Afflicted (Book of Poetry) part 1
hosh1314
Posts: 63
this is a large collection of my poems from a really dark place in my life.. none of these are really titled.. these are from the summer of last year.. just to warn you this is a rather large read.. because this is such a large read im splitting it up into three sections.. this is the first one.. please let me know what you think
Useless dividers
Try to conquer
Everything I've failed
Moving on
Against the past
And though I try
These feelings last
Nothing makes it go away
It always lasts
I try to speak
But you won’t hear me
I try to express
All these feelings
I just hope you know
That it was you
And when it clicks
I hope it fucks with you
Hope it drives you insane
Hope you can’t sleep
Hope you see
You’re just as ugly as me
Had it all planned out
Another painting in my head
How I'd end this life and never again have to dry my eyes
But something kept me
It wasn’t you that kept me
It was something else
Something I've never felt before
A glimpse of hope that came from no where
But all the shit inside of me
Can’t be much worse
For now I'm fucked
But sooner or later
My time will be up
By my hands or by yours
Depends if the end will ever be sure
Depends if you can keep your bull shit to yourself
Torture someone else
Why me
I sit here quietly and don’t say a word
'Till you come over and fuck me up
Well as of now I've had enough
Could care less if I never see you again
Could care less if you never break me down again
Could care less if these voices suddenly decease
All I care about
Is not feeling so empty
They say that feelings come and go
But I say they never leave your side
All these voices haunting me
Can you see the pain in my eyes?
I wish that this would go away
Will I ever feel complete?
Nothing seems to fill this space
None of that shit you promised would work
Well I hate this
And I hate you
God damn you fucking fuck
These words will never be enough to express the hate inside
It will never leave
It will never die
I want to hide from all the pain and taunts
Fucking voices in my head
No one will ever help me through this shit
I might as well get use to it
I might as well quit the struggle to survive
I wish that you would go away
I wish that you would die today
Go away
And then ill be ok
Fuck you and the words you say
Ill never change for you
Ill never be like you
I love you
But I hate you
Wish I had that perfect life
Read these words and you’ll be scared
Hear me express myself and you’ll cry
You couldn’t take this
Luckily you never have to face this
So alone is me
Wish I could survive
But I'm afraid ill die
Sooner or later
Someway or somehow
You’ll think of me and you wont care
No more burdens
A lot less prayers for you to pray at night
And when I'm gone
You’ll remember
How you were never there
And you wont fucking care
You never fucking cared
I really wish somebody cared
I see your eyes
The pain inside
That you gladly vent on me
Your words make me feel worthless
What the fucks the purpose
Will I ever get over this?
Will I always let your words slide?
Will I always hide?
Or will I fuck you up
Will I finally do to you?
What you’ve always done to me
You rip me apart
Leave me scattered across this empty place that I call me
You chew me up and spit me out
Tell me is it over now
I have to move on somehow
Have to press on somehow
Hope you feel it somehow
The guilt that you should feel
This cant be fucking real
I must be asleep
This must all be a bad dream
Someday ill wake and ill finally be free
You always leave me choked
Suffocating I can’t breathe
It’s so fucked up
There aint a fucking purpose
You’ll never scratch this surface
I probably deserve this
The walls are caving
I can feel it
Don’t want to be this
Wish I could change this
Don’t want to be me
Don’t come fucking near me
You only care when the tears are falling
You can’t see past me tears
I won’t let you in my world
Ill move on
If I’m able to
Ill stand
But ill need two feet again
Cant feel
Anything
This shit
Is overwhelming
Don’t pursue me
You’ll only lose me
In these memories
I can not forget
These four walls
All around me
There the only
Things that hear me
They watch the tears slowly fall
They felt my blows as I cried "why did I ever bother with this life at all"
Sometimes I just don’t know
I feel like I am nothing at all
Just another meaningless speck of dust
Always spat on
Always tucked away where no one goes
A lonely hole isolated on its own
It’s too scary for you to go in
Cause if you enter
Well I don’t know
No ones ever gone in here before
I hate the way you break me down
Without a sound
You cut right through me
Leave me bleeding
Will these scars ever leave me?
Open wounds
Never healing
How is it that you?
See straight through me
The words I hate are filled with love
I guess I just don’t feel like I'm good enough
To be cared for someone like you
What will I have to do?
