4th Poem from Japan - veeeery bloated, please help me hack off some of the extra limb

EvilToasterElfEvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
edited November 2006 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
This poem attempts in its way to document my trip to Hiroshima on the anniversary of the first atomic bomb used in war.



Flickering

The park was overflowing, the masses
lent all their colors to the grey piers.
All around us were the preparations
for memory. I hold one of the endless
paper chains of origami cranes, woven
with a Japanese attention to detail.

For weeks school children had crafted
paper boxes to hold the candles around the
last remaining building of old Hiroshima.
Grandparents and grandchildren, mothers
and fathers, tourists and travelers, had labored
at tables in the park, to decorate the lanterns
that would float downriver, like the words
of a song just beyond memory. The music

though, forever lingers in those dark places
that words cannot enter. They are filled
instead by thousands of small Japanese flags,
peace signs, calligraphy names, and badly drawn
families holding hands. Occasionally, I spot
a Canadian flag, or messages in proper English;
but it seems shame can follow us
from the years long before we knew shame.

There are no American flags here, anywhere.

Poles of varying lengths are brought out,
and planted in the shrubbery surrounding
the last crumbling symbol of shock and awe.
One building that remained after the bomb
was left alone, a black fence was erected,
and when stones drop from the façade,
they are not replaced. The sun comes through

the space where walls should be. The air
around me chimes with the robotic clicks
of digital cameras. As the sun descends,
The Motoyasu River is bisected
by a string of skiffs, loaded with paper lanterns.
The riverbanks fill with flesh, preparing
for nightfall. None of the foreigners
know what to expect. Japan is the perfect

country to come to terms with collective guilt,
the obvious accusations are never hurled
at strangers, though vengeance has a way
of transcending culpability. Here I stand
five feet from the first ground zero,
and five years from the last. The candles

slowly consume a small portion of the night.
Where the day was jubilant, the night
is surreal and silent. The masses of people
blur in the candle light as they pass. Colors
only exist near the tiny flames, the living
have traded their space for the memory
of the dead. Shadows and ghosts play

on the sidewalks, while the candles scream
their light through the thin, colored screens
floating downriver. Thousands were consumed
here in a ball of flame, and now thousands live
on through those fleeting children of infernos.
Did Prometheus make his eternal sacrifice
in the name of irony?

The lanterns emerge from the banks,
and from the river itself. Though scattered
at first, they are all joined by the current,
one fiercely glowing tapeworm of regret,
squirming out of sight. A few of these lights
never make it to the current though, some
toss in the wind, fade to black, and sink.

What happens to the world, when its symbols
die? One lantern among thousands, one digit
in a statistic, one overturned grave, among
a mountain of granite. How much of ourselves
is floating down this river? This train of lights
shimmers like an oil slick rainbow

in a parking lot puddle. It is an unexpected
moment of clarity. I walk to a nearby bridge,
and the dead swim beneath me, and appear
on the other side. Already, the lanterns dim.
No longer held by children, or released
into the water by widowed grandmothers
barely able to walk, these candles lose

their power. The dirt shoveled over
our loved ones fades into a rhythm
when we can no longer hear the hollow
thuds of the earth hitting the casket.
There is something powerful at work
on August 6, in Hiroshima. For some

the dead return, like a familiar story
in a lost corner of the family quilt.
Pictures swim back into the present,
after they fall from the dusty shelves.
For me though, there is the dull throbbing
like a muscle falling asleep. When I move

back to the broken building, one of the candles
has lit its paper prison. When I lean in I see
a peace sign slowly disappearing in the curled,
black radius of the fire before I blow it out.
Some of us will leave our footprints
in the apocalypse, as others watch their candles
float silently downstream, distantly aware

that somewhere in the procession of flames
is their own prayer. Even if they don’t know it,
someone they love, as someone I love,
seethes in blue, or green, or red, on the water,
and moves away, carrying a tiny, bright piece
of us with them. Hiroshima is a struggle,

a daily battle against the idea that time heals.
Time is measured here by how much has been erased,
by how much of the past will never return,
ao they build a paper fortress against the erosion
of memory, and watch it burn, year after year,

like those blue beams piercing the sky,
from the footprints of the world trade center,
like the names of the fallen, the faces
of the forgotten, and the words of wisdom
the dead offer in their silence, in the melody
of a thousand candles, hissing, as they tumble,
one by one into the dark sea.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • bump for genocide
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    hey love,
    This poem attempts in its way to document my trip to Hiroshima on the anniversary of the first atomic bomb used in war.



    Flickering

    The park was overflowing, the masses
    lent all their colors to the grey piers.
    All around us were the preparations
    for memory. I hold one of the endless
    paper chains of origami cranes, woven
    with a Japanese attention to detail.

    For weeks school children had crafted
    paper boxes to hold the candles around the
    last remaining building of old Hiroshima.
    Grandparents and grandchildren, mothers
    and fathers, tourists and travelers, had labored
    at tables in the park, to decorate the lanterns
    that would float downriver, like the words
    of a song just beyond memory. The music

    though, forever lingers in those dark places
    that words cannot enter. They are filled
    instead by thousands of small Japanese flags,
    peace signs, calligraphy names, and badly drawn
    families holding hands. Occasionally, I spot
    a Canadian flag, or messages in proper English;
    but it seems shame can follow us
    from the years long before we knew shame.

    There are no American flags here, anywhere.

