Hour-Glass, I need your input, it's simple word I write them that way.......

pearljoy

I’m contained in an hourglass; denizen thoughts stream like pouring sand over me; fragments of life cut into my future but bleed from my past –

I’m measured in a glass I’m staring at me; I suffer with the questions I’ve sentenced my own destiny, I will die from lack of empathy, empathy for me -

You may turn the hourglass one more time; I’ve digested my consequences, admitted my crimes – I surrender to the anguish of the hourglass of time –

Slow sick dripping sand spills the lost the yearning the need into my mentality, curse the day I was delivered into society -

I carry on with this make-believe I make choices to ignore the fragile heart crying in me –
Diffuse the glass I’m trapped by a sinister misery, unkind obsessions rule the lands I call insanity –

Triumph seeks other men- Insignificance is all I achieved…………

Buru

Originally posted by pearljoy
I’m contained in an hourglass; denizen thoughts stream like pouring sand over me; fragments of life cut into my future but bleed from my past –

I’m measured in a glass I’m staring at me; I suffer with the questions I’ve sentenced my own destiny, I will die from lack of empathy, empathy for me -

You may turn the hourglass one more time; I’ve digested my consequences, admitted my crimes – I surrender to the anguish of the hourglass of time –

Slow sick dripping sand spills the lost the yearning the need into my mentality, curse the day I was delivered into society -

I carry on with this make-believe I make choices to ignore the fragile heart crying in me –
Diffuse the glass I’m trapped by a sinister misery, unkind obsessions rule the lands I call insanity –

Triumph seeks other men- Insignificance is all I achieved…………

I like some of the verses very much, and others not as much. These are some I like, they are strong:

fragments of life cut into my future but bleed from my past

You may turn the hourglass one more time; I’ve digested my consequences, admitted my crimes – I surrender to the anguish of the hourglass of time –

unkind obsessions rule the lands I call insanity

Triumph seeks other men- Insignificance is all I achieved…………


there's potential here. Keep writing.

DopeBeastie

the focus, or stream of thought in this particular piece is all over the place... there's a least three separate foci loci here...

one is the subject being trapped in glass, and that experience... that looking at oneself all warped in the curves

there is the sand itself... stylized (sp?) as thoughts, future and past and fragmented, and washing over the subject, burying it, even...

and then there is the emotional state of the subject, too... obviously in a great deal of pain, and trying to fake it till he or she makes it

you use the words, I, me, my, I'm, and then you, too... and it's unclear as to who "you" is, and "you's" brief appearance detracts from the otherwise introspective point of view

i do see you trying to wrangle words on to page and make them do what you want them to, a smashing little hobby, imo... they can be impertinent little firecrackers sometimes, can't they?

peace to you