Poetry exercise: writing a villanelle

FinsburyParkCarrots

A villanelle is a nineteen-line poem comprising five triplets and a quatrain. It will usually be rhymed aba aba aba aba aba abaa. It makes use of alternate repetition: for example, the first line of the first stanza will be repeated as the third line in the second stanza, and the third line of the first stanza will be repeated as the third line of the third stanza.

Here's WH Auden's poem Villanelle:

Time can say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time can say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time can say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away?
Time can say nothing but I told you so.
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

______

Please write your own villanelle(s) and share them with us.

burtschips

Very interesting, might try one day. In that mature post you said you could be considered an oracle in some tribes coz of the grey hair on your nose. That made me laugh, after one of your other posts I was going to reply and ask how old you are. I was thinking 126, was also going to say that I thought I should call you oracle or gandolf! You post very informative information.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Haha. No, I'm thirty-two, nearly thirty-three.

burtschips

ah well, a gandolf in the making then.

burtschips

It's a very beautiful structure or motion. It reminds me of waves.

FinsburyParkCarrots

Yes! It does. Google villanelles and look at some examples. They're beautiful.

FinsburyParkCarrots

I think I'll draft one in the next couple of hours. Anyone else want to have a go?

burtschips

I will try, sure.

Traver DiDiminico

I'm working one right now

Traver DiDiminico

Once divided...nothing left to subtract
My actions have set me apart from you
Some words when spoken can't be taken back

The path is well trodden but I've lost track
It seems there is nothing I can do
Once divided...nothing left to subtract

I search myself for what it is I lack
I find the nothingness inside rings true
Some words when spoken can't be taken back

As the sun goes down, colors fade to black
Still it seems my world is painted blue
Once divided...nothing left to subtract

Your spoken words were not based in fact
Your traitor lips betrayed what your heart knew
Some words when spoken can't be taken back

It is my turn, now, to pick up the slack
Not to worry about what may ensue
Once divided...nothing left to subtract
Some words when spoken can't be taken back

Note: read "based" in the fifth triplet as two syllabled

FinsburyParkCarrots

Cool! And Pearl Jam-inspired too!

ISN

it's a bit awkward....not used to doing this....here goes

When we have dreamt this sleep of days
nothing shall ever oppose our hopes,
and waking we shall find death erased.

Sleeping in sun, in swollen rays.
Sending out sighs to scope -
when we will dream this sleep of days.

Love, only fill me with your gaze!
before death and I elope,
and waking you shall find death erased.

Walking through night the music plays;
we hum silently. (For words we won't grope)
when we have dreamt this sleep of days.

I labour for love, but love always strays.
I'm sleeping and dreaming and climbing a slope
but waking I shall find death erased.

Oh, you have my heart in softened stays,
and your voice is its gorgeous rope.
Hang me, and even then I will praise,
when we have dreamt this sleep of days.

Traver DiDiminico

ok, good effort and I don't mean to nitpick but I'm not sure you got the format correct.

ISN

oh, I tried so hard....he didn't say anything about metre....just aba aba...etc.....I even copied out his instructions......he never mentioned metre.....so embarrassed......sorry....

ISN

FinsBubble....come and invigorate....I mean invigilate.....heheheheh

FinsburyParkCarrots

Well, there are no strict rules about metre in villanelles but conventionally, a lot of writers use iambic pentameter.As strict villanelles go, you have to repeat the line word for word each time, but for a near-villanelle this is fine. You get near-sonnets and near-sestinas, after all.

ISN

thx....FinsBubble....maybe I shouldn't have bothered.....

Traver DiDiminico

ISN wrote:

oh, I tried so hard....he didn't say anything about metre....just aba aba...etc.....I even copied out his instructions......he never mentioned metre.....so embarrassed......sorry....

Oh, i'm sorry. I didn't mean the meter. I didn't even pay attention to the meter. What I meant was you didn't follow the pattern of alternating repeating lines (google villanelle). Don't feel bad. A villanelle is very hard to write (in fact, one could argue that they are silly and arbitrary). Unless you're god, a villanelle should really be approached as an exercise. You can count on one hand the number of poets who have written villanelles that are truely great poems.

P.S. I always read but I rarely respond and I feel obligated to tell you that I always enjoy reading your work.

ISN

thx Traver....I was jus being petulant.....I purposely changed the words in the villanelle.....because I thought that was imaginative, and added a twist....I can rewrite it with the same phrases......repeated......I didn't know the whole poem would fall into disfavour if I tweaked it a bit......so I'll try to re-write it to make it a proper one.....(I'm glad you read my stuff.....half of it's rubbish......the rest is okay.....hehehehehe....:D )

ISN

When we have dreamt this sleep of days
nothing shall ever oppose our hopes,
and waking we shall find death erased.

Sleeping in sun, in swollen rays.
Sending out sighs to scope -
when we have dreamt this sleep of days.

Love, only fill me with your gaze!
before death and I elope,
and waking we shall find death erased.

Walking through night the music plays;
we hum silently. (For words we won't grope)
when we have dreamt this sleep of days.

I labour for love, but love always strays.
I'm sleeping and dreaming and climbing a slope
and waking we shall find death erased.

Oh, you have my heart in softened stays,
and your voice is its gorgeous rope.
Hang me, and even then I will praise,
when we have dreamt this sleep of days.

boo.....shoo.....moderators.....short....10 characters

burtschips

This is hard, quite tortuous, probably reads so..... I undertsand why many smoked opium. It's not complete, so a demi-villanelle. It's about waves.


Waves

A wave courts the sparkling shimmering shore
Recalled by natures rhythmic meter of time
As a lunar tremor memorised in tidal law

Such smoothly silent bodies seem demure
For in fright and grievance lies the unheard chime
A wave courts the sparkling shimmering shore

Felt as an echoe from within its deepest core
A message of promise with untold crime
As a lunar tremor memorised in tidal law

In such fears the truth is born
from a silent knowledge that is mine
A wave courts the sparkling shimmering shore



I'm going to try the last two stanzas later.