someone give me a hand with this, cause im at a wall.....

Spot In The Sky

ok, so its called sacrafice- for obvious reasons, but i cant keep the idea of goin, im all out of ideas, so someone with actual talent out there should give me a hand to keep me goin with this cause i like what i have so far, and dont think its ready to be ended. any advice or criticism will be appreciated, thanks again.

Elbows locked hands at ten and two.
One head light out so there’s half a road.
With a knife secured between palm and wheel
On a mission to remove your fingers
So that I’m all that you can count on.
Plans for dinner in accordance to my plan
Drugs dig their roots in to your drink
Passing out on your way out the door
Eyes roll back and lids close up for the night
I staple them closed to keep your eyes in place
So that you know I’ll always be behind you.

ok smart people....THINK!!

Ms. Haiku

Hi, I'm smart. There is a point where the poem will force the driver to accept responsibility for the violent actions or face consequences. Otherwise it will be pretty boring. Will this person turn around after seeing a friend and then have to hide the knife, or will the person be in prison after originally going after JUST fingers and then who knows what comes next. The person who is the target, can he/she defend him/herself? What will be the turn in the night that will either change the driver for the rest of his/her life or keep his/her life going until there is another crisis.

grooveamatic

Bibliobella has some good advice, but I've got some different advice.

The actions of the narrator here are secondary to their motivations, the forces that have driven them to this point. What aspect of being human are you exploring with this? Ask yourself: what are you trying to say? Once you have a clear idea of what you want to say about the human condition (are you talking about relationships? anger? the unswayable hold of the past?) I'd bet the poem will finish itself.

I do think this: the poem shouldn't be very much longer. Whatever you have to say could probably be wrapped up in 4 more lines.

Spot In The Sky

ok- thanks for the advice people- this is what i came up, so lay on the criticism...


Elbows locked hands at ten and two.
One head light out so there’s half a road.
With a knife secured between palm and wheel
On a mission to remove your fingers
So that I’m all that you can count on.
Plans for dinner in accordance to my plan
Drugs dig their roots in to your drink
Passing out on your way out the door
Eyes roll back and lids close up for the night
I staple them closed to keep your eyes in place
So that you know I’ll always be behind you.
When you awake to bruised wrists
And run your tongue over your chapped lips
You’re hand will discover an engraving.
Where your thigh meets the shin
You’ll unearth an outline of my name
So that you’ll forever be reminded
That I’ll be waiting at your knees.

lemme know what you think...

...thank you,
Kevin

Ms. Haiku

Hello Kevin: I felt the same way yesterday about line 4 I just forgot to mention it. The first three lines flow, then line 4 and 5 are too graphic that it stops the poem a little. I think the rest of the poem flows more since at this time it is a plan. Have you read Tim O'Brien's In the Lake of the Woods? The main character may or may not have killed his wife and the poem reminds me of that. He writes a lot about vietnam vets and what happens when they come back. In that book the main character feels justified in not knowing if he killed his wife or at least not admitting to it. Often it's difficult to read about such premeditated violence.

suede

"On a mission to remove your fingers
So that I’m all that you can count on."
I think those are great lines! Dark sarcastic wit.

The line I don't like is this:
"Plans for dinner in accordance to my plan"
The use of the word plan twice in one line is too much here in my opinion.

I think if you go with this idea, you could write many dark poems and start to create even more imagery as great as that of the removing fingers to count on.

FinsburyParkCarrots

I disagree with you actually, Suede. The line uses "plan" twice, ironically and according to a classical rhetorical convention. (We academically trained critics know these things. ) In rhetoric this figure is called chiasmus (I was talking with ISN about this the other day): a repeated word of phrase begins and ends a clause with a variant effect. The speaker is planning dinner, ostensibly an innocuous, sociable thing to do, but dinner here is part of a further, sinister plan that the speaker has, to drug and violate the victim.

The speaker here is pretty damned scary! I've had a go at trying to strengthen his voice here.

Elbows locked, and hands at ten-to-two,
Eyes on half a road. One headlight out.
I've a knife in palm on steering wheel
On my mission to remove your fingers
So that I’m all that you can ever count on.
Plans for dinner? - dinner fits my plan:
Drugs digging roots of sleep into your drink
Dragging you to ground en route to door.
I'll staple seal your eyelids down, my love,
So that you know I’ll always be behind you.
And then when you awake to bruised wrists
And run your tongue along your chapping lips
Your hand will touch a deep engraving there,
The point at which your thigh meets at the shin.
You’ll unearth an outline of my name
So that you will forever be reminded
Of the man who suffered at your knees.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Originally posted by Bibliobella
Hi, I'm smart. There is a point where the poem will force the driver to accept responsibility for the violent actions or face consequences. Otherwise it will be pretty boring. Will this person turn around after seeing a friend and then have to hide the knife, or will the person be in prison after originally going after JUST fingers and then who knows what comes next. The person who is the target, can he/she defend him/herself? What will be the turn in the night that will either change the driver for the rest of his/her life or keep his/her life going until there is another crisis.

If you were writing a long narrative you might create the protagonist in Aristotelian fashion as fighting between a partial goodness, and a tragic hubris/destructive propensity, and then you might, as you suggest, have him choose one course of action or another, either "good" or "bad" (for want of more satisfying words). But this is a short piece and it works well as a psychologically realistic snapshot of the obsessive character of a psychopathic mind.

suede

I knew that the use of a word at the beginning and end of a sentence/clause is a used form of writing, though I didn't know the name for it. I only said I thought it was too much when used in this case. It seems that so many other words are used to describe things in the poem, that surely another word could be used instead of one of the 'plans.' I like your rework of the poem, Fins.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Originally posted by suede
I knew that the use of a word at the beginning and end of a sentence/clause is a used form of writing, though I didn't know the name for it. I only said I thought it was too much when used in this case. It seems that so many other words are used to describe things in the poem, that surely another word could be used instead of one of the 'plans.'

Sure.

suede

yeah