Before The Flood
FinsburyParkCarrots
Posts: 12,223
More than copper shadows, more than long
tree leaf silhouettes upon the crack-
dusted sunbeige pavement, now a throng
of clouding black lays down upon the back
of summer afternoons to rain the night
of war upon our days of lust-made blight.
And more than gutter shallows, thunder full
and choking roads to nowhere, more than high
burst pulsing river roars, a flood will cull
us all, us hopeless waste, and bring on nigh
death's sealing black glut water pulsing grave.
No ark will come. No penitence will save.
tree leaf silhouettes upon the crack-
dusted sunbeige pavement, now a throng
of clouding black lays down upon the back
of summer afternoons to rain the night
of war upon our days of lust-made blight.
And more than gutter shallows, thunder full
and choking roads to nowhere, more than high
burst pulsing river roars, a flood will cull
us all, us hopeless waste, and bring on nigh
death's sealing black glut water pulsing grave.
No ark will come. No penitence will save.
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
Comments
I like that it's scary-ish, and dark-ish, and forboding, and plots our demise, so to speak. I like that it's hopeless.
I don't like the "crack-dusted, sunbeige", and I wish there was a stronger word for "rain" in L5. I'd like to see it "bust" down the night of war. Because it's a violent image, and "rain" is just too gentle.
The second stanza paints a good dark image, too. But, I do think that you're using too many words to describe the same thing. I'm thinking you can get more oompf with some economy. Now, if you're using a set form, well, then, you might be stuck with whatcha got.
Remember that crit you offered that guy who used too many words? Like the guitarist who just learned to solo, and doodled his way into being just too much, and for the sake of being just too much, because he could? While I wont currently agree with you on that particular assessment, I will say that I am guilty of it, here and there... and perhaps I have seen a trend in that fashion in your recent works. It seems that here you stretch where you could contract a bit.
Anyway. I hope it's cool that I offered crit on this, Fins. These are just, of course, my own opinions, lol... pass the salt
ciao
Rachel
I don't live in a desert, so pavements that are crack-dusted and sunbeige are unnatural and worthy of note. "Bust" sounds like American slang and not appropriate to the diction of the piece. Plus my poem's about rain, so there is no other word for rain than rain in this context. You can rain down a night of war metaphorically, but can you bust down a night of war? That doesn't make sense to me without some stretch of the imagination, and it doesn't fit the theme of the poem.
I don't see rain as gentle here. In "King Lear" the word is used repeatedly to evoke hellish torrents.
I stretch language these days because I want it to hurt the reader a bit, to make them feel a bit uncomfortable.
and you are right
our sidewalks are quite dusty
even my shoes are dusty
i hosed off the car yesterday, preparing it for a new coat of dust
fiber-liscious
i don't have all the words at my disposal, but I totally know what you mean.
You know I'm no student of form. I do look for meaning and sound and cadence, (and maturity, and lack of cliche) and that's pretty much it. If I knew what forms you stretched, and were intimate with them, enough to recognize them, I could chuckle and rib and call you clever and all of that. But like I said some years ago. I'm a hayseed who likes getting into people's head through whatever it is they give me to work with. Helps me get into my own head, too.
so yeah.
i like this one.
take care, you
A whisper and a chill
adv2005
"Why do I bother?"
The 11th Commandment.
"Whatever"
PETITION TO STOP THE BAN OF SMOKING IN BARS IN THE UNITED STATES....Anyone?
I miss your poems.
This was a REALLLLLLY good one!:):):):):):):):):):)
EXCELLENT vocabulary........:)
A whisper and a chill
adv2005
"Why do I bother?"
The 11th Commandment.
"Whatever"
PETITION TO STOP THE BAN OF SMOKING IN BARS IN THE UNITED STATES....Anyone?
I went the other week with my elder brother to Norfolk for the afternoon. We were right in the heart of the fens, a big flat part of the east of England that was all underwater until some very clever Dutch engineer drained it in the 1690s. The heart of the fens is this place called Denver - believe it or not - and there's this pub there called The Jenyn Arms. And the pub keeps just about the biggest turkey cock you ever saw. He came up to my knee, and at first I thought it was a little man at a Foghorn Leghorn convention. His legs were so big he looked like he was wearing baggy black trousers. And his plumage was like a Jefferson Airplane lightshow. You'd think he owned the place. And he had some belly on him. And his wife and kids were strutting around after him, coming up to check out the customers.
I'm sure there's a poem in that vision, somewhere.
I've been listening to so much catty crap going on lately...I need a decent camping trip!I was suppossed to go to the beach today,but wasnt feeling too chipper...I'd rather watch the presidential speech with mr. Blair and see whats going on.
A whisper and a chill
adv2005
"Why do I bother?"
The 11th Commandment.
"Whatever"
PETITION TO STOP THE BAN OF SMOKING IN BARS IN THE UNITED STATES....Anyone?
through a sunny birdwood tree
breathing golden apple teases
in a green dell, just for me
I like this one!
(I just noticed that you edited it. When did the poetry section change? )
Around midnight, Seattle time, I believe!
Yay!!!
And "hurting the reader"? I'm following you. Line 11 is painful but brilliant. Hard to read, but full of rich dark rewards once deciphered.
I sometimes wonder if you are an established poet who comes on here to test your stuff with us. You are quite good.
btw....editing! I had forgotten what it was like!
Go tell that to Maya Angelou.
Ah, should have said "Establishment", then.
The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird