and end up getting knocked around. Best thing to do if you ask me is to state plainly how you feel about her and what you want from her ONCE.....and then leave it and never mention it again. If she want to be with you knowing how you feel, she will come to you...

The poem is cool too...

Don't let anybody tell you how to write or that you have to change your words...they are YOUR words, and nobody else in this world knows exactly how or what you feel.