story/poem

darkrose

Made this one awhile back but I thought I'd share since a few people liked my 'Ode to my Father.' This story/poem may need a few adjustment's, I dunno. Some of you here seem like you know what you're doing. I'm new at this poetry stuff and it seems I can only get in the mood when I'm depressed.
I'll take all the help I can get.

These pasty walls become a lazy blue.
As the dawn sets upon that little town.
The woodstack smokes and burns.
Casting tints of a quaint amber flair.
A devine evening it was.
Quite a nice one to observe.
That is, if viewed from the outside world.
Inside, dark shadows remain all throughout the days.
Outside, this looks like an enchanted home.
Hatred is thriving from within.
As an evil temptress rests her stay.
A cottage made of sin instead of gingerbread men.
Village be damned, she's the keeper of the key.
But this night's been blessed, for she's been kissed.
And this man, he's given her a single stem.
Long and slender, sporting five layers of thorns.
Razor sharp, they slice at her fingers and palms.
As she carries it along, begining the long winded tradition.
Sacrifcing a cluster of petals with fingers a bloody scorn.
He loves her nots thrown atop the fire.
Each burgandy wilt, she steadily plucks away.
And the petals that are kept safe,
Are those that say he loves her, today.

Yellow

that's really good, darkrose... there are nice images, scornful things... pain... all that... conveyed well...

the: Hatred is thriving from within.... you mean, like, oozing out from within... or that it thrives within?


loved the "he loves her nots"... really sweet


and, i know what you mean about having to be "down" to write... start with that if that's what you have because you do really well with words...

hopefully soon other moods will get you writing, too...

i find any intense thing puts me to the keyboard or the pencil and then... i also find that reading good things now moves me to write, too, so...

thanks for putting this up...
it's nice
totally getting the hansel & gretel thing :):)

darkrose

glad you like it as is..but i think something's missing or just wrong about it.
I dunno. I just got into writing poetry about a year ago.

EvilToasterElf

If you're still in school and there's a poetry class take it, I didn't start writing until my last two months of high school when I took a creative writing class - three years later it's my major - keep em coming

CranMalReign

I agree with Yellow in regards to the "he loves her nots" line. That's good stuff. The opposite of it, the "he loves hers", needs a little work. That's rough. It could be polished up pretty nice to make quite a dichotomy.

And I, too, understand the whole "only writing when down" thing. You might notice that the majority of what I post on this board is a.) dealing with negative emotions and b.) not recent. One day over a year ago, I found happiness. An unfortunate side effect of that is I've lost my motivation for most writing. Once in a while I still get a nugget of inspiration. But they're so few and far between now. I understand.

Finally, I agree with you that this poem needs something. I think it has some really good potential... just some of your words and descriptions seem a tad forced (especially at the beginning). The flow isn't quite there. I wish I could give you some actual helpful suggestions, but I can't, because I'm a loser. But still cooler than setaside.

Being Enlightened

I'm not one for reworking others works, I only comment on what is given.

I felt the painted-smile-face sorrow of this one, very good!

"And the petals that are kept safe,
Are those that say he loves her, today."

I like how you didn't just end it after "her" but added the word "today"----Bang on!