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Does this suck?

romybianromybian Posts: 1,644
edited February 2006 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
I've been inspired by Matias and decided to post something I wrote...
Just like him, I'm from Argentina, so my english is not that good, but, again, just like him, I find myself writting in english almost every day.
So.... does this suck?
would u help me spell things right?
:o

Lowdown

Hear the sound of a melancholic heart,
Crying for what lies inside
Surprisingly aware,
Honestly overwhelmed,
Flooded by loneliness,
Even in the most crowded place.

Former being became a stone
Living at a loss for words,
Hopeless, joyless...
Loveless soul.

She's lost all that made her unique,
Fed it to the beast that lives under her bed.
She could've done a lot,
She could've felt a lot... more.
But ancient fears took over her soul,
Murdered resevoir of love.

Former being became a stone
Living at a loss for words,
Hopeless, joyless...
Loveless soul.

What seemed essential,
Became unnecessary...

Walk,
There's more ahead, than what lies behind.
"The joke in your language won't come out the same" (Tom Petty)
I'm no dude! Dudette!
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Being EnlightenedBeing Enlightened Posts: 5,746
    It's so awesome to see folks from all over the world, on here, creating and sharing!!! :) YAY!!!!!! romybian, your poem is sad but it's good! :) I also like that it ends with the line "Walk, There's more ahead, than what lies behind."--("you gotta walk and don't look back".) :) The spelling seems to be perfect, as well. Great job! The only thing that I think might just sound better, is if you changed the word "melacholic" to "melancholy". It's not that it's wrong, I just think "melacholy heart" sounds better. :)
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • romybianromybian Posts: 1,644
    Being Enlightened wrote:
    It's so awesome to see folks from all over the world, on here, creating and sharing!!! :) YAY!!!!!! romybian, your poem is sad but it's good! :) I also like that it ends with the line "Walk, There's more ahead, than what lies behind."--("you gotta walk and don't look back".) :) The spelling seems to be perfect, as well. Great job! The only thing that I think might just sound better, is if you changed the word "melacholic" to "melancholy". It's not that it's wrong, I just think "melacholy heart" sounds better. :)
    Thanks! I'm shy when it comes to what I write, now I'll start posting more here... :o
    Thanks for your advice, I can't edit here, but Its already done on my notebook:p

    Thanks again!:)
    "The joke in your language won't come out the same" (Tom Petty)
    I'm no dude! Dudette!
  • Being EnlightenedBeing Enlightened Posts: 5,746
    romybian wrote:
    Thanks! I'm shy when it comes to what I write, now I'll start posting more here... :o
    Thanks for your advice, I can't edit here, but Its already done on my notebook:p

    Thanks again!:)

    So glad to hear you're shaking off your shyness! Please do post more! :)

    And you're welcome. :)
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • mad22mad22 Posts: 82
    hi romy! actually you inspired me first! The time we talk and you show me some of your words... they were wonderfull, you really seem to put all your heart into them. I was feeling so bad that night, and you got me thinking, may be to try to write my feelings down would help, and it really did, so thank you!!

    and keep posting what you have, it will encourge you keep writing, you are a lot better than you think you are.

    Thanks again, seeya.
    Egos are left at the door, elitism is non-existant and we are all joining together for a common goal: to raise funds and awareness while living the awesome life of a Pearl Jam Fan.

    http://www.wishlistfoundation.org/
  • romybianromybian Posts: 1,644
    mad22 wrote:
    hi romy! actually you inspired me first! The time we talk and you show me some of your words... they were wonderfull, you really seem to put all your heart into them. I was feeling so bad that night, and you got me thinking, may be to try to write my feelings down would help, and it really did, so thank you!!

    and keep posting what you have, it will encourge you keep writing, you are a lot better than you think you are.

    Thanks again, seeya.
    Thank YOU Mati!!!!
    You're a great person I'm glad I met u here, and you too, keep posting!
    "The joke in your language won't come out the same" (Tom Petty)
    I'm no dude! Dudette!
  • AliAli Posts: 2,621
    romybian wrote:
    I've been inspired by Matias and decided to post something I wrote...
    Just like him, I'm from Argentina, so my english is not that good, but, again, just like him, I find myself writting in english almost every day.
    So.... does this suck?
    would u help me spell things right?
    :o

    Lowdown

    Hear the sound of a melancholic heart,
    Crying for what lies inside
    Surprisingly aware,
    Honestly overwhelmed,
    Flooded by loneliness,
    Even in the most crowded place.

    Former being became a stone
    Living at a loss for words,
    Hopeless, joyless...
    Loveless soul.

    She's lost all that made her unique,
    Fed it to the beast that lives under her bed.
    She could've done a lot,
    She could've felt a lot... more.
    But ancient fears took over her soul,
    Murdered resevoir of love.

    Former being became a stone
    Living at a loss for words,
    Hopeless, joyless...
    Loveless soul.

    What seemed essential,
    Became unnecessary...

    Walk,
    There's more ahead, than what lies behind.
    Yeah...ITS GRATE!!!!!(Great)...

    Murdered resevoir of love just put you in the history books....:D
    A whisper and a thrill
    A whisper and a chill
    adv2005

    "Why do I bother?"
    The 11th Commandment.
    "Whatever"

    PETITION TO STOP THE BAN OF SMOKING IN BARS IN THE UNITED STATES....Anyone?
  • romybianromybian Posts: 1,644
    Ali wrote:
    Yeah...ITS GRATE!!!!!(Great)...

    Murdered resevoir of love just put you in the history books....:D
    Thanks Ali!
    Your Stuff is GRATE also!!!!
    :o
    "The joke in your language won't come out the same" (Tom Petty)
    I'm no dude! Dudette!
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