Afternoon pastime
FinsburyParkCarrots
Posts: 12,223
SCENE: A park bench in a city district in the North East of England. This bench has two occupants: Tam and Nelly. Tam's about five five: he's bony legged. Sandy flyaway hair. He's got brown cords and a grey terylene shirt on. The collars are jumbos. Seventies jobs. He wears heavy rimmed old style National Health glasses. That's right, a domestic reference. National Health. He keeps one spectacle wing attached to the frame with sellotape, but the tape's coming loose and he's always having to lift up his bony hand from his knee to pinch the tape tighter, to keep the glasses balanced on his nose. Nelly's much shorter. Cuts her own white hair. It's very skinned in places, has tails in others. She wears a Rupert the Bear sweater. She has black jeans and flip flops. he's fifty-three, she fifty-nine. In front of them, as they stare into space - each munching on a limp cheese sandwich - two boys, about fourteen, are beating each other with long wooden boards protruding from which are nine inch nails. Both lads are laughing as one swings and misses the other.
NELLY: A String of Pearls, that's what it was. A la da dee da la....
(pause)
TAM: And I said to the sergeant, the bus wasn't going to stop for me. I'm on disability. If I hadn't have rapped out with the stick it would have gone straight past.
NELLY: What?
TAM: The bus! Not another one for two hours. I would have had to walk all way to Brockley Whins with me bad you-know-what. (Pause) Look at them fokkin' kids. He'll have the other one's eye out in a minute. (Shouts at the boys.) Oi! Ya little bastards. I'll tell ye mams, the pair o yees. Shouldn't you be in school anyroad? Don't yoww tell ME ta fokk off, or I'll come over and wallop you one, straight across the 'ead.
(pause)
So, they said, Mr Carr, we're arresting you for criminal damage and being drunk and disorderly. They'd taken fokkin' samples in that cop shop and the devil knows what, and I said have yow not heard of harrassment, 'cos you're harrassin' me...
NELLY: Or was it In The Mood? A la da dee da la... (pause) I'm cold.
TAM: You're always cold.
NELLY: Don't know why we always come here, day after day. Let's go back.
TAM: We cannant go back! Remember? Big George with the pitbull? What you said about his missus, even if it was true and half the estate knows it too? And what ya did? Knockin' the windows through in the flat? And yow knowin' he's a friggin' psychopath?
NELLY: Like you did in the bus? You could've got jail for that!
TAM: But I didn't. They were in the wrong. I was a man with a disability. They should have stopped.
NELLY: You cut that woman with that glass. She was sitting just inside. She was pregnant too. You should have got time for that. I've got time. Fokkin' time being with you. Who'd have thought. Thirty years.
TAM: Rhapsody in Blue.
NELLY: That was it. (Smiles.) A la da da a la da da a la dee dee...
TAM: No, it's a la da da a la de de a la da da...
NELLY: No, it fokkin' ain't!!!! It's a la la da da da la la a de de de...Oi! Yow two little bastards. Stop laughin' at us and get back to knockin' shite out of each other or I'll tell your mams...Don't you dare use that sort of language to a woman, yow foul mouthed little fokkers!!!!
TAM: Yow tell 'em Nell! haw haw!!! I love comin' here!
NELLY: So do I. Another sandwich, love?
TAM: Yes please. Don't drop it on the floor like the last one. I could swear I tasted doghairs off of it....
NELLY: Get your own bleedin' sandwich.
Continue if you like!
NELLY: A String of Pearls, that's what it was. A la da dee da la....
(pause)
TAM: And I said to the sergeant, the bus wasn't going to stop for me. I'm on disability. If I hadn't have rapped out with the stick it would have gone straight past.
NELLY: What?
TAM: The bus! Not another one for two hours. I would have had to walk all way to Brockley Whins with me bad you-know-what. (Pause) Look at them fokkin' kids. He'll have the other one's eye out in a minute. (Shouts at the boys.) Oi! Ya little bastards. I'll tell ye mams, the pair o yees. Shouldn't you be in school anyroad? Don't yoww tell ME ta fokk off, or I'll come over and wallop you one, straight across the 'ead.
(pause)
So, they said, Mr Carr, we're arresting you for criminal damage and being drunk and disorderly. They'd taken fokkin' samples in that cop shop and the devil knows what, and I said have yow not heard of harrassment, 'cos you're harrassin' me...
NELLY: Or was it In The Mood? A la da dee da la... (pause) I'm cold.
TAM: You're always cold.
NELLY: Don't know why we always come here, day after day. Let's go back.
TAM: We cannant go back! Remember? Big George with the pitbull? What you said about his missus, even if it was true and half the estate knows it too? And what ya did? Knockin' the windows through in the flat? And yow knowin' he's a friggin' psychopath?
NELLY: Like you did in the bus? You could've got jail for that!
TAM: But I didn't. They were in the wrong. I was a man with a disability. They should have stopped.
NELLY: You cut that woman with that glass. She was sitting just inside. She was pregnant too. You should have got time for that. I've got time. Fokkin' time being with you. Who'd have thought. Thirty years.
TAM: Rhapsody in Blue.
NELLY: That was it. (Smiles.) A la da da a la da da a la dee dee...
TAM: No, it's a la da da a la de de a la da da...
NELLY: No, it fokkin' ain't!!!! It's a la la da da da la la a de de de...Oi! Yow two little bastards. Stop laughin' at us and get back to knockin' shite out of each other or I'll tell your mams...Don't you dare use that sort of language to a woman, yow foul mouthed little fokkers!!!!
TAM: Yow tell 'em Nell! haw haw!!! I love comin' here!
NELLY: So do I. Another sandwich, love?
TAM: Yes please. Don't drop it on the floor like the last one. I could swear I tasted doghairs off of it....
NELLY: Get your own bleedin' sandwich.
Continue if you like!
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
FPC, you are a man of many talents...
~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~
F.ZAPPA
and very sweet to
I'd love to continue Fins, but you do such a marvelous job that anything I'd add would certainly fall short!
I'd love to see you continue it though!
Gots me a hankering for a cheese sammich now, dammit!
:rolleyes: he wanted little ol "us" to add lol
next time he comes to my town i want a signing.
LOL! You know?
MUM: Argh! You boys put them facking sticks down er I’ll set yer dad’s ta tanning yer hides with em! Sweet Mary and Joseph, I can’t leave ye two alone fer a minute and yer at each other’s throats with a nine inch nail! One of these days one of ye’ll kill the other, and then whose ass’ll ye set ta letting beat ya? WHO tell me? Who! Ta think ye were once such young sweet laddies, and now who’ll ‘ave a look at ya? Certainly not Miss Jenny McCreigh. She’s a young lassie of class and refinement and she’ll ne’er e’en bat an eyelash at either of ye, much less ask one o’ ye to the Sadie. Come with me, now. Come along! We’ll get yer two asses scrubbed clean and then we’re going to church! The Good Lord knows I’ve done all ah can with ye…. We’ll see if he ain’t got some proper redemption fer at least one o’ ya. Now… come along!
Nelly and Tam shared a glance and a smile seeing the boys were well cared for. Tam bent over to fish another sandwich out of her bag for Nelly who’d been distracted by the fussy whirlwind the missus came in with. They’d both noticed her fear replaced by concern and comfort knowing the two boys were safe. Safe at last. Safe for now.