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hope? maybe need

sleeplikeadogsleeplikeadog Posts: 156
edited December 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
The familiar colors light the trees
Making the sounds more of a feeling
I haven't had the feeling in a while
Maybe it was a defense
Surely not a crutch
But I still see
And seeing keeps the life in this poor tiny heart,
that would've otherwise shriveled up and died long ago
Walking is still honest
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • EvilToasterElfEvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    It's funny how sometimes the only thing a human being ever needs requires only interactions with the world, without the influence of other human beings

    serenity of nature

    I would say add some more visuals to drive the point home but if you were to leave it as is I would say break those last two lines, smooth the poem out a bit

    ETE
  • bossman3188bossman3188 Posts: 263
    EvilToasterElf wrote:
    It's funny how sometimes the only thing a human being ever needs requires only interactions with the world, without the influence of other human beings

    serenity of nature

    I would say add some more visuals to drive the point home but if you were to leave it as is I would say break those last two lines, smooth the poem out a bit

    ETE



    sorry to say but you shouldnt critisize others work. we are not professionals here. Nobody is perfect.
    there'll be time for laughin'
    there's no time to cry
    soon i will be leavin'
    look me in the eye
    no matter what's in front of me
    it's your face that i'll see
  • KwyjiboKwyjibo Posts: 662
    that was purely constructive criticism
    I think it was fine, and if I were the author of this poem, I would appreciate it
    The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, is that its you, and that you're standing in the doorway.

    I write down good reasons to freeze to death in my spiral ring notebook. But in the long tresses of your hair--I am a babbling brook.
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