Last Stand

EvilToasterElf

A middle aged man walks down a flourescent street in Amsterdam
High on hash, and purple haze weed
He stops at the door of a leggy blonde
pacing her sexual cell
the tag on the door says thirty euros
A whore twice the price of cab fair
back to the hotel
He opens the door and places the money
on a small table next to the bed
(It is small irony that the table costs less
than the whore)
He throws her down and exacts revenge
on his dead mother
A small, bald man comes in after,
he takes twenty euros mechanically
off the table and leaves in silence

When the customer reaches his hotel and smokes
his last cigarette he pays 28 dollars to connect
to his father in Cleveland
6 months before the cancer ate
the remaining half of his liver
A disease he was convinced passed through
the cells of his mother, who had lost
her last stand to liver cancer fifteen years
before.

FinsburyParkCarrots

The only thing I would suggest is removing the words "It is small irony that", because the irony is implicit already in the words "the table costs less than the whore". People will look at the line then, puzzle about it, and they'll be made to see its ironic import. Make your reader work a bit! Otherwise it's top notch and Tom Waits would be extremely jealous of your writing skill here, as am I!

EvilToasterElf

Thanks Fins, I was wondering about that line myself, the reason for the brackets is to be a sort of breach in the verse by the author, and I'm usually the first one to say show don't tell, I was just taking a different approach with that line, but it would be impossible to really differentiate it until the rest of the poem is punctuated, thanks for the read.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Yes, the trick is either finding a level of narrative distance and sticking to it, or finding different levels of distance and knowing when and how to negotiate them successfully. Most of the poem uses a neutral tone of reportage and there are relatively few evaluative-adjectival constructions to identify the presence of an obtrusive narrative voice, so the phrase "it is small irony that", introduced in parentheses, does suddenly point to the narrator's own opinions about what is being observed and actually undercuts the effect of omniscient narration in the rest of the piece. Many writers sweat over finding in their works a third-person narrative voice that either maintains a cohesive level of narrative distance from or nearness to their subject or characters, or competently switches in between these levels at different stage in a narrative discourse.

Your work is always fun to read and think about. It's alive. Thank you.

anOmis

i love it as it is.
my broken english dont allow me to give any writting tips
this poem -story-
was dark


personally i love Evil's style
he is a poetic lizzard
see him changing....

EvilToasterElf

As usual I can be nothing but humbled by your comments, thank you Anomis

Since school ended I've been finding it harder to get anything going, so it's good that the drips and drabs are still coelescing into definate characters and poems

EvilToasterElf

Why is it that I am always the one to end a thread?

anOmis

*LMFAO*
no.. u are not
i am
am a topic killer!

EvilToasterElf

We should make our own club

FinsburyParkCarrots

It's because your words have the import of authority and can't be topped. Or something like that.

EvilToasterElf

I'm three inches high and I steal peoples toast, how authoritative can I be?

FinsburyParkCarrots

Originally posted by EvilToasterElf
I'm three inches high and I steal peoples toast, how authoritative can I be?

According to WB Yeats, you fellows rule the kitchens of rural Ireland ...

EvilToasterElf

That's my wife

FinsburyParkCarrots

:D:D