    Poles of varying lengths are brought out,
    and planted in the shrubbery surrounding
    the last crumbling symbol of shock and awe.
    One building that remained after the bomb
    was left alone, a black fence was erected,
    and when stones drop from the façade,
    they are not replaced. The sun comes through

    the space where walls should be. The air
    around me chimes with the robotic clicks
    of digital cameras. As the sun descends,
    The Motoyasu River is bisected
    by a string of skiffs, loaded with paper lanterns.
    The riverbanks fill with flesh, preparing
    for nightfall. None of the foreigners
    know what to expect. Japan is the perfect

    country to come to terms with collective guilt,
    the obvious accusations are never hurled
    at strangers, though vengeance has a way
    of transcending culpability. Here I stand
    five feet from the first ground zero,
    and five years from the last.

    I read the above like prose or journalism, even... I don't know what to say about that, or how to fix it, or if you should cut it or re-write it. It's well written, to be sure, but to me... it's not "poetry"


    The candles

    slowly consume a small portion of the night.
    Where the day was jubilant, the night
    is surreal and silent. The masses of people
    blur in the candle light as they pass. Colors
    only exist near the tiny flames, the living
    have traded their space for the memory
    of the dead. Shadows and ghosts play

    on the sidewalks, while the candles scream candle's screaming is a hard metaphor for me to swallow. i was in a candlelight procession at Disney World, once, and at the end, the floodlights screamed so loud i almost passed out... but it's too rough, here
    their light through the thin, colored screens
    floating down river. Thousands were consumed
    here in a ball of flame, and now thousands live
    on through those fleeting children of infernos.
    Did Prometheus make his eternal sacrifice
    in the name of irony?

    The lanterns emerge from the banks,
    and from the river itself. Though scattered
    at first, they are all joined by the current,
    one fiercely glowing tapeworm of regret,
    squirming out of sight. A few of these lights
    never make it to the current though, some
    toss in the wind, fade to black, and sink.

    What happens to the world, when its symbols
    die? One lantern among thousands, one digit
    in a statistic, one overturned grave, among
    a mountain of granite. How much of ourselves
    is floating down this river? This train of lights
    shimmers like an oil slick rainbow ;) your trademark ;)

    in a parking lot puddle. It is an unexpected
    moment of clarity. I walk to a nearby bridge,
    and the dead swim beneath me, and appear
    on the other side. Already, the lanterns dim.
    No longer held by children, or released
    into the water by widowed grandmothers
    barely able to walk, these candles lose

    their power. The dirt shoveled over
    our loved ones fades into a rhythm
    when we can no longer hear the hollow
    thuds of the earth hitting the casket.
    There is something powerful at work
    on August 6, in Hiroshima. For some

    the dead return, like a familiar story
    in a lost corner of the family quilt.
    Pictures swim back into the present,
    after they fall from the dusty shelves.
    For me though, there is the dull throbbing
    like a muscle falling asleep. When I move

    back to the broken building, one of the candles
    has lit its paper prison. When I lean in I see
    a peace sign slowly disappearing in the curled,
    black radius of the fire before I blow it out.
    this part goes back into prose, not sure this observation is necessary. it doesn't compliment the depth of the rest of the piece
    Some of us will leave our footprints
    in the apocalypse, as others watch their candles
    float silently downstream, distantly aware

    that somewhere in the procession of flames
    is their own prayer. Even if they don’t know it,
    someone they love, as someone I love,
    seethes in blue, or green, or red, on the water,
    and moves away, carrying a tiny, bright piece
    of us with them. nnnnnnnnice stuff... my favorite part. touches the soul. just one little logistical blip with the carrying away of "us", as opposed to the "they" and the "I"... perhaps "a bright piece of us all with them"??? Hiroshima is a struggle,

    a daily battle against the idea that time heals.
    Time is measured here by how much has been erased,
    by how much of the past will never return,
    ao they build a paper fortress against the erosion
    of memory, and watch it burn, year after year,

    like those blue beams piercing the sky,
    from the footprints of the world trade center, not sure why you are tying in the WTC, here ~ except that that tragedy also lay close to your heart. to me, it takes away from the tragedy at Hiroshima. I think they should stand alone when going into this much depth at just one location.
    like the names of the fallen, the faces
    of the forgotten, and the words of wisdom
    the dead offer in their silence, in the melody
    of a thousand candles, hissing, as they tumble,
    one by one into the dark sea.



    beautiful writing, evil...

    thanks very much for letting us share

    Rachel
  • Rachel you're a darling, I knew I could count on you. Thanks much. This piece was cathartic for me in a lot of ways, there is a lot of journalism in there, I don't think it's a bad thing, but it needs to be condensed.

    Also, I have been trying to find a record store around here, the one I found closed down a week after I discovered it.
  • FinsburyParkCarrotsFinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    Limit the number of definite articles; try to get the balance right between past and present tenses. Given that you say,

    Time is measured here by how much has been erased,
    by how much of the past will never return,
    ao they build a paper fortress against the erosion
    of memory, and watch it burn, year after year


    Maybe you could create a simultaneity between the past and the present, to show how "present" the spectre of Hiroshima is, still. That doesn't mean that you have to write in the present tense when alluding to the past. That would perhaps be too arty, and would cheapen the point. Perhaps what I mean is, cut out the passages that "tell" and keep the images that "show" the continuing aftermath of August 6th, 1945. That way the mind will form associations between images of the atomic holocaust, and today.

    As for the journalistic approach to poetry, you're in good company. Read Louis MacNeice's "Autumn Journal".
  • DopeBeastieDopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    you're welcome, sweets.

    oh, and btw... you don't have to go record shopping for me. the logistics are too much for my decaf-life, anymore. but i do appreciate the effort :D


    muchas gracias!
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