everything's ok now (so happy)

ISN

and I get to drink sweet wine
and I get to be divine
and all of those foundless fears
abate with each passing year
and all of my fumbling floundering flailing
kicking down doors and chaining to railings
are worth it now
I'm Ishmael
at the prow
and I get to twitch with pleasure
and sleep in such soft supine
everything's okay now
and I get to drink sweet wine



(formerly posted in groove's thread by mistake - thank Mod for edit button)

DopeBeastie

kicking down doors and knocking down tables in a restaurant, in a West End town, call the police there's a madman around, hunt him down, underground, to die in a bar in a West End Town

east end girls




nice write, isn

Ali

Nice poem...congrats on your new home!

I like the poem!

ali

ISN

thx you two......:)

eden

ISN wrote:

and I get to drink sweet wine
and I get to be divine
and all of those foundless fears
abate with each passing year
and all of my fumbling floundering flailing
kicking down doors and chaining to railings
are worth it now
I'm Ishmael
at the prow
and I get to twitch with pleasure
and sleep in such soft supine
everything's okay now
and I get to drink sweet wine



(formerly posted in groove's thread by mistake - thank Mod for edit button)

Wow, thats amazing.
Is it too personal to ask what inspired it?

ISN

no, sure, I have no secrets.....I've been happy since my baby was born.....or about six months after he was born......I went through hell in the UK, and moved to Spain which was also a bit dodgy....the first 3 years of life in Australia were very difficult up until April 2004 when I moved into this apartment in a Chinatown of Sydney......my health has improved......and my doctor thinks I'm going to be well from now on.......everything is so much better than it has been for the last 20 years......I guess you could say, out of 20 years (and twenty nervous breakdowns), I've just had one good year.......let's hope it continues

eden

ISN wrote:

no, sure, I have no secrets.....I've been happy since my baby was born.....or about six months after he was born......I went through hell in the UK, and moved to Spain which was also a bit dodgy....the first 3 years of life in Australia were very difficult up until April 2004 when I moved into this apartment in a Chinatown of Sydney......my health has improved......and my doctor thinks I'm going to be well from now on.......everything is so much better than it has been for the last 20 years......I guess you could say, out of 20 years (and twenty nervous breakdowns), I've just had one good year.......let's hope it continues

Thanx for sharing that
Im happy that you feel better.
Nervous breakdowns suck huh?

ISN

yeah, they're pretty bad, but life goes on.....I always bounce back pretty high.....so that's quite a good thing......maybe I've had my last one now......my doctor is hinting that I might be getting better......he wrote in my medical report for my custody legal aid application......that my prognosis was 'guardedly optimistic'.......pretty damn cool.......I'm VERY healthy

Kwyjibo

We came into town under cover of night, because we
were pretty sure the people here were going to hate us
once they really got to know us. In our lives together, which
are sweet in the way of rotting things, it is somehow
permanently summer.

THE MOON rose above the trees, older than time,
greener than money. You hung your head out the window
of our dusty lemon-yellow El Camino and howled, and I
turned up the radio, because the sound of your voice was
already beginning to get to me. The speakers crackled
and the music came through: Frankie Valli and the Four
Seasons. Pretty as a midsummer's morn, they call her
Dawn. Let the love of God come and get is if it wants
us so bad. We know were we are going when all of
this is done.

SOME PEOPLE MIGHT SAY that buying a house you've
never actually seen close-up is a bad idea, but what does
anybody know about our needs, anyhow? For us it was
perfect. The peeling paint. The old cellar. The garden in
the back. The porch out front. The still air of the living
room. The attic. Everywhere entirely unfurnished and
doomed to remain largely so, save for our own meager
offerings: a cheap sofa, an old mattress, a couple of chairs
and some ashtrays. Maybe a table salvaged from some diner
gone into bankruptcy, I don't remember. Neither do you.
We drank store-brand gin with fresh lime juice out of plastic
cups or straight from the bottle and we spread ourselves out
face-up on the wooden floors. An aerial view of us might
have suggested that we'd been knocked out, but what we were
doing was staking our claim. Establishing our territories.
Making good. Not on the vows we'd made but on the ones
we'd really meant. You produced a wallet-sized transistor
radio out of nowhere and you found a sympathetic station:
somebody was playing Howlin' Wolf. Smokestack lightning.
O yes, I loved you once. O yes, you loved me more. We entered
our new house like a virus entering its host. You following
me, me following you. However you like. The windows were
high and the walls were thick and sturdy. It was hot as blazes.
The guts of summer. Always down in the sugar-deep barrel-
bottom belly of summer itself. Always. In our shared walk
down to the bottom, which bottom we will surely find if only
our hearts are brave and our love true enough, we have found
that it is somehow invariably and quite permanently summer.

grooveamatic

ISN--such effective, natural alliteration I have not seen in quite some time. Bravo.

ISN

thanks Kwyjibo......

Groover......I felt quite fond of my fumbling floundering flailing as I wrote them.....and even of my 'kicking down doors' until I remembered the pet shop boys this morning......all in all, I'm not ashamed of my peom......it hit the right note last night when I was so high.......and really, this whole year is leaving me with doubts about my permanent hell......I've come out into the light......I don't know how to explain it, I still have delusions etc, but I'm no longer unhappy.....

grooveamatic

...what joyous relief it is to depart a wretched storm. I've been there, ISN. Always keep this fresh in your mind, and you'll be able always to feel it.....

ISN

leaving hell is better than winning the lottery......leaving that dreary life behind, and coming to a world of smiles and soft phrases......instead of spitting and insults......I'm half-way to heaven.......and the weird thing is, I'm not afraid anymore......isn't that weird?

grooveamatic

ISN wrote:

leaving hell is better than winning the lottery......leaving that dreary life behind, and coming to a world of smiles and soft phrases......instead of spitting and insults......I'm half-way to heaven.......and the weird thing is, I'm not afraid anymore......isn't that weird?

I don't think it's weird at all. I think it's the most natural miracle that can happen to a person.

A miracle happened to me a little over two years ago. And yep, I remember one of the first thoughts: I'm not afraid anymore!

To this day I wake up thinking about it, treasuring it. Getting out and living this beautiful life!

Congrats to you ISN. I had not known it was so bad for you. But I'm thrilled it's better.

ISN

likewise.....I didn't know it was so bad for you......for me.....to have over 20 hospitalisations in so many years and to be psychotic for weeks and months at a time, and all the nightmare that goes along with that day-to-day......was incredibly difficult......ever since I was 17 and I had my first psychotic episode in Malaysia......things have gone downhill.....now I'm 39, and I listen to birdsong in the morning, and open the blinds onto a sunny vista.....I have my little baby's gurgling phrases and the goodwill of these beautiful Australians who are just plain nice.....and friendly.....and I feel like it's nirvana.....I still get bad days, but it's beyond comparison with the last 20 years......I feel like I won fantasy island!!!!!

grooveamatic

mmmmmmmm...to smile! to be happy! to be beyond irrational fear!

I am quite happy for you, ISN.

And it was never so quite bad for me...I was crazy, true, but only for a few years, and only interred for mere months....it was brief but hell nonetheless....i live in the light now....

I'll be seeing you around the board, happy woman! I must sleep now.

Being Enlightened

Girl, that made me from ear to ear! I am SO happy for you! It's always good to hear about good things happening to people. Keep smiling, chicky!