To break away from you
I push
You pull
It never ends
These voices have kept me from sleeping again
I've been picked apart
There’s nothing left
I guess deep down I’ve always been dead
If I could speak
I probably would
But my words don’t come out the way they should
I wish for once id be understood
I’d express myself
If only I could
But when I speak
All you hear
Are slurs and stutters
And then you know
Why I never spoke before
To you its strange
To me it’s just me
Can’t believe
How much I’m haunted
By the memories
That Ill never share
Cause I’m way over here and your way over there
There’s a wall that separates us
I just found out
You put it there
Guess you’re too perfect
And I’m too ugly
For you to hold me when I’m crying
Your faces I will not forget
These memories
Are like a torture chamber inside my head
Like a rope around my neck that chokes me
If you had only got to know me
I wouldn’t be so scared inside
Inside of me there’s a little boy that’s crying
Always lying
To hide all my pain
I tell you its nothing
But inside I’m longing
For someone that will care
But as I look around
No ones there
I'm all alone in my hell
And what really hurts
Is no one can tell
Well fuck them all
I don’t need your grace
Damn I hate my ugly face
And fucked up body
How could anyone ever want me?
I'm always trying
At the same time hiding
From the pain I hold inside
I try to cry
But the tears won’t fall
Deep inside
I feel so dead
I feel so cold
Sometimes I can’t move at all
Lie alone
My chest so tight
This is a struggle I can’t fight
All these memories
Wondering why
How I get this way
Guess I’ve never shared before
Guess I’ve never been me before
If only I knew who I was
I'm stuck in a hole
That I’m afraid I’ve dug
I guess I failed to see
How much this shit really bothered me
I've started something that I can’t finish
I'm wondering how I ever got in this
I'm wondering where it all began
When did the decaying start
Deep down I know I'm falling apart
Shattered pieces like a case
That’s been broken apart by words of hate
Such a disgrace
I am nothing
Ill never be something
No wonder no one ever talks to me
No wonder I'm always so alone
On the outside I may seem like stone
But deep inside I'm shattered glass
Wondering why you always laugh
I've never had somebody want me
No ones ever got to know me
I hate always feeling so lonely
I'm a canvas
With no paint
I'm a person
Filled with hate
Fuck you and the things you say
Slowly I will fade away
I never mattered anyway
I'm so lost
Wish I knew where to go
I'm so alone
Wish I had something to hold onto
I get the feeling
Ill get past this
Do what I can
Say what I say
Just to make you go away
You were never there
You never cared
Why today
Why me
Is it to fuck with my mind?
Since you know I'm blind
I can't see who really cares for me
You know I'm dying
Emotions draining
In my head it's always raining
In my head the voices are saying
You are nothing
You’re a failure
You’re always crying
You’ll always be lonely
I wish I had someone to hold me
I’m afraid of
Everything and everyone that comes too close
I've lost all hope
I don’t know how I feel
I’ve never been real
And I don’t know you
Cause you don’t know me
You failed to see
I'm only being me
I hate being me
Always wished I was someone else
Wish I could explain the way I feel
Wish I had more then this paper and pen
Wish somebody actually cared
Wish I wasn’t always so fucking scared
To be myself when I’m around you
Wish I didn’t feel so surrounded
It’s like all these feelings are suffocating me
Cut off my air and I can’t breath
The day I die
Is the day ill be set free
Please make this go away
Cause I can’t take another day
Just make it go away
I don’t know what to say
To anyone anymore
This shits built up
I’m all filled up
With pain from all of you
And all your shit
I can’t take anymore of this
I want to fall apart
I want to let it out
I just want to shout
Fuck you and the shit you pull
I've had about enough of you
I can’t take anymore to do with you
It hurts inside
I can’t cry
There’s no tears left to fall
So ill just cry on the inside
Ill keep it all inside
Keep it away from you
Just hold me now
I’m broken on my knees and I’m hoping
Maybe someone
Will hear my cry
Just take me as I really am
For once I want to be sure
The only child born impure
This pain I can’t endure
All the times that I've failed
And still I hear you saying
You can do it if you try
Well I've tried
And I've cried
And I've fucked up for the last time
Things won’t change tonight
Inside I've become hollow
At this point
I just live for my tomorrow
Maybe someday it’ll be ok
Maybe someone will see past this ugly face
I'm the biggest disgrace you’ll ever meet
I've tried to pray
But the words just won’t come out
Wish I could escape somehow
Wish could confront my fears
Wish someone would wipe my tears
Alone and abandoned
I'm left here
If I'm lucky
Tomorrow I won’t be here
I feel so cold
I feel so empty
I feel nothing
I am
Nothing
Ill never be
Something
Guess you were right
Ill never change
I'm such a fuck up
I'm so fucked up
Ill never be
All the things you wanted me to be
Ill never believe
In all the things you force upon me
It’s a bunch of shit
It'll never fit
In the life I have attained
With the person I have become
I hate what I've become
Nothing
So useless
No one can see beyond this ugly face
You just look at me and turn away
Because of you
I'm afraid
That my fears will never fade
And my tears
Are here to stay
Useless dividers
Try to conquer
Everything I've failed
Moving on
Against the past
And though I try
These feelings last
Nothing makes it go away
It always lasts
I try to speak
But you won’t hear me
I try to express
All these feelings
I just hope you know
That it was you
And when it clicks
I hope it fucks with you
Hope it drives you insane
Hope you can’t sleep
Hope you see
You’re just as ugly as me
Had it all planned out
Another painting in my head
How I'd end this life and never again have to dry my eyes
But something kept me
It wasn’t you that kept me
It was something else
Something I've never felt before
A glimpse of hope that came from no where
But all the shit inside of me
Can’t be much worse
For now I'm fucked
But sooner or later
My time will be up
By my hands or by yours
Depends if the end will ever be sure
Depends if you can keep your bull shit to yourself
Torture someone else
Why me
I sit here quietly and don’t say a word
'Till you come over and fuck me up
Well as of now I've had enough
Could care less if I never see you again
Could care less if you never break me down again
Could care less if these voices suddenly decease
All I care about
Is not feeling so empty
They say that feelings come and go
But I say they never leave your side
All these voices haunting me
Can you see the pain in my eyes?
