12/13/05

DopeBeastie

there's something in the sleepyness
that calls the pitch down in the dark
down to the park, the rich green grass
brown bottles in banana trees
(the underground beneath the please)
parading each scents' chemical
too brave the world too proud
too best the sordid
and his too fat lips
oh...

those ones i bit and bit me back
beneath moon whispers "feeling me?"
betwixt its bloody teeth deep down
breathe and sleep,
inhale aire's seeping lust
your bust is but false represent
too soon it dies, belies. it must.



foff
Racgek

FinsburyParkCarrots

I like the first stanza. The second one needs bringing out a bit, maybe to explore the wordplay a bit more.

DopeBeastie

i think i need to remove the "i"... the self reference always f's it all up, imo

i'll take a looksee a bit lata...

gata...


ciaocito


gratsi para la commentivo... mucha

trappedinmyradio

the first stanza, as mentioned, is good - i like it. the too's are a bit distracting. probably just my infantile mind. indeed - look a bit lata...

DopeBeastie

thanks



first edit:

there's something in the sleepyness
that calls the pitch down in the dark
down to the park, the rich green grass
(the underground beneath the please,
please me oh yeah)
parading each scents' chemical
too brave the world too proud
to best I rid the sordid
of their too fat lips
oh...

those ones I bit and bit me back
beneath insistent moons whispering "ask. ask. ask. receive."
betwixt its bloody teeth stuck deep
The hide in death outside and free
breathe and sleep,
Inhale the air's desparate lust.
your bust is but false represent
too soon it dies, belies. it must.