Plans laid amongst green walls (a sonnet)
hailhailkc
Posts: 582
Ashen steel roams, forming bonds unbroken
Coarse house of red, granted yellow, bathe blue
Hope, acceptance, wishing voices spoken
Cries of tyranny, carried among true
Wave, cry, wave, cry, challenges attained
Arm in arm, scorched, screams red red
Spoken whispers arrive, carried in pain
Delicate flowers, granted truly dead
Plans laid amongst green walls
Fallen, saved, carried through black halls
Coarse house of red, granted yellow, bathe blue
Hope, acceptance, wishing voices spoken
Cries of tyranny, carried among true
Wave, cry, wave, cry, challenges attained
Arm in arm, scorched, screams red red
Spoken whispers arrive, carried in pain
Delicate flowers, granted truly dead
Plans laid amongst green walls
Fallen, saved, carried through black halls
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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
I like the rhyme scheme abab cdcd ee.
Suggestions? I'd add four lines after line eight though to make it a sonnet, lengthwise. You could maybe include more images of humanity shared in trauma.
Thanks for sharing this.
Me too, but I always guessed he had it in him
Thank you for the compliments and suggestions. I agree with you...definately good thoughts.
Good guess...but not quite. I normally don't like to give out the intended theme, but I will this time. It's the Iraq war. More to the point, the early stages of the war, when American tanks led the charge into Baghdad.
Ashen steel roams: When I wrote this line I was actually thinking of the amount firepower that many young men in the military who drive tanks had to endure during the early days of the war. Often times, they were rolling targets for the Iraqi's who threw everything they could at them. RPG's, rifle fire, suicide bombers, etc...I just finished a book regarding their plight in Iraq, so it's still fresh in my mind. More specifically, I was trying to envision what the tank would look like after having come out of a battle like that.
I envision it being black and sooty in certain areas, from taking many direct hits...almost "ashen" in color in those places from fire, explosions, etc...The "steel" aspect is obvious in regards to a tank, and then I thought of them as these "roaming beasts". Hence..."ashen steel roams"...
The "green walls, black halls" is this: Many people talk about Bush and his cronies profiting off this war, so I went ahead and incorporated those thoughts into this poem, even if I may not totally agree with it. "Green walls" was a metaphor for money. Plans laid for money...amongst money...to get money...in the midst of money...however you want to read into it. This stage of the poem really deals more with the beginning stages of the war. The Pentagon / White House laying down plans, the strategy, etc...
"Fallen, saved, carried through black halls": Once you know the theme, this is rather obvious. The dead are always brought home, or it can also mean that when one soldier is wounded another one helps him....but I really meant for it to imply death. The soldier dies (fallen), is saved in the only way now possible (brought home) and carried through black halls. Carried obviously meaning carried at a funeral...but...black halls is suppossed to be a look at death from the soldiers perspective. He sees only black halls, or nothingness, death, blackness...not the glory, spectacle and pomp and circumstance of a miltary funeral like the rest do. He sees only death.
The rest...is for you to ponder...;)
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Thank you...:) Honestly, I've always wanted to be a writer. I think I would have chosen that profession, but art is my first love.
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I also forgot to mention...I enjoy the challenges of a sonnet. You have to have a certain rhyme scheme, 10 syllables per line, the iambic pentameter, a problem has to be given and solved, etc...it's a real challenge. i'm not sure if i totally understand iambic pentameter yet, but i think sonnets are not suppossed to have a definitive iambic pentameter either. not sure.
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Those lips that Love's own hand did make
Breathed forth the sound that said 'I hate'
To me that languish'd for her sake;
But when she saw my woeful state,
Straight in her heart did mercy come,
Chiding that tongue that ever sweet
Was used in giving gentle doom,
And taught it thus anew to greet:
'I hate' she alter'd with an end,
That follow'd it as gentle day
Doth follow night, who like a fiend
From heaven to hell is flown away;
'I hate' from hate away she threw,
And saved my life, saying 'not you.'
________
Shakespeare's Sonnet 126, probably written in the 1590s, has twelve lines, whether by artistic design or scribe/printer/compositor's error:
O thou, my lovely boy, who in thy power
Dost hold Time's fickle glass, his sickle, hour;
Who hast by waning grown, and therein show'st
Thy lovers withering as thy sweet self grow'st;
If Nature, sovereign mistress over wrack,
As thou goest onwards, still will pluck thee back,
She keeps thee to this purpose, that her skill
May time disgrace and wretched minutes kill.
Yet fear her, O thou minion of her pleasure!
She may detain, but not still keep, her treasure:
Her audit, though delay'd, answer'd must be,
And her quietus is to render thee.
_______________
Also, sonnets don't have to be iambic (each foot being two syllables marked unstressed-STRESSED). The last line from Shakespeare's Sonnet 94, "Lilies/that fest/er smell/far worse/than weeds", should be iambic pentameter but it's not. It's actually tetrametric and it is scanned:
LILies/that FESTer/SMELL FAR WORSE/than WEEDS
(trochee)/amphibrach/molloscus/iamb
You can play with the form of the sonnet!
Cheers. Good work.
Also, lines in iambic pentameter can be eleven syllables long, ending in an unstressed syllable.
and "wishing voices spoken"
are both iambic
pentametre simply means there are five of them......
for/ming / bonds/un / bro/ken....
would be iambic tetrametre....because there are three.....
for is stressed....ming...unstressed....bonds....stressed....un....unstressed....bro...stressed.....ken.....unstressed......a lot of latin poetry used these forms.....
like two syllables.....first stressed....second unstressed.....forming a pair...and five pairs
I liked your sonnet.....(fins correct me if I'm wrong trying to explain iambic pentametres)
Well, tetrameters are four. Trimeters are three. But yes, you explain iambs fine.
ASHen /STEEL ROAMS,/ FORMing/ BONDS un/BROKen is pentametric. It comprises a trochee; spondee;trochee;trochee;trochee.
(silent unstressed) HOPE/ accEPT/ance, WISH/ing VOICE/s SPOK(en) is iambic pentametric.
Both lines have an unstressed (sometimes called "feminine") ending, and both make use of caesurae and silences to spring the rhythm. It's quite a skilled piece.
Thanks again for the help.
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No Love lost for Tigger and other KNITS,
Self chose to disguise the painful ankle
Langford steels and his grit will be sew strong,
Giddens will shoot amongst stars as teeth grit,
Christian's assists be strong hi-lo rankle
To Wayne, our man from our own state - Kansas.
Whose passion for the game spells swell defeat -
Teams in our bracket shall cry for relief -
Naught is there a place to hide from Flintsas,
The Oread mystique lies under our feet,
Pride in our team whose fortunes feel no grief.
Rock Chalk Jayhawk, KU - the chant is true,
Rock Chalk Jayhawk tis Crimson and the Blue!
As she slams the door in his drunken face
And now he stands outside
And all the neighbours start to gossip and drool
He cries oh, girl you must be mad,
What happened to the sweet love you and me had?
Against the door he leans and starts a scene,
And his tears fall and burn the garden green
Olderman, you never let me down!
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I love the use of the "colors"
Once again, I will have to read it a few times more
I look foward to hearing more my friend.