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Denial...

the old gardenthe old garden Posts: 4
edited April 2004 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
alone, cold; I watched her in my dream
as she danced with her soul
counting the days backwards
to get to the day I first let you go
images of you now blurred by time
hard to believe that now
even our children are getting old
they say time heals all wounds
but what about wounds created by time
how does one love a ghost,
moved by you, by just closing my eyes
long pauses of silence, a phone ring
I have to convince myself that its not you
Its your daugther again,
says I should join her for a walk
little does she know that
I just spent the last few hours
dancing with you....
Hard to imagine
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • EvilToasterElfEvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    I think this poem has incredible potential.

    First thing that should be done is get rid of the line time heals all wounds, we're going to figure that out or dispute it with the rest of your imagry.

    Then get rid of alone; cold - we don't need that, you're poem will tell us if your lonely, and there are a lot of ways to show us that your cold, the setting, your breath, a thermostat anything's better than just "cold" by itself

    Play around with this and keep reposting it, because as you tighten it you'll realize how clear it can be, and how piercing the directness will be and you'll love the poem as you craft it, that's the beauty of the art

    Good work, keep coming back
  • EvilToasterElfEvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    also be careful with the word soul, it's a loaded and overused word
  • the old gardenthe old garden Posts: 4
    Evil I appreciate your comments and have made some notes--however I do think you are missing the point of the poem and that perhaps is my fault--"Alone, cold"--refers to his wife--he is looking at her in his dream--since she is dead and he misses her he envisions her as cold (dead) and lonely and dancing with her soul because she cannot dance with him--he spends his days dreaming of being with her again--the poem is very rough and needs to be refined (this is the only draft, I spent 5 minutes wirting it), it was written about my great grandfather who outlived his wife of 68 years by 5 months...
    Hard to imagine
  • EvilToasterElfEvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    ah, ok but the as it is now with the lines danging at the beginning of the poem not attached to anything, alone cold could refer to either you or the wife, or him, the reader can't discern that
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