Untitled poem, feedback much appreciated :)
Mr Pyjama
Posts: 253
Okay, this is a poem i wrote for my friend, basically covering all the thoughts in my head. It's inspired form this Dylan poem i heard that he wrote for Woody Guthrie, and partly from an Ani DiFranco poem.
Anyway, feedback would be kindly appreciated, thanks.
Emptiness... painting the face of a scene,
Over the scent of a cigarette squashed under the feet,
By the imposing, intolerant – too blind to see,
Too deaf to hear, too unlike me.
And there’s a flicker, a changing in the screen,
But the hope rolls back like the tide of the sea,
And we feel like we’ve lost, but it’s just another day,
And the whole thing repeats and flickers then fades.
I’ve got these people telling me how I should feel,
How I should think, what’s right, what’s real.
But all I can think of, and all I can say
Is: “Why, why, why?” and the words they just fade.
They fade to the sky with the fumes of a war –
And will someone please tell me what they’re fighting for?
Tell us…tell them, instead of walking away,
But the whole thing repeats and flickers then fades.
And the streets and the faces are alive with cries,
Of a 12 year old girl who didn’t think why,
And will her child grow up to love and to feel -
To appreciate the roll of the optimist’s wheel?
As it spins back and rolls on the crest of a wave,
Only to break on the nation we’re forgetting to save.
But I still have faith despite the steady demise,
In the form of a person; too kind, too wise,
With a heart that listens, that feels, that glows,
And the hope is echoed, it flickers then grows.
And the red wine is pouring, it flows and it flows,
Under the light of a candle our shadows dance real slow,
And you feel alive, you feel love, you see a point to the day,
And the whole thing repeats and flickers then fades.
Anyway, feedback would be kindly appreciated, thanks.
Emptiness... painting the face of a scene,
Over the scent of a cigarette squashed under the feet,
By the imposing, intolerant – too blind to see,
Too deaf to hear, too unlike me.
And there’s a flicker, a changing in the screen,
But the hope rolls back like the tide of the sea,
And we feel like we’ve lost, but it’s just another day,
And the whole thing repeats and flickers then fades.
I’ve got these people telling me how I should feel,
How I should think, what’s right, what’s real.
But all I can think of, and all I can say
Is: “Why, why, why?” and the words they just fade.
They fade to the sky with the fumes of a war –
And will someone please tell me what they’re fighting for?
Tell us…tell them, instead of walking away,
But the whole thing repeats and flickers then fades.
And the streets and the faces are alive with cries,
Of a 12 year old girl who didn’t think why,
And will her child grow up to love and to feel -
To appreciate the roll of the optimist’s wheel?
As it spins back and rolls on the crest of a wave,
Only to break on the nation we’re forgetting to save.
But I still have faith despite the steady demise,
In the form of a person; too kind, too wise,
With a heart that listens, that feels, that glows,
And the hope is echoed, it flickers then grows.
And the red wine is pouring, it flows and it flows,
Under the light of a candle our shadows dance real slow,
And you feel alive, you feel love, you see a point to the day,
And the whole thing repeats and flickers then fades.
Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later...
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
it means a lot...i was hoping to get a lot of feedback so i could make modifications we're appropriate etc...but ah well...thanks for taking your time to read and reply
But the hope rolls back like the tide of the sea,
And we feel like we’ve lost, but it’s just another day,
And the whole thing repeats and flickers then fades
thats really cool. good job.
~it is shining it is shining~