I wish that this would go away
Will I ever feel complete?
Nothing seems to fill this space
None of that shit you promised would work
Well I hate this
And I hate you
God damn you fucking fuck
These words will never be enough to express the hate inside
It will never leave
It will never die
I want to hide from all the pain and taunts
Fucking voices in my head
No one will ever help me through this shit
I might as well get use to it
I might as well quit the struggle to survive
I wish that you would go away
I wish that you would die today
Go away
And then ill be ok
Fuck you and the words you say
Ill never change for you
Ill never be like you
I love you
But I hate you
Wish I had that perfect life
Read these words and you’ll be scared
Hear me express myself and you’ll cry
You couldn’t take this
Luckily you never have to face this
So alone is me
Wish I could survive
But I'm afraid ill die
Sooner or later
Someway or somehow
You’ll think of me and you wont care
No more burdens
A lot less prayers for you to pray at night
And when I'm gone
You’ll remember
How you were never there
And you wont fucking care
You never fucking cared
I really wish somebody cared
I see your eyes
The pain inside
That you gladly vent on me
Your words make me feel worthless
What the fucks the purpose
Will I ever get over this?
Will I always let your words slide?
Will I always hide?
Or will I fuck you up
Will I finally do to you?
What you’ve always done to me
You rip me apart
Leave me scattered across this empty place that I call me
You chew me up and spit me out
Tell me is it over now
I have to move on somehow
Have to press on somehow
Hope you feel it somehow
The guilt that you should feel
This cant be fucking real
I must be asleep
This must all be a bad dream
Someday ill wake and ill finally be free
You always leave me choked
Suffocating I can’t breathe
It’s so fucked up
There aint a fucking purpose
You’ll never scratch this surface
I probably deserve this
The walls are caving
I can feel it
Don’t want to be this
Wish I could change this
Don’t want to be me
Don’t come fucking near me
You only care when the tears are falling
You can’t see past me tears
I won’t let you in my world
Ill move on
If I’m able to
Ill stand
But ill need two feet again
Cant feel
Anything
This shit
Is overwhelming
Don’t pursue me
You’ll only lose me
In these memories
I can not forget
These four walls
All around me
There the only
Things that hear me
They watch the tears slowly fall
They felt my blows as I cried "why did I ever bother with this life at all"
Sometimes I just don’t know
I feel like I am nothing at all
Just another meaningless speck of dust
Always spat on
Always tucked away where no one goes
A lonely hole isolated on its own
It’s too scary for you to go in
Cause if you enter
Well I don’t know
No ones ever gone in here before
I hate the way you break me down
Without a sound
You cut right through me
Leave me bleeding
Will these scars ever leave me?
Open wounds
Never healing
How is it that you?
See straight through me
The words I hate are filled with love
I guess I just don’t feel like I'm good enough
To be cared for someone like you
What will I have to do?
