red petals in the snow

DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
edited January 2006 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
You wrote poetry with silk like sinew,
steaming like fresh kill in snow
Red and dead and split wide open...

Rubber necking blood, I never saw the body of the truth.
I didn't know there was a dead moose anywhere.

The shock, the beautiful red.
Red rose petals, everywhere.
The smell, too sweet. To sickening, almost.
Mad, and all distracted in it.
So many senses. So little sense.

The poetry returned was all gray and blue
The colors I feel safe and loved in
Like summertime oceans, rains rolling in.
Somehow now a glacial steel. Armored
and defiant, spewing "fuck off" to the sunny sky

It might shine a little light on the situation,
...as it were. Ah, the counter-imposition,
a negative you, perhaps. Lying there all red
and dead and smoking in the snow ~
me dreaming on a beach, don't you know?

Forgive me sweet,
the visceral's an honest,
dying, stupid human being.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • oldermanolderman Posts: 1,765
    Ah, the counter-imposition,
    a negative you, perhaps. Lying there all red
    and dead and smoking in the snow ~

    i like this part the bestest. yes i do. :)
    Down the street you can hear her scream youre a disgrace
    As she slams the door in his drunken face
    And now he stands outside
    And all the neighbours start to gossip and drool
    He cries oh, girl you must be mad,
    What happened to the sweet love you and me had?
    Against the door he leans and starts a scene,
    And his tears fall and burn the garden green
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    you know how negatives are the opposite color of "reality"?
    like, the blue and the gray, the opposite of the red?
    i was trying to get that
    i think i missed it, though...

    what say you, older j?


    :)
  • oldermanolderman Posts: 1,765
    PastaNazi wrote:
    you know how negatives are the opposite color of "reality"?
    like, the blue and the gray, the opposite of the red?
    i was trying to get that
    i think i missed it, though...

    what say you, older j?


    :)

    i saw it there, the juxtapositions... just needs a once over, kinda like ms haiku working on her poem.

    i say hey nm r! :)
    Down the street you can hear her scream youre a disgrace
    As she slams the door in his drunken face
    And now he stands outside
    And all the neighbours start to gossip and drool
    He cries oh, girl you must be mad,
    What happened to the sweet love you and me had?
    Against the door he leans and starts a scene,
    And his tears fall and burn the garden green
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    hey HEY HEY


    well, this is just a once over from the rough, so. i have trouble editing, because i'm an elephant-head and i think they're all perfect as they stand
    (well, until i look at them again... then they all suck, so...)


    doesn't look like i'll be publishing by 40 :D

    c'est la vie!
    c'est la vie!
  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    That's your best one yet.
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    That's your best one yet.

    an' ere's me posting presents... i didn't even know you was on :D


    thank you, fins :):)
  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    I'm on. Feeling better and I got a 250GB pc today. Oh yes. :D
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    glad to hear it, fins :)

    superfine
  • BuruBuru Posts: 8,473
    Pasta, this is great!
    The words, the imagery.... it is a beauty of a poem.
    y la banda de Guille... cuando toca?
  • I agree with Mr. Carrots - this is the best offering I've seen from you I think, it has the same "visceral" quality, but it's much tighter, it bleeds well from line to line.
  • justamjustam Posts: 21,410
    This sort of reminds me of the movie Heroes where the story is told three times-- once with a red cast, once with a green one, and once with a white one. The scene of a sword fight with blowing red petals (or maybe they were petal shaped leaves?) you'd probably like. :)
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    ooh... sounds like something i'd REALLY like :)


    heroes, eh?

    is there lots of death in it? :D
  • I really like your poem.... the red is the basis of the poem? and the gray and blue is the poetry, born from the red? stronger from it? am I way off base....
    Salut baloo
  • JDE-PJJDE-PJ Posts: 721
    PastaNazi wrote:
    ooh... sounds like something i'd REALLY like :)


    heroes, eh?

    is there lots of death in it? :D

    Hero is the name, excellent film, and yeah some death in it.



    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0299977/


    Foreign film from China.


    very nice words Rach.
    I know someday you will have a beautiful Life


    Jason
  • justamjustam Posts: 21,410
    JDE-PJ wrote:
    Hero is the name, excellent film, and yeah some death in it.



    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0299977/


    Foreign film from China.


    very nice words Rach.

    Oh. I got the name wrong! Sorry.

    That's the one. I like the movie for the story as well as how it looks.
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • JDE-PJJDE-PJ Posts: 721
    justam wrote:
    Oh. I got the name wrong! Sorry.

    That's the one. I like the movie for the story as well as how it looks.


    That director is great at telling stories justam, check out his other films, they are all excellent.
    I know someday you will have a beautiful Life


    Jason
  • justamjustam Posts: 21,410
    JDE-PJ wrote:
    That director is great at telling stories justam, check out his other films, they are all excellent.

    Okay. I will. :)
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • Just gorgeous, PastaNazi!! :)

    ...Blue and Red and Gray and Blue and Red and Gray... ;)
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    thank you, jason... HUGE HUGS FOR YOU!!!

    I'll see if I can rent a good movie in the po-dunk town :D



    ((((jde))))




    morning, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)
  • Morning dear! :) Or shall I say good morning, dear, as it's always a good morning when I see a poetic PastaNazi offering in the Pit! :)
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • i wish i could branch out and write something with scenery - something natural rather than emotional. this is good stuff.
    I'll dig a tunnel
    from my window to yours
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