OK, here goes.....

?ing my education

Hello all -

I am somewhat new here. Well let me just say, I haven't been to the board in a while. I am so glad there is this type of section on the board for poems, lyrics, etc.

I have read a lot of stuff posted here and man almost all of it is great stuff!

I just recently starting scribbling thoughts on to paper for my own amusement and so now I thought I would share some of my ramblings. I don't know why, I never do stuff like this but, OK, here goes.....


Seein' that girl walkin by
legs so long they reach the sky
he tries to speak but
nothing is said....
She rolls by with other thoughts in her head.....
And so it goes...All these thoughts and no one knows.

Tries to keep that positive outlook on life
it seems to be filled with grief and striff (sp?)
though no matter what he seems to try
he ends up hanging his head to cry.....
And so it goes....All these thoughts and no one knows.

His toes hanging over the side
it's about to be a quick and painless ride
"All of you look so small from up here,
what did I ever have to fear?"
he takes one more look and realized that is all it took.
And so it goes...All these thoughts and no one knows.



Well that's it. How bad was it? If you got this far, thanks for reading it!

Now back to work for me!

even flow?

You keep posting I for one will keep reading.

?ing my education

Originally posted by even flow?
You keep posting I for one will keep reading.

Well thank you very much even flow?

Your post alone made it worth me posting it! Maybe when I get up a little more nerve, I will post something else.


Thanks again!

CranMalReign

While I tend to nitpick and may suggest sanding down a very few rough edges...

I will also say this:

Very nice debut!

I thoroughly enjoyed the theme and the repetition at the end of each stanza. Not only that, but the variation of themes from stanza to stanza... all frustrated and melancholy... but all different... yet all the same. I can easily see this being different people or the same people, and it works both ways.

Welcome to The Hut!

?ing my education

Thank you CranMalReign for your honesty.

All suggestions, comments and nitpicking, hehe, welcome!

Believe me, I know I can use it to better my writing!


Thanks again!

Radar(Baba)O'Riley

I'm definitely getting a "Deep" vibe from this.

ps,
Welcome to the 9th Circle of Hell.

Wow, that's like the 5th newbie this week. One more and we all get free toasters.

?ing my education

Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
I'm definitely getting a "Deep" vibe from this.

ps,
Welcome to the 9th Circle of Hell.

Wow, that's like the 5th newbie this week. One more and we all get free toasters.

Thank you for the WARM welcome into the Circle of Hell.

Anything I can do to help everyone get a free toaster!! Woohooo!!!

CranMalReign

Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
I'm definitely getting a "Deep" vibe from this.

ps,
Welcome to the 9th Circle of Hell.

Wow, that's like the 5th newbie this week. One more and we all get free toasters.

Will EvilToasterElf be providing the prizes? Do I want evil elven toasters?

?ing my education

Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
I'm definitely getting a "Deep" vibe from this.

ps,
Welcome to the 9th Circle of Hell.

Wow, that's like the 5th newbie this week. One more and we all get free toasters.

I guess your right. That song must have been hiding in my subconsience (sp?). Damn! I knew I would have a hard time trying to be original.

Honestly, I didn't even realize it was similar to that song until you pointed it out!

Sorry, I will try and post something that might not be considered a rip off next time........:-(

Radar(Baba)O'Riley

I don't consider it a rip off at all. I visualized a guy on a ledge and then BOOM, "on the edge.....windowsill.... ponders his maker..... ponders his will." And Eddie's not the first to put someone in that position, either. Sadly, someone will always be in that situation. The key question is how they got there.

Sorry to sound accusatory.

?ing my education

Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
I don't consider it a rip off at all. I visualized a guy on a ledge and then BOOM, "on the edge.....windowsill.... ponders his maker..... ponders his will." And Eddie's not the first to put someone in that position, either. Sadly, someone will always be in that situation. The key question is how they got there.

Sorry to sound accusatory.

No, no you didn't sound that way at all.

I was just hoping to be completely original but I guess that is kinda hard to do these days.

I am grateful for your kind replies and I should be the one apologizing. You did not sound accusatory at all.

Thanks Radar!

CranMalReign

Originally posted by ?ing my education
No, no you didn't sound that way at all.

I was just hoping to be completely original but I guess that is kinda hard to do these days.

I am grateful for your kind replies and I should be the one apologizing. You did not sound accusatory at all.

Thanks Radar!

There are no original thoughts, anymore. Just thoughts the people haven't had in a while.

