Poem As Diamonds

phishgod

Poem As Diamonds

I feel
10,000
stars
cupping
you as
diamonds
on the
bluff, a
nightwind
sparkling
golden
as
all
eternity
my
sutra.
Your
happiness
is
near
me
as
planes
flying
starbound,
kissing
silently
beneath
the palms.
Lights
dance
in La Playa,
diamonds flickering
off
the
bay,
so perfect
on
the
bench,
my
star.
Blue stars in nightsky
diamonds...
this day started with
peacock green
diamonds melting
peck-a-peck-a-peck
the garage door
of my heart.
A diamond,
born of
fire
volcanic
deep
veins
aquamarine
crystalline
and
travertine
lights--
geysers
for sale.
Diamond
soul
ma
fille,
ma petite
fille, m'amore.
Waiting softly
for the rose.
I await the diamonds soaring to the pearly sun, the moon ohso globular
guitars blazing
in a castanet
display
of
diamond-fire
brilliance
as if
Jimmi
sparkly
gloin' 'gin.
In the morning paper,
entertainment section
has headline:
diamonds TODAY.
Forever is off to a wonderful start.

--December 14, 2001
@pth

EvilToasterElf

It's amazing what one word can do, I don't think this is nearly as successful as your usual two word lines are, it's a little more jerky, I felt almost like a was falling down stairs while I was following it down the thread

Yellow

ok, well first let me say howdy and welcome... it's a really nice place to come read other ppl's stuff... and yours is most welcome... not that i think i'm all that to be welcoming someone, but welcome anyway

i was wondering if you want feedback on your writing or not?

well, here it is... please tell me to bug off if you want, k?

i love the images and the formatting of this piece... i've done some one-word-return things and they're fun, i think...

when i read this, it seems like some thoughts don't get finished... it's sometimes punctually-related, using commas after the first "thing", following with further description, and then ending it with a period...


like:

Your
happiness
is
near
me
as
planes
flying
starbound,
kissing
silently
beneath
the palms.

maybe it's the word "flying" or "kissing"

and i'm no english teacher, but it's like the presence of an active verb versus a static one that makes it feel like more should be said after "the palms"

see what i mean?

change flying to "fly" and take out the comma, or kissing to "kiss" (take out the comma) and the sentence is complete... and i assume you want a sentence because of the punctuation and capitalization...


there are a few other passages in this that are like that... work those and this baby will flow like wine from water when jesus is in town

phishgod

Thanks for the welcome Yellow, & for the read and the comments.

This little piece was actually part of a "duet"
generated for a now defunct online zine with Cassia,
and invited by our editor, so it is a little out of context perhaps. When the duet was all spun out we had something like nearly 200 pieces, from which our editor picked maybe 12-15 or so for a feature, so obviously some were better (Cassia's, of course) than other's (mine ), and I am not exactly sure I remember whether this one made it into the 'zine or not, but since I had used the "pearly sun" in it, I thought it was a little more topical for this forum than some of my others (lol) and let it rip.

Incidently, I appreciate & accept all comments and learn from all of them.

Other than modifying punctuation, correcting typos, syntax, factual errors and an occasional changed word or added line or two, I rarely ever revisit/or rewrite a poem. First thought best thought, as Ginsberg would have said, and all that is just part of my method. I will do minor edits, but in general it either works, or it doesn't, and if it doesn't, I will sometimes spin a completely new one or recycle/reuse the theme, or images, but it's just not my style to go back and do a lot of rewrites. I just try to get it down the way it comes, learn from the experience and move on.

Good point about the active vs static voice, though, and thanks for your comments.

P.

EvilToasterElf

Your style which is more free form tends to be less inclined to revision, but I can never personally leave anything alone for that long

phishgod

I do understand the editing thing ETF, which I do endlessly & compulsively in other types of my work (the technical stuff especially), but i mostly this stuff I do for fun and my own sanity, amidst the technological nightmare, so I'll let the editors handle the revisions if/when I ever start seriously worrying about the publish or perish blues and the critics.

In the meantime, I spin 'em, read & perform them, post them, learn from them, and don't get me wrong, the reviews ARE extremely important to the learning part, but I just have too many notebooks and steno pads to go back and too many more yet to write....:), besides I've got enough publication credits for other stuff (just had another abstract accepted on Monday, so now I have to crank out a paper by 2/16 and a free trip to Disneyland in April to present it, ha!) so I am not worrying too much about the business side of my pojo yet, just building my portfolio, learning and bidding my time.
Thanks for the read and your comments.
P.

Yellow

i could tell you and cassia had written together before... the comfort zone between you two is great... you're like lovers :):)

EvilToasterElf

Heh, if it's technical did you write an abstract for something in Epcot? My uncle used to run the technology side of things for the booths and presentations there

phishgod

Ah yes, Yellow-- you could say Cassia and I have a certain comfort
with one another. Yeah, we met on a board posting our pojo (something like this) and now gonna get that little ringie thingy going on about something like a little over two years later, and she actually drove all the way from sunny southern Cali to Michigan (current temp: 7 degrees) for this, so I do think it is serious.....

& ETF--- the techy paper I just got accepted is for a national professional association's conference at a 4 star hotel just outside of Disneyland in sunny southern Cal the end of March, & it is about "Smart Growth", not Epcot. So okay, I get a free trip to Disneyland & C & I are absolutely planning on going to see your uncle's work for sure--she just loves the Pirates of the Caribbean ride!!!

thanks for your comments....

Yellow

smart growth?

gotta brief?