Me again one day

wayofthedrunkenpen

Some lyrics from a newbie...

So many tears
All a waste
Awaken to the night
With arms outstretched

Someday.

Hides amongst the dark
Waiting for the sun
Fearing open eyes
Incase the morning comes

Someday.

A moment lost in heat
Words dissolve in breath
Touch releases soul
There's nothing left

Someday.
I will return.

coleen

welcome newbie and thank you for posting these touching lyrics. they went straight to the core of me.

here's hoping that your someday comes sooner than later.

wayofthedrunkenpen

Thanks for the kind words Coleen. Wrote lyrics a couple of years ago. Haven't plucked up courage to give the song to my band yet, but after browsing this site today wondered what others thought of the lyrics. After all, there's no point writing unless others get to see and comment on what you write.

FinsburyParkCarrots

I like the way the 'a' sounds in your song, such as 'a waste/ Awaken/Waiting/Incase' (evoking the notion of 'a-' as a negative prefix), fight with sounds of resounding hope and pleasure, the visceral, aspirative 'uh' sounds in
"amongst/sun/comes". a waiting, a waste but a watch just in case... thw "w" sounds reinforce by echoes the notion of waste itself.
The last lines are clever especially. The sounds create a sense of irresolution: llisten to yourself saying or singing aloud the forlorn sounding "lost" and "dissolve". They make short 'o' sounds, brutal expirations.
"Touch" , an "uh" sound, should, like "amongst" seem to offer some pleasant echo of the sounds expressive of hope felt earlier in the lyric, but instead it presages the release or loss of "soul". And that long drawn out "oh" sound in "soul" creates a feeling of hope waning to death.

But the word "Someday" is bittersweet. It combines the sound of hope with the sound of negativity.

Poetry communicates in its sound, very much, as much as what it says in terms of content. I was listening to the sounds of your lyric and I like it. I'm sure it will work well to music. It's naturally musical.

I know that "crit." might sound like pretentious bollocks but that's what's called in the trade formalist analysis.

Cheers mate,
Finsbury.

tracingdaisies

Yup, give the lyrics to your band.

Formalist analysis or no, it's good shit.

wayofthedrunkenpen

Cheers guys- thanks for the comments. Will play the song to band next practice. Only hope I get as good a response from them as from you.

PrettyNoose

you wouldn't think you were a newbie
clear. simple. emotive.