Or that haven't been combined in a certain way.

Radar(Baba)O'Riley

Originally posted by CranMalReign
Will EvilToasterElf be providing the prizes? Do I want evil elven toasters?

Dare you to say

Eleven
Evil
Elven

ten times real fast.

ps, No, prob, ?ing my education
Damn, I need to find a way to abbreviate that:
?ing?
IME?
ing?
ed?

if you and even flow? stood side by side you'd be

even flow??ing my education

CranMalReign

Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
Dare you to say

Eleven
Evil
Elven

ten times real fast.

ps, No, prob, ?ing my education
Damn, I need to find a way to abbreviate that:
?ing?
IME?
ing?
ed?

if you and even flow? stood side by side you'd be

even flow??ing my education

I want to stand between "I'mOnlyHappyWhenIt" and "s"

?ing my education

Originally posted by Radar(Baba)O'Riley
Dare you to say

Eleven
Evil
Elven

ten times real fast.

ps, No, prob, ?ing my education
Damn, I need to find a way to abbreviate that:
?ing?
IME?
ing?
ed?

if you and even flow? stood side by side you'd be

even flow??ing my education

LMAO!!!!

Talk Show Host

brutal honesty is good in my opinion. so here it goes..

it seems as though you took the easy way out. rhyming poetry is the least respected of poetry, and is commonly used by novice poets. many of your lines seemed to be forced, like the urgence for that rhyming. without the restrictions of rhyme, the possibilities of poetry are expanded and often times you'll find you can better express yourself without rhyme. just my two cents though..i get bitched at a lot for telling the truth, so i won't be surprised if you do the same.

Yellow

i don't think that rhyme is a novice's vice
i actually do sometimes find rhyme is quite nice
like head lice once gone
or a low lonesome song
that rights all the wrongs
and helps me get along?

these words sound like lyrics
if you listen you'll hear it
drink me a beer, sit
and write... hey now, that's it

this tune, or prose, whatever... is nice
i like the "and so it goes"
and i like the themes, somewhat elusive, somewhat not...

there's acceptance in these words

if it were mine, i'd twiddle with some of the more common rhymes... hear/fear said/head... i'd change some thats to these's or this's...

oh, and as far as being original?
these themes are what bind us humans...
i wouldn't worry about that at all

EvilToasterElf

TOAStERS! TOASTERS FOR EVERYONE! BUT THEY'RE FILLED WITH ELVES - WATCH YOUR DAUGHTERS!!!

Yellow

evil... put mine in storage for a while, k?
i'll send money for keebler cookies

CranMalReign

Originally posted by EvilToasterElf
TOAStERS! TOASTERS FOR EVERYONE! BUT THEY'RE FILLED WITH ELVES - WATCH YOUR DAUGHTERS!!!

Once, a woman I worked with was pregnant with a baby girl. She told me: "When my daughter turns 15, I'm going to warn her about you."

Am I a toaster elf?

CranMalReign

Originally posted by Talk Show Host
brutal honesty is good in my opinion. so here it goes..

it seems as though you took the easy way out. rhyming poetry is the least respected of poetry, and is commonly used by novice poets. many of your lines seemed to be forced, like the urgence for that rhyming. without the restrictions of rhyme, the possibilities of poetry are expanded and often times you'll find you can better express yourself without rhyme. just my two cents though..i get bitched at a lot for telling the truth, so i won't be surprised if you do the same.

Here's my two pence on rhyme, and I'm gonna do my best not to bitch out our radiohead fan. (Or Romeo and Juliette fan... or talk show host fan)

I agree w/ TSH to an extent when I say bending over backwards to pull off a straight ababcdcd rhyme scheme is a bit novice. It is kinda easy... you have explicit rules to follow, so your hand is being held.

At the same time, however, rhyme can be extremely useful, powerful, and fulfilling in a poem. Putting rhymes in the middle of lines, peppering throughout stanzas, or using slant rhyme (assonance, alliteration, or just words that sound similar but aren't literal rhymes) make a poem so much more engaging and accessible... while at the same time allotting you the freedom that a strict rhythm and rhyme scheme prevent.

In saying that, I think some of my absolute favorite stuff I've written involves both rhythm and rhyme... just not so strict. Still, some very profound and good poetry can be written within those confines and simply writing them off as novice because of the style is a little unfair.

I think I've just contradicted myself from a post I made a few weeks ago. Oh well, you'll have that.