Night Vision

EvilToasterElfEvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
edited January 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
First one I've written in a while, not quite done yet, any feedback is welcome

Night Vision

I find comfort in cities
when I see them as clusters
of orange lights in the dark horizon
nestled between hills that look
like spaces cut out of the Earth

When the only objects that exist
scuttle out of the headlights
and vanish into the fog
Solitude so rarely finds a man
as when he’s driving quietly
through the darkness

The moon is rendered a softer
presence as the lids of clouds close
and the stars cluster into their
formations like the beads of
moisture condensing into
rivulets of rain
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • anOmisanOmis Posts: 223
    if i missed something on this boards is evil's magic words..
    keep tripping us....
    ~~dont mind yer make up, just make up yer mind~~

    ~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~

    F.ZAPPA
  • ISNISN Posts: 1,700
    The moon is rendered a softer presence

    that sentence magically makes the moon softer.....it's such a soft statement....and smooth....the moon is scary....but you've made it kind of safe....
    ....they're asking me to prove why I should be allowed to stay with my baby in Australia, because I'm mentally ill......and they think I should leave......
  • What a fantastic poem Night vision is. The imagery is vivid and the language is tight and measured, it reminds me of Mr Cameron's fantasic song writing. It made me reflect on Edward Hopper paintings, for the poem seems to speak to me of isolation, of lonliness in an urban planet surrounded by people. I wouldn't change a thing about it, but maybe some careful punctuation could accentuate the really crucial clauses.This is brilliant, I'm tres impressed.
    Peace and love
  • Ah, so refreshing to find the responses number more than 0, thankyou all for the kind words. Penworthy you are correct, I usually don't bother using punctuation at all until I've run through the poem a couple times, but it will certainly hlep the rythm.
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