OK, here goes.....
?ing my education
Posts: 313
Hello all -
I am somewhat new here. Well let me just say, I haven't been to the board in a while. I am so glad there is this type of section on the board for poems, lyrics, etc.
I have read a lot of stuff posted here and man almost all of it is great stuff!
I just recently starting scribbling thoughts on to paper for my own amusement and so now I thought I would share some of my ramblings. I don't know why, I never do stuff like this but, OK, here goes.....
Seein' that girl walkin by
legs so long they reach the sky
he tries to speak but
nothing is said....
She rolls by with other thoughts in her head.....
And so it goes...All these thoughts and no one knows.
Tries to keep that positive outlook on life
it seems to be filled with grief and striff (sp?)
though no matter what he seems to try
he ends up hanging his head to cry.....
And so it goes....All these thoughts and no one knows.
His toes hanging over the side
it's about to be a quick and painless ride
"All of you look so small from up here,
what did I ever have to fear?"
he takes one more look and realized that is all it took.
And so it goes...All these thoughts and no one knows.
Well that's it. How bad was it? If you got this far, thanks for reading it!
Now back to work for me!
I am somewhat new here. Well let me just say, I haven't been to the board in a while. I am so glad there is this type of section on the board for poems, lyrics, etc.
I have read a lot of stuff posted here and man almost all of it is great stuff!
I just recently starting scribbling thoughts on to paper for my own amusement and so now I thought I would share some of my ramblings. I don't know why, I never do stuff like this but, OK, here goes.....
Seein' that girl walkin by
legs so long they reach the sky
he tries to speak but
nothing is said....
She rolls by with other thoughts in her head.....
And so it goes...All these thoughts and no one knows.
Tries to keep that positive outlook on life
it seems to be filled with grief and striff (sp?)
though no matter what he seems to try
he ends up hanging his head to cry.....
And so it goes....All these thoughts and no one knows.
His toes hanging over the side
it's about to be a quick and painless ride
"All of you look so small from up here,
what did I ever have to fear?"
he takes one more look and realized that is all it took.
And so it goes...All these thoughts and no one knows.
Well that's it. How bad was it? If you got this far, thanks for reading it!
Now back to work for me!
Driving in my car, smoking a cigar. The only time I'm happy is when I play my guitar.
-from "n.s.u." by Cream
-from "n.s.u." by Cream
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
Well thank you very much even flow?
Your post alone made it worth me posting it! Maybe when I get up a little more nerve, I will post something else.
Thanks again!
-from "n.s.u." by Cream
I will also say this:
Very nice debut!
I thoroughly enjoyed the theme and the repetition at the end of each stanza. Not only that, but the variation of themes from stanza to stanza... all frustrated and melancholy... but all different... yet all the same. I can easily see this being different people or the same people, and it works both ways.
Welcome to The Hut!
All suggestions, comments and nitpicking, hehe, welcome!
Believe me, I know I can use it to better my writing!
Thanks again!
-from "n.s.u." by Cream
ps,
Welcome to the 9th Circle of Hell.
Wow, that's like the 5th newbie this week. One more and we all get free toasters.
Thank you for the WARM welcome into the Circle of Hell.
Anything I can do to help everyone get a free toaster!! Woohooo!!!
-from "n.s.u." by Cream
Will EvilToasterElf be providing the prizes? Do I want evil elven toasters?
I guess your right. That song must have been hiding in my subconsience (sp?). Damn! I knew I would have a hard time trying to be original.
Honestly, I didn't even realize it was similar to that song until you pointed it out!
Sorry, I will try and post something that might not be considered a rip off next time........:-(
-from "n.s.u." by Cream
Sorry to sound accusatory.
No, no you didn't sound that way at all.
I was just hoping to be completely original but I guess that is kinda hard to do these days.
I am grateful for your kind replies and I should be the one apologizing. You did not sound accusatory at all.
Thanks Radar!
-from "n.s.u." by Cream
There are no original thoughts, anymore. Just thoughts the people haven't had in a while.
Or that haven't been combined in a certain way.
Eleven
Evil
Elven
ten times real fast.
ps, No, prob, ?ing my education
Damn, I need to find a way to abbreviate that:
?ing?
IME?
ing?
ed?
if you and even flow? stood side by side you'd be
even flow??ing my education
I want to stand between "I'mOnlyHappyWhenIt" and "s"
LMAO!!!!
-from "n.s.u." by Cream
it seems as though you took the easy way out. rhyming poetry is the least respected of poetry, and is commonly used by novice poets. many of your lines seemed to be forced, like the urgence for that rhyming. without the restrictions of rhyme, the possibilities of poetry are expanded and often times you'll find you can better express yourself without rhyme. just my two cents though..i get bitched at a lot for telling the truth, so i won't be surprised if you do the same.
i actually do sometimes find rhyme is quite nice
like head lice once gone
or a low lonesome song
that rights all the wrongs
and helps me get along?
these words sound like lyrics
if you listen you'll hear it
drink me a beer, sit
and write... hey now, that's it
this tune, or prose, whatever... is nice
i like the "and so it goes"
and i like the themes, somewhat elusive, somewhat not...
there's acceptance in these words
if it were mine, i'd twiddle with some of the more common rhymes... hear/fear said/head... i'd change some thats to these's or this's...
oh, and as far as being original?
these themes are what bind us humans...
i wouldn't worry about that at all
i'll send money for keebler cookies
Once, a woman I worked with was pregnant with a baby girl. She told me: "When my daughter turns 15, I'm going to warn her about you."
