1st draft Poem / comments
jboelhow
Posts: 170
I am looking for honest constructive critisim of the following poem. I am using the poem as the backbone of a mini-movie I am producing for a contest. This is the FIRST draft, but I know we have some very insightful people on this board and I would appreciate your honest opinion. Both BAD and GOOD. Thanks!!
**Life is Beautiful**
Rainy Mornings
And cappuccino afternoons
All we have is the moments we choose
And the eyes we use to feel them
Life is beautiful
Even when the night falls
For the stars are there calling us
It takes thousands of years
For them to tell us a minute of their stories
I see the pain
And the joy
Of the reflection in the mirror
Forever showing the yesterday
I try to remember
Life is beautiful
When a child smiles
Because they can
In their eyes lies a secret
We somehow forget as we grow old
That secret I believe
Is the secret of life
And that Life is Beautiful
**Life is Beautiful**
Rainy Mornings
And cappuccino afternoons
All we have is the moments we choose
And the eyes we use to feel them
Life is beautiful
Even when the night falls
For the stars are there calling us
It takes thousands of years
For them to tell us a minute of their stories
I see the pain
And the joy
Of the reflection in the mirror
Forever showing the yesterday
I try to remember
Life is beautiful
When a child smiles
Because they can
In their eyes lies a secret
We somehow forget as we grow old
That secret I believe
Is the secret of life
And that Life is Beautiful
Live the life you dream
"Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way I use to be" -- John Mayer
"Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way I use to be" -- John Mayer
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
Disclaimer: I have no degree in Literature of any kind (Physics, if you were wondering). I know what I know through reading and writing.
These are gonna be sorta all over the map, but anyway...
First of all, it's "all we have are the moments we choose"
now, "feel" is an interesting choice and I wonder if you considered the ramafications. You see, "feel" obviosly refers to our sense of touch, which is the most intimate of our senses. To say that we feel our moments with our eyes (an inherently distant and non-intimate sense) suggests someone who has difficulty with intimacy or action. If that's what you were going for, Brilliant. If not you should reconsider.
I don't have too much time right now to pour over the rest but it seems pretty well written to me. Despite your optimistic ending, I get an overall feel of regret from your poem--a very interesting duality.
Good Luck and keep writing, it's the only way to go.
Peace Out
This part is suppose to represent that disconnection you mentioned... that feeling of not fully being involved in the moment, we "see" our lives but how many of us get all our senses involved?
Thanks again.
Feel free anyone to comment, I am taking notes...
"Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way I use to be" -- John Mayer
Rainy Mornings
And cappuccino afternoons
All we have are the moments we choose
And the eyes we use to feel them
As we bathe in the beauty of Life
Life is beautiful
Even when the night falls
For the stars are there calling us
It takes thousands of years
For them to tell us a minute of their stories
As we bask in the glory of Life
I see the pain
And I see the joy
Of that viewed in the mirror
Always showing the yesterday
And I always try to remember
The glory of years lived in the grip of Life
Life is beautiful, a treasure
When a child smiles
From deep inside and spreads their mirth about
In their eyes twinkle secrets
Forgotten (though once known)
And we sing through the story of Life
Those secrets I believe
Are the secrets of life retrieved
and how deep is the Beauty of Life
(the last line bit must be influenced by Chimes of Freedom by Bob Dylan cos I'm listening to it so much atm)
ISN, I like the repeated idea of "LIFE" lines. (Had a "want to be a millionaire" flash back) I will consider using this approach in the next draft. Thanks.
"Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way I use to be" -- John Mayer
"Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way I use to be" -- John Mayer
And cappuccino afternoons
All we have is the moments we choose
And the eyes we use to feel them"
You could say the same thing without the discourse of the last two lines. You could say this in images, whilst saving the introduction of the concept of "the eye" for a moment:
"Rainy mornings, cappucino afternoons:
Moments of decision shine
like diamond rain on an open window,
pattering beautifully
between the sounds of wind
between the trees."
Then, when instead of saying:
"Life is beautiful
Even when the night falls
For the stars are there calling us
It takes thousands of years
For them to tell us a minute of their stories",
you could play with the image of diamond rain and turn it into an image of a star:
"Yes, Diamond rain stars a window,
And tonight the map of gems will crown
true stars, their precise deliberate blaze
immediate on the eye, like revelation,
whispering thousands of years
in the lonely passing of light."
So, you're introducing the idea that there are moments of decision and revelation about the nature of consciousness and being and purpose, and they spot like rain which, you have hinted, punctuate great intervals of indecision; then you consider starlight which hits you like a revelation but again has to negotiate the vastness of space and time.
You could condense this:
"I see the pain
And the joy
Of the reflection in the mirror
Forever showing the yesterday
I try to remember
Life is beautiful
When a child smiles
Because they can
In their eyes lies a secret
We somehow forget as we grow old"
And say:
"Rain on glass decides a path,
Starlight in an eye ends a travel in darkness.
A child sees all of this,
A child's eyes smile the destiny of starlight.
But my own eyes in a mirror
are often dulled,
unremembering chances of light."
End with this, which echoes Socratic/Platonic concepts of the path of recollection as the route to wisdom:
"Beautiful rain, beautiful stars:
Let me find the decision of revelation
an epiphany of life on a path of recollection
in return to the eye of the child."
Just a suggestion.
Just a beautiful poem in it's own right... I stand in awe of your poetic power FinsburyParkCarrots !!!!!
Side ramble here: this is what true art should be. Copyrights be damned. I believe that artist should be paid/ recognized for their work. But if something inspires us, we should be able to go with it. FinsburyParkCarrots has taken my words and created his own work. (which I must say is probably better than mine...) This is the power of art and I think we are losing that because everything is protected. Ok ramble over.
Thanks for the suggestions FinsburyParkCarrots... second version is almost done...
"Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way I use to be" -- John Mayer
Having said that, all my work is copyright Shranamonragh Bridgesongs, and if anyone nicks it, oi'll chop yer ballllllllllls orf......