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new song lyrics?

DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
edited May 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
lemme know what you think :)



Hush up, baby. Don’t say a bright-eyed word.
Your feeble admonitions will not ever be heard
For they are deaf and they’re mad and they’re thick at the seem
And the last thing they want to see is true
The last bitch they want to know is you

Let them spin up the fallacies
The pillows they’re in love with
Cuz they’re sleeping alone and have
forgotten how to dream
oh, They are deaf and they’re mad and they’re thick at the seem
And the last dream they wish to see is true
The last bitch they need to know is you

Keep your mouth shut, lover I have
Duct tape if you need, straight jackets
And bent face plates for you
Fashioned from the seeds that never grew
The last thing they wanna see is true
And the last bitch they have to know is you



thanks!
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Ms. HaikuMs. Haiku Posts: 7,265
    The writings you introduce as poetry are more powerful. It seems in the writing below you water it down so that it fits a certain length. For instance, "will not ever be heard" seems to string the reader along as opposed to "won't be heard" or "will not be heard." I think that you have many good images in there, and any extra syllables needed should be part of them.
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    hey, bib, and thanks for the reply :)
    this hasn't even gone to music, yet, so I'm certain all kinds of permutations are in its future

    there are a great many songs that can be read as poems, but most of 'em are too metered and too rhymed too hold water with the critics. my own skewish p.o.v., to be sure.

    and yeah, definitely... stringing the listener along... much different than trying to string a reader along. important to consider, I think.

    i haven't written a poem in months :)
    soon though... calliope's just getting warm, lol




    Rachel
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    i will add that this hasn't been looked at much beyond it's first blurish typing :)


    lol
  • oldermanolderman Posts: 1,765
    it seems there are many songs, when lyrics are put to paper, are very hard to imagine as songs.. for me, it is hard to imagine how some lyrics get put to music, and so it is with any song you read the lyrics but have no idea what the melody may sound like..

    even PJ's songs, if you never heard the lyrics, would be hard to imagine in a song... i ramble .. i think you have a good hook in

    "the last bitch they need to know is you"

    and keep on thinking free

    i wish i could hear the song.

    good luck ms PastaNazi.. my best to you, as always. :)
    Down the street you can hear her scream youre a disgrace
    As she slams the door in his drunken face
    And now he stands outside
    And all the neighbours start to gossip and drool
    He cries oh, girl you must be mad,
    What happened to the sweet love you and me had?
    Against the door he leans and starts a scene,
    And his tears fall and burn the garden green
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    i'll endeavor to do my best in the free thought department, mister olderman :)

    thanks for checking in :)


    Rachel
  • steppenwolfsteppenwolf Posts: 164
    reminds me too much of Floyd at the beginning.
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    hey y'all

    first off, olderman: when i put it to music and start playing it loud, perhaps, then? I do believe I'll get in the studio this year, so there may be something to distribute after a while. :)

    steppen? in what way? which song? i do have some floyd among my influences, and some of my stuff sounds a tad bit like something off animals or something...

    and indifferent one? thanks so much for trying to take it apart. it's pretty vague, I know ~ but it really is about me keeping my mouth shut. quite the task for me, personally. lol... eek!
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    ps


    i love floyd...

    did i mention that I love pink floyd?


    :D
  • asphaltasphalt Posts: 113
    love at its extreme brutalism (that it inflicts on the lover) can only be defined in terms of true hatred (for the one he loves)
  • pearljoypearljoy Posts: 47
    i really like it - powerful ----
    PearlJoy!!!!
  • Traver DiDiminicoTraver DiDiminico Posts: 185
    Boogie fucking woogie. These Lyrics are absofuckingpositilutely boogie woogie lyrics. Magnificent. I'm coincidentally listening to "Boogie with Stu" as I read your words and it's dead on. I think somebody responded by saying something about drawing the reader on or drawing out the lyrics but that's dead on with boogie woogie. I'm just saying, if you don't play, find somebody who does and sing it to the boogie woogie blues and I think you'll find some magic.

    Muito bem. Muito, muito bem.
    If there was a chair in which I could comprehend, I would stand always and embrace the path
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    oh, thanks so very much y'all :)

    traver... I play, so I'll get on it after a bit. thanks for the pump-up... it's truly appreciated
  • Traver DiDiminicoTraver DiDiminico Posts: 185
    PastaNazi wrote:
    oh, thanks so very much y'all :)

    traver... I play, so I'll get on it after a bit. thanks for the pump-up... it's truly appreciated

    I'm not kidding...boogie fucking woogie (just listen to " boogie with stu" on Physical Graphetti (sp?) and you'll see what I mean)

    Cheers
    If there was a chair in which I could comprehend, I would stand always and embrace the path
  • NothingbetterNothingbetter Posts: 570
    Not meant offensively, but they just don't strike me. Maybe they need music to accompany them, but the words themselves just don't grab me.
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