An old one
FinsburyParkCarrots
Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
Gogmagogs, Wandlebury, Cambridge, 1250 BC, near Budgens. A bit of brown gurgling swamp, a few mosquitoes flapping about banging into one another, and one or two nice trees here and there. And some ye olde sunne shining a bit. Sounds of creaking and splashing, and cries of "Heeeeeeeeeeaaaaave hoooooooooo!!, Heeeeeeeeeeeeeavvve hoooooooooooo!!"approaching from the dank mire mist. Then, mid-distance, the sight of a giant galley ship, the prow festooned with a gigantic stuffed octopus, approaching across the muddy fen. More Heeeeeeeeeeeaving and creaking, huffing and puffing as the ship shunts forward into view. On the deck, AGAMEMNON, eating a packet of cod and chips; ODYSSEUS, looking through his binoculars, and sundry armoured fellows standing about whispering whether they'll get time for a swift half and game of skittles after a bit.
AGAMEMNON: Face it, we're lost.
ODYSSEUS: No, I'm telling you this is the site of Troy. Definitely. The soothsayer said, just as we were pulling out from Norwich - - (shouts down the deck at the galley slaves) - - Heeeeaveee!!! Heaaaave!!! Keep rowing!!! Of course it's water!!! - - yes, the soothsayer said, if the eagle flies invisibly over the bus shelter outside the dole office at approximately 38 degrees backwards singing Green Green Grass of Home so quietly only fish and he with his psychic ear can hear it, then we must sail on for Cambridge, dear boy.
AGAMEMNON: Heeeeeeaveeee hooooooooo!!!! Heeeeavvvvve hoooooooo!!!!!!!
(sounds from the galley, groans)
Heeeeeeeaveeeee hooooooooo!!!!!! Heeeavvvvvvvve hooooooooo!!!!!!!!
Are you sure this isn't dry land?
ODYSSEUS: Nah, mate. This is ye mighty fabled Hellespont, watery pass between the great Occident and all things mysterious and East.
AGAMEMNON: Well, I saw a sign saying Welcome to East Anglia, Road Services Half a Mile: jellied blood pie, elk's armpit saveloys and Peasants' Delight served while u wait... That's when I jumped off ship to buy these chips ...
ODYSSEUS: What's Peasants' Delight?
AGAMEMNON: Septic newt, rancid buttermilk pastry and lashings of hot voles' nose served with a delicious essence of yak.
ODYSSEUS: Yum.
AGAMEMNON: (Pointing ahead) Pass us your binoculars a sec, Oddy, I think I see someone coming this way. Funny looking chap: red face, freckles, hair sticking shock up, big moon eyes, two sets of front teeth. Hopping this way with a wheelbarrow full, if I'm not mistaken, with turnips.
ODYSSEUS: That must be the beautiful Paris Alexandros, captor of the fair Helen of Menelaos.
(calls out)
Hey, You Sir!!!!
(Yokel hops happily up to ship with wheelbarrow cranking, dropping turnips aplop into the swampy bog)
YOKEL: Ooooo - heeehooo heehoooo heehhoooo me, sir? Ya wants meeee? A huuurrr hurrrr heee harroooooo oi'm a jiggly box of frogs as oi was walkin' the market road come all ye young rovers harrooo harroooo ...... foidee diddle oi doh....
ODYSSEUS (to Agamemnon): Yes, definitely the hallmark of royalty.
AGAMEMNON: What, the webbed feet?
ODYSSEUS (to the Yokel): My lord, be you Paris Alexandros, son of mighty Priam, famed principal of Troy, brother of the mighty Hector, captor of the beautiful Helen wife of Menelaos, brother of Agamemnon, this bloke here?
YOKEL (Munching a turnip): Say oi warrssss .... (munch munch) ..... an' say oi warrrsssnt .... ( crunch crunch) .... Dat be plain te say, in plain English loike is plain as plain can be ... dat oi moight be .... an' oi just moightn't ... (chew munch etc)
ODYSSEUS: The fellow's an expert equivocator!! Master of evasion. Ahhh, that's a sign of nobility! Sheeer class! We're no match for this philosopher king. Oh yes, this chap's a slick operator, smooth ...