To break away from you
I push
You pull
It never ends
These voices have kept me from sleeping again
I've been picked apart
There’s nothing left
I guess deep down I’ve always been dead
If I could speak
I probably would
But my words don’t come out the way they should
I wish for once id be understood
I’d express myself
If only I could
But when I speak
All you hear
Are slurs and stutters
And then you know
Why I never spoke before
To you its strange
To me it’s just me
Can’t believe
How much I’m haunted
By the memories
That Ill never share
Cause I’m way over here and your way over there
There’s a wall that separates us
I just found out
You put it there
Guess you’re too perfect
And I’m too ugly
For you to hold me when I’m crying
Your faces I will not forget
These memories
Are like a torture chamber inside my head
Like a rope around my neck that chokes me
If you had only got to know me
I wouldn’t be so scared inside
Inside of me there’s a little boy that’s crying
Always lying
To hide all my pain
I tell you its nothing
But inside I’m longing
For someone that will care
But as I look around
No ones there
I'm all alone in my hell
And what really hurts
Is no one can tell
Well fuck them all
I don’t need your grace
Damn I hate my ugly face
And fucked up body
How could anyone ever want me?
I'm always trying
At the same time hiding
From the pain I hold inside
I try to cry
But the tears won’t fall
Deep inside
I feel so dead
I feel so cold
Sometimes I can’t move at all
Lie alone
My chest so tight
This is a struggle I can’t fight
All these memories
Wondering why
How I get this way
Guess I’ve never shared before
Guess I’ve never been me before
If only I knew who I was
I'm stuck in a hole
That I’m afraid I’ve dug
I guess I failed to see
How much this shit really bothered me
I've started something that I can’t finish
I'm wondering how I ever got in this
I'm wondering where it all began
When did the decaying start
Deep down I know I'm falling apart
Shattered pieces like a case
That’s been broken apart by words of hate
Such a disgrace
I am nothing
Ill never be something
No wonder no one ever talks to me
No wonder I'm always so alone
On the outside I may seem like stone
But deep inside I'm shattered glass
Wondering why you always laugh
I've never had somebody want me
No ones ever got to know me
I hate always feeling so lonely
I'm a canvas
With no paint
I'm a person
Filled with hate
Fuck you and the things you say
Slowly I will fade away
I never mattered anyway
I'm so lost
Wish I knew where to go
I'm so alone
Wish I had something to hold onto
I get the feeling
Ill get past this
Do what I can
Say what I say
Just to make you go away
You were never there
You never cared
Why today
Why me
Is it to fuck with my mind?
Since you know I'm blind
I can't see who really cares for me
You know I'm dying
Emotions draining
In my head it's always raining
In my head the voices are saying
You are nothing
You’re a failure
You’re always crying
You’ll always be lonely
I wish I had someone to hold me
I’m afraid of
Everything and everyone that comes too close
I've lost all hope
I don’t know how I feel
I’ve never been real
And I don’t know you
Cause you don’t know me
You failed to see
I'm only being me
I hate being me
Always wished I was someone else
Wish I could explain the way I feel
Wish I had more then this paper and pen
Wish somebody actually cared
Wish I wasn’t always so fucking scared
To be myself when I’m around you
Wish I didn’t feel so surrounded
It’s like all these feelings are suffocating me
Cut off my air and I can’t breath
The day I die
Is the day ill be set free
Please make this go away
Cause I can’t take another day
Just make it go away
I don’t know what to say
To anyone anymore
This shits built up
I’m all filled up
With pain from all of you
And all your shit
I can’t take anymore of this
I want to fall apart
I want to let it out
I just want to shout
Fuck you and the shit you pull
I've had about enough of you
I can’t take anymore to do with you
It hurts inside
I can’t cry
There’s no tears left to fall
So ill just cry on the inside
Ill keep it all inside
Keep it away from you
Just hold me now
I’m broken on my knees and I’m hoping
Maybe someone
Will hear my cry
Just take me as I really am
For once I want to be sure
The only child born impure
This pain I can’t endure
All the times that I've failed
And still I hear you saying
You can do it if you try
Well I've tried
And I've cried
And I've fucked up for the last time
Things won’t change tonight
Inside I've become hollow
At this point
I just live for my tomorrow
Maybe someday it’ll be ok
Maybe someone will see past this ugly face
I'm the biggest disgrace you’ll ever meet
I've tried to pray
But the words just won’t come out
Wish I could escape somehow
Wish could confront my fears
Wish someone would wipe my tears
Alone and abandoned
I'm left here
If I'm lucky
Tomorrow I won’t be here
I feel so cold
I feel so empty
I feel nothing
I am
Nothing
Ill never be
Something
Guess you were right
Ill never change
I'm such a fuck up
I'm so fucked up
Ill never be
All the things you wanted me to be
Ill never believe
In all the things you force upon me
It’s a bunch of shit
It'll never fit
In the life I have attained
With the person I have become
I hate what I've become
Nothing
So useless
No one can see beyond this ugly face
You just look at me and turn away
Because of you
I'm afraid
That my fears will never fade
And my tears
Are here to stay
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Comments
That's quite a collection of sadness and darkness. Are your feelings in a better place now?