Lady Luck

EvilToasterElf
EvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
edited May 2005 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Lady Luck

I saw him stretched out
under the white sheets
The final blank page
of his unwritten biography

A novel of 12 hour days
blasted by furnaces
sealed into his family
by soot and bourbon

His body the final smelter
of blood and cancer
Gambling debts mixed
with his children’s tuitions

He stares through all of us
an old gambler
shuffling through
his crusty trumps of memory

His full house
of ex-wives and children
emptied his pockets
and filled his eyes

Those eyes that bluff
about late, sweaty nights
The off suit hands
and the affairs of chance
that rule a man’s freedom

The pale king of diamond
pawn shops,
still has his poker eyes,
and one look is enough
to know a man who can
bluff through scripture
and sin and take his
place at the final table
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • EvilToasterElf
    EvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    So what would you guys critique about this particular poem, I'm curious since nobody's commented - I personally would rather have critique than praise anyway - anything
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    His body the final smelter
    of blood and cancer
    Gambling debts mixed
    with his children’s tuitions

    I think structurally "blood" is equivalent to "children's tuitions" and "cancer" is equivalent to "Gambling debts", so you should invert the noun order in the second two lines.
  • EvilToasterElf
    EvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:
    His body the final smelter
    of blood and cancer
    Gambling debts mixed
    with his children’s tuitions

    I think structurally "blood" is equivalent to "children's tuitions" and "cancer" is equivalent to "Gambling debts", so you should invert the noun order in the second two lines.

    hmm, I wasn't even thinking of the parelell structure there, thanks fins

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