YOKEL: (Munch munch ....)
ODYSSEUS: ... Debonair ...
YOKEL: (Scratches his fleas)
ODYSSEUS: Sophisticated, versed in the subtleties of linguistic acrobatics....
YOKEL: (Burps) ... urrrr, beg 'scusin' moi pardon....
ODYSSEUS: Yes, the poor dear Helen didn't stand a chance with a bounder of his consummate finesse. (To Yokel.) Now, Sir Cad, cruelhearted Trojan lothario, tell me this, by the name of mightiest Zeus, son of Mike Chronos, kazoo player with the legendary Elvin Chronos and the Chronos Brothers: Where is the precious Helen kept, so that we may escort her back up the mighty waters of Wandlebury out to Great Yarmouth, for a nice day out to see Keith Harris and Orville the Duck perform Babes in the Woods with the Moscow State Stoatwobblers?
YOKEL: Ah, dat'd be tellin'....
ODYSSEUS: The implacability!
AGAMEMNON: The guile!
ODYSSEUS: The ... horr-or... the horr-or.....
YOKEL: Oi loves the smell of turnips in dah mornin' ....
AGAMEMNON: Apacketofchips Now?
YOKEL: Did anybody see moi goat?
AGAMEMNON: Ahhh, the cunning of the man! Riddle me riddle me wry! Ten years of vicious war ahead, fighting on the beaches of ... er... Newport Pagnell....
ODYSSEUS: O Sing, sing in me --
YOKEL: Yow what?
ODYSSEUS: Quiet! I'm incanting! O sing in me muse, the song of Cherry Hinton Ladies' Darts Society, who met every Thursday Night in the Pig and Whistle to play 301 and eat copious ham and cucumber sandwiches at the interval, while noble Paris sat in the corner singing Ode To A Lump of Coal while harbouring the secret whereabouts of the mysterious Helen of Mycenae, beauteous bewitching bride of our great feared ruler of Sparta....
AGAMEMNON: Or we could just go for that game of skittles.
ODYSSEUS: Let's do that then. Paris? Never mind Helen - and no, I DON'T want the rest of your turnip! Come on, we're going to the Pig and Whistle...
(Exeunt all. Ship sinks in brown gurgles... a cowpat-fly nods sagely. Yes. Yes. He understands.)
AGAMEMNON: Face it, we're lost.
ODYSSEUS: No, I'm telling you this is the site of Troy. Definitely. The soothsayer said, just as we were pulling out from Norwich - - (shouts down the deck at the galley slaves) - - Heeeeaveee!!! Heaaaave!!! Keep rowing!!! Of course it's water!!! - - yes, the soothsayer said, if the eagle flies invisibly over the bus shelter outside the dole office at approximately 38 degrees backwards singing Green Green Grass of Home so quietly only fish and he with his psychic ear can hear it, then we must sail on for Cambridge, dear boy.
AGAMEMNON: Heeeeeeaveeee hooooooooo!!!! Heeeeavvvvve hoooooooo!!!!!!!
(sounds from the galley, groans)
Heeeeeeeaveeeee hooooooooo!!!!!! Heeeavvvvvvvve hooooooooo!!!!!!!!
Are you sure this isn't dry land?
ODYSSEUS: Nah, mate. This is ye mighty fabled Hellespont, watery pass between the great Occident and all things mysterious and East.
AGAMEMNON: Well, I saw a sign saying Welcome to East Anglia, Road Services Half a Mile: jellied blood pie, elk's armpit saveloys and Peasants' Delight served while u wait... That's when I jumped off ship to buy these chips ...
ODYSSEUS: What's Peasants' Delight?
AGAMEMNON: Septic newt, rancid buttermilk pastry and lashings of hot voles' nose served with a delicious essence of yak.
ODYSSEUS: Yum.
AGAMEMNON: (Pointing ahead) Pass us your binoculars a sec, Oddy, I think I see someone coming this way. Funny looking chap: red face, freckles, hair sticking shock up, big moon eyes, two sets of front teeth. Hopping this way with a wheelbarrow full, if I'm not mistaken, with turnips.
ODYSSEUS: That must be the beautiful Paris Alexandros, captor of the fair Helen of Menelaos.
