nice and slow now/circles and icicles

DopeBeastie

with the whisperest of willow boughs a brush
a push of cotton in the sunset light
this coming of the night wants you into heaven
into the bestest wishes my old flare and slow now

there was smoke making circles where we rose
icicles were growing where they touched
love glows there in their peaceful center
and I am hoping you make breaths nice and slow now

my heart may not surround you anymore
but everywhere lay so much hurt
that I am aching for your innocence
and I am hoping that you take it nice and slow now





with love,
rachel

DopeBeastie

With the whispered hush of willow boughs a brush against
your face, a push of cotton in the sunset light.
This coming of the night wants and wishes you to heavens.
The best intentions, my old flare and slow now.

There was smoke making circles where we rose into
the morning. Icicles were growing where they touched.
A warm glow happens in their peaceful center, now.
and I am hoping you are breathing nice and slow.

My heart does not surround you anymore,
but everywhere lay so much hurt
that I am aching for your innocence.
Yes, I hope you make it nice and slow now.







please offer me a critique if you have time

DopeBeastie

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_rhyme

does circles & icicles qualify?

FinsburyParkCarrots

A full rhyme is the repetition of the last vowel and all of the speech sounds following that vowel. So given that there's no r in icicles, it isn't quite a rhyme. It's a near-rhyme though. It'll do.

DopeBeastie

i suppose that makes circles and icicles a Half-Sight-Rhyme?

man, there's poetry in that, alone


half-sight-rhyme



cool.

walkerlastgen1

I like it the was the words naturally fall. I know it needs to be analyzed a bit to be sung or spoken but it is beautiful and interesting to read..

DopeBeastie

hey babydoll

i wont sing it, probably... unless someone comes and cuts me some cool beats to go with it... goddamn, i need a DJ

but i will read it
and am glad you did, too


thanks!


Rachel

walkerlastgen1

say he word and consider it done. Hip hop was my first love.

DopeBeastie

fer reels???

holla !#$%!

walkerlastgen1

wu tang for eva... My first two albums ever where License to Ill and Thriller or what ever micheal jackson record had beat it.. Then my dad intro'd me to black sabbath. These, and acapella church hymns are the foundations of my influences so to speak.

DopeBeastie

Lauryn Hill is the most impressive hiphop person on earth, and Michael Jackson's Living Off the Wall was my first music purchase, so...


fuckinnn....


cooliO Yo


I knew there was some ju ju here


can you scratch?

Pennyroyal Tea

that was nice, i liked it
how are you?

DopeBeastie

Thank you, miss L!

I'm doing really well. Life's a trip, but I'm working with a little balance now.

How's you? Seta told me some'n about you and I do hope all of that is coming along healthily?

walkerlastgen1

on myspace check out http://www.myspace.com/lyvekaos

EvilToasterElf

PastaNazi wrote:

With the whispered hush of willow boughs a brush against
your face, a push of cotton in the sunset light.
This coming of the night wants and wishes you to heavens.
The best intentions, my old flare and slow now.

There was smoke making circles where we rose into
the morning. Icicles were growing where they touched.
A warm glow happens in their peaceful center, now.
and I am hoping you are breathing nice and slow.

My heart does not surround you anymore,
but everywhere lay so much hurt
that I am aching for your innocence.
Yes, I hope you make it nice and slow now.

please offer me a critique if you have time

The willow boughs whisper a brush against your face,
a path of cotton along the sunset.
This coming night wants, and wishes, you to heaven.
The best intentions of my old flare, slow now.

The smoke circles as we rise, into the morning.
Icicles grow where we touched, a warm glow
grows in their peaceful center, now.
I hope you are breathing, nice and slow.

My heart's circles evade you, now
everywhere lay so much hurt, that I ache
for your inncocence.
Yes, I hope you make it, nice and slow now.

Just my take on it, pretty words missy.

EvilToasterElf

EvilToasterElf wrote:

The willow boughs whisper a brush against your face,
a path of cotton along the sunset.
This coming night wants, and wishes, you to heaven.
The best intentions of my old flare, slow now.

The smoke circles as we rise, into the morning.
Icicles grow where we touched, a warm glow
grows in their peaceful center, now.
I hope you are breathing, nice and slow.

My heart's circles evade you, now
everywhere lay so much hurt, that I ache
for your inncocence.
Yes, I hope you make it, nice and slow now.

Just my take on it, pretty words missy.

sorry, I just realized I used grow twice when I moved it around, I would say icicles thaw, or icicles appear, or something of that nature