Am I a toaster elf?
Here's my two pence on rhyme, and I'm gonna do my best not to bitch out our radiohead fan. (Or Romeo and Juliette fan... or talk show host fan)
I agree w/ TSH to an extent when I say bending over backwards to pull off a straight ababcdcd rhyme scheme is a bit novice. It is kinda easy... you have explicit rules to follow, so your hand is being held.
At the same time, however, rhyme can be extremely useful, powerful, and fulfilling in a poem. Putting rhymes in the middle of lines, peppering throughout stanzas, or using slant rhyme (assonance, alliteration, or just words that sound similar but aren't literal rhymes) make a poem so much more engaging and accessible... while at the same time allotting you the freedom that a strict rhythm and rhyme scheme prevent.
In saying that, I think some of my absolute favorite stuff I've written involves both rhythm and rhyme... just not so strict. Still, some very profound and good poetry can be written within those confines and simply writing them off as novice because of the style is a little unfair.
I think I've just contradicted myself from a post I made a few weeks ago. Oh well, you'll have that.
Thank you for being brutally honest. That is what I am looking for. I just starting this whole writing thing. I have never really been into poetry per se, so I don't really think I was trying to write a poem.
What you say makes total sense though. I will use your opinion to hopefully make my writings better.
Thanks again for the honesty TSH.
-from "n.s.u." by Cream
Thank you very much Yellow! I like your rhyming reply!
My intent was more along the line of lyrics and not so much a poem. I took up playing the guitar about three years ago and just recently decided to try and start puting thoughts down on paper to hopefully, eventually form them into some kind of lyrics for a song.
That's far off though as you can tell!
Thanks again for your opinion! Greatly appreciated!
-from "n.s.u." by Cream
apparently, you are
oh, and i'm not a radiohead fan, per se...
a dearheart called me Yellow in a dream
and i totally agree with what you say about rhyme, and i think you captured, sans brutality, what talkshow was saying... it's the brutality that bothers this sometimes sensitive user... and thus i retaliate with smiles
I was talking about Talk Show Host.
Isn't Yellow a Coldplay song? Yes, it is. If it's Radiohead too... I haven't heard it.
Nosireebobby!
very true. it was a little shallow of me to say all rhyme was meant for the novice poet. but what you said made very good sense.
as for my user name, yeah, it's name after the radiohead song..which i guess appeared in romeo & juliet, right? i love radiohead.
awhoops! see? told you i weren't no coldheadradioplay fan
i do like that song, though... it's purty...
I am now listening to Talk Show Host in honor of you.
I am now listening to Yellow in honor of you.
Excuse my begging to differ but this is a contentious opinion. Rhyming poetry is by far the most "respected" of poetry. Chaucer's "The Canterbury Tales" rhymes; all 154 of Shakespeare's sonnets rhyme (and you'll find that the near-entirety of his play "Richard II" is in rhyming couplets). Keats, Tennyson, Yeats, Kavanagh, Larkin, Hughes, Walcott, Heaney...they use rhyme extensively. Rhyme is employed by the most renowned poets today...doggerel is the least respected form of poetry but rhyming poetry in general isn't.
Where I come from, free verse is perceived much as is free jazz...you get one visionary like Ornette Coleman who saves creative expressionism from the constraints of form, and then you get a lot of people following his lead, who use freedom as an excuse for being abstract as a means of excusing having little to say.
When a free verse poet has something to say, it is wonderful: when a free verse poet, for want of a better term, is truly a great and gifted poet the result is transcendent. There are very excellent exponents of free verse and, I feel, there are two very fine poets on this very board called Phishgod and cassia who demonstrate the realised potential of the art enviably, admirably and joyously.
But.... but.... there are also other "free" poets all over the world today (not necessarily on our board, though) who, in my opinion, write doggerel worse than that which rhymes and uses singsong tetrametrics. A lot of the skill of poetry is in being confident enough with the form AND being able to let one's exultant voice sing through it: this can be achieved whether through free verse or the most regimented of rhyme or metrical schemes.
I thought your lyric was good fun, Questionmarking my Edu.
Did you know that before the growth of print culture, there was a punctuation mark called a percontation mark? It was a back to front question mark, signifying that there could be myriad answers to the question. We only got rid of the mark because there were a lot of very drunk compositors in Elizabethan printshops who kept getting confused. But now, I think pc post-print culture should reintroduce it....we could start really percontating our education....:D