(calls out)
Hey, You Sir!!!!
(Yokel hops happily up to ship with wheelbarrow cranking, dropping turnips aplop into the swampy bog)
YOKEL: Ooooo - heeehooo heehoooo heehhoooo me, sir? Ya wants meeee? A huuurrr hurrrr heee harroooooo oi'm a jiggly box of frogs as oi was walkin' the market road come all ye young rovers harrooo harroooo ...... foidee diddle oi doh....
ODYSSEUS (to Agamemnon): Yes, definitely the hallmark of royalty.
AGAMEMNON: What, the webbed feet?
ODYSSEUS (to the Yokel): My lord, be you Paris Alexandros, son of mighty Priam, famed principal of Troy, brother of the mighty Hector, captor of the beautiful Helen wife of Menelaos, brother of Agamemnon, this bloke here?
YOKEL (Munching a turnip): Say oi warrssss .... (munch munch) ..... an' say oi warrrsssnt .... ( crunch crunch) .... Dat be plain te say, in plain English loike is plain as plain can be ... dat oi moight be .... an' oi just moightn't ... (chew munch etc)
ODYSSEUS: The fellow's an expert equivocator!! Master of evasion. Ahhh, that's a sign of nobility! Sheeer class! We're no match for this philosopher king. Oh yes, this chap's a slick operator, smooth ...
YOKEL: (Munch munch ....)
ODYSSEUS: ... Debonair ...
YOKEL: (Scratches his fleas)
ODYSSEUS: Sophisticated, versed in the subtleties of linguistic acrobatics....
YOKEL: (Burps) ... urrrr, beg 'scusin' moi pardon....
ODYSSEUS: Yes, the poor dear Helen didn't stand a chance with a bounder of his consummate finesse. (To Yokel.) Now, Sir Cad, cruelhearted Trojan lothario, tell me this, by the name of mightiest Zeus, son of Mike Chronos, kazoo player with the legendary Elvin Chronos and the Chronos Brothers: Where is the precious Helen kept, so that we may escort her back up the mighty waters of Wandlebury out to Great Yarmouth, for a nice day out to see Keith Harris and Orville the Duck perform Babes in the Woods with the Moscow State Stoatwobblers?
YOKEL: Ah, dat'd be tellin'....
ODYSSEUS: The implacability!
AGAMEMNON: The guile!
ODYSSEUS: The ... horr-or... the horr-or.....
YOKEL: Oi loves the smell of turnips in dah mornin' ....
AGAMEMNON: Apacketofchips Now?
YOKEL: Did anybody see moi goat?
AGAMEMNON: Ahhh, the cunning of the man! Riddle me riddle me wry! Ten years of vicious war ahead, fighting on the beaches of ... er... Newport Pagnell....
ODYSSEUS: O Sing, sing in me --
YOKEL: Yow what?
ODYSSEUS: Quiet! I'm incanting! O sing in me muse, the song of Cherry Hinton Ladies' Darts Society, who met every Thursday Night in the Pig and Whistle to play 301 and eat copious ham and cucumber sandwiches at the interval, while noble Paris sat in the corner singing Ode To A Lump of Coal while harbouring the secret whereabouts of the mysterious Helen of Mycenae, beauteous bewitching bride of our great feared ruler of Sparta....
AGAMEMNON: Or we could just go for that game of skittles.
ODYSSEUS: Let's do that then. Paris? Never mind Helen - and no, I DON'T want the rest of your turnip! Come on, we're going to the Pig and Whistle...
(Exeunt all. Ship sinks in brown gurgles... a cowpat-fly nods sagely. Yes. Yes. He understands.)
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I'm simple, but I can see the humor anyway.
http://www.troy-in-england.co.uk/index.htm
Rory lives in Cambridge. I've played on his guitar. (End of name drop.)
welllll... not to be rude or anything but when i saw your pic in the old photos not chat thread.. i noticed a slight resemblance to Rory... never thought the word "slight" would be used in the same sentence as Rory but ne'ermind
Did he chase you when he caught you playing on it?
playing tonight at The Firkin Sake ..... The Doppelgangers
I hope I'm a bit funnier.