Poem/lyrics

nick1977

I am not a writer and have never written any poetry or lyrics before, but my thoughts this morning led me to do so. It not be any good, but thought I would see what others thought. I am still working on it, but this is what I wrote down in about 10 or 15 minutes. Honest responses only please, if it sucks, I want to know it, if it is just ok, I want to know it, or if it is good I want to know it!


Through dust we enter, dust we leave . . .
Brevity . . . Brevity
Once born by water, die by flame . . .
Brevity . . . Brevity
Come so soon, so soon depart,
Next in line now plays my part
Brevity . . . Brevity

Awake my soul, my soul now sleeps . . .
Brevity . . . Brevity
Light hits my eye, now darkness looms . . .
Brevity . . . Brevity
Set foot on stage, now exit left,
Those I leave are now bereft
Brevity . . . Brevity

Your time will come, your time will go . . .
Brevity . . . Brevity
The shoes you fill will soon walk on . . .
Brevity . . . Brevity
Through dust you enter, now abide,
Through dust you pass to the other side
Brevity . . . Brevity.

myblood2

howdy

i like it alot. if this is your first ever you should be eccouarged to continue. shits on my first ever effort at writing

Cherokee Mist

would like to hear the music.

ISN

I like the way you repeat 'brevity'.....you could spice it up a bit....go the extra mile.....

nick1977

Thanks for the positive comments. I've not yet shared it with any close friends or relatives, as I am not confident in my abilities to write poetry (as I mentioned, this is my first attempt).

I have no music for it yet. Although, it may soon be in the works. I am thinking a minor key perhaps.

ISN: thanks for the comments. How do you suggest I 'spice it up a bit'? Being my first attempt, I am not sure how to go about doing this. I will keep tweaking it a little, but am afraid to mess with it too much. Any suggestions to point me in the right direction?

ISN

first of all....I really think it's brilliant....brevity brevity.....I think it's catchy.....

these are the lines I would add onto the end.....written in 2 minutes so not really sure.....

The universe has had its fill
Brevity . . . Brevity
The longer lived . . . the quicker killed
Brevity . . . Brevity
where is truth when lies take over
I wish love sank and saved and soldered
Brevity . . . Brevity
You ask a man for answers short
Brevity . . . Brevity
The answers are eternal
Infinity . . . Infinity

Love palpable is soaked in beauty
oh eternity
Love lived is cloaked in rainbow truth
oh eternity
I asked for life and got
eternity