Lost Brother
seekit
Posts: 73
Any input on this - I would appreciate......(really)
Lost Brother
The steps of a troubled man walk toward me; the soles of his shoes echo hopelessness
His eyes pass mine I smile with carelessness for his fortification of light
The open sound of a dark soul wanting for love, wishing for rest I hear as it walks past
A troubled creation of dysfunctional upbringing slips from love and hate delivered into denial by his-own expectations –
not destiny, not fate!
Preserving tears crawl up into his throat begging for release, a cruel misery at the hand of self-orchestration
Lost brother with your freedom you fight, you select perceptions with tainted eyes -
A young life destroyed by an eager yet sickly
self-imposed demise -
Say it and so it shall be; choices in life define prophecy.
Lost Brother
The steps of a troubled man walk toward me; the soles of his shoes echo hopelessness
His eyes pass mine I smile with carelessness for his fortification of light
The open sound of a dark soul wanting for love, wishing for rest I hear as it walks past
A troubled creation of dysfunctional upbringing slips from love and hate delivered into denial by his-own expectations –
not destiny, not fate!
Preserving tears crawl up into his throat begging for release, a cruel misery at the hand of self-orchestration
Lost brother with your freedom you fight, you select perceptions with tainted eyes -
A young life destroyed by an eager yet sickly
self-imposed demise -
Say it and so it shall be; choices in life define prophecy.
Seek It
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
Poetry can be most evocative when it shows its point through images rather than explains its point. Now, your poem has a lot of images here: you capture the sounds of shoes echoing feelings of hopelessness. Somehow, I feel that just the auditory image of shoes echoing, on its own, suggests a sense of internal hollowness and desperation: you could change the phrase "echo hopelessness" to "echo, echo", and by repeating the emphasis on the image, you create a feeling of dwindling away and sadness.
The line "A troubled creation of dysfunctional upbringing..." is very long. You could break it up to make it more manageable on the eye and tongue. Is there a metaphor or image you can think of that might suggest "A troubled creation" or a "dysfunctional upbringing"?
Otherwise it works excellently and I was impressed with the poem's sensitivity and empathy and its ability to maintain a deeply reflective mood through its slow pace and its sombre tone (which towards the end had the repose and melancholy of true poetry).
this is FRIGGIN awesome...
i loved every part of it except the word "fortification"...
it just didn't see mto fit...
other than that its great.
Between the emotion and the response
Falls the shadow.
I will do some work on this! thanks much.
i can definitely hear music
I think this piece has some pretty cool potential, and gets about 85-90% there. I like the theme. The telling needs a little work.
I'll start with Sir Carrot's "echo echo" suggestion. Blend his suggestion into your poem. Do not replace it, because I'm thinking damn, I really like that "echo hopelessness" line. I'm thinking:
...echo hopelessness...
echo... echo...
Or... instead of repeating "echo"... play around with something like "lessness... sness... ss" or something. That's pro'ly too cheezy, but it was fun in my mind. Maybe in another poem another day.
It's also a little wordy in general. Lotta syllables. Looks like you're trying to stick some important words in there... but don't worry about big words so much as good words. Will make for an easier read and a less self-important feel.
Finally... it looks like you slip into a mini rhyme scheme at the end there. eyes/demise and it shall be/prophecy. Was this your intent? Just wondering, because it deviates from the rhymeless rest of the poem. No biggie, just something I noticed.
There ya have it! My objective opinion. Yellow says "I'm Open", but I, for some reason, get the distinct feeling of "Off He Goes". Tweak it up a little and fabulousness will be had!
I have spoken.