...xil...

Ali

She never knew what she wanted.
Obsessions by the leeway.
A trick of the hand with a deck of cards and an unwanted dealer.
A universal dream to learn facts on histories and anatomies.
A vision of youth forever lasting.
Maybe to visit the elderly and to heal the sick.
Or she should just give up,collect social security, and waste her life away with some miserable fuck of a husband.
Better yet,eat the cow.
A wiseman once said roses only wither,but she keeps hers dried and hanging on the wall.
Without a true love,one can only part the waves and dot the i's.
And there are no i's in love.
Only u's.

Righteous Jammer

Love the ending Ali.......

pacifier

I like this. I used to write about love and never finding a lot before I found it. And I never knew what I wanted from life, would change my mind from one minute to the next. Love cleared that up too, finally i had a vision for the future and things became much clearer. Never really believed I would find love, so it is an absolutely crazy scary amazing feeling when it happens. Anyway, enough about me. The poem is great.

grooveamatic

"Better yet, eat the cow."


The whole thing is fantastic.

Nothingbetter

Very cool, Ali

Kovo

"And there are no i's in love.
Only u's."

Amazing line.

Ali

Thank you guys,,,this oines true to the heart...dedicated to a special guy at 41.....:)

May he and we find our way through the world.....:);)

ISN

I'm on an honesty run tonight......total crap!!!! you have got to start writing poetry soon Ali......this shit is dumb......(honesty.....what would we do without you)

Ali

and i thought that this was one of my best,ISN!!!!!!!!!;)

FinsburyParkCarrots

I'll take a considered appraisal over lazy "honesty" anyday. Try to play with the typography of this piece, Ali, and see what presents itself. For example:

She never knew what she wanted.
Obsessions by the leeway.
A trick of the hand with a deck of cards and an unwanted dealer.
A universal dream to learn facts on histories and anatomies.
A vision of youth forever lasting.
Maybe to visit the elderly and to heal the sick.
Or she should just give up,collect social security, and waste her life away with some miserable fuck of a husband.
Better yet,eat the cow.
A wiseman once said roses only wither,but she keeps hers dried and hanging on the wall.
Without a true love,one can only part the waves and dot the i's.
And there are no i's in love.
Only u's.

Do some lines seem as if they could be conflated for conciseness and maintain the structure and flow of the piece? What lines stand out?

Also, are there any lines that read more like prose? I mean, do they convey meaning through the agreement of nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs and prepositions? Would you rather, as I think a lot of poetry readers would, that your language suggests an emotion through sound patternings, images and metaphors rather than straightforward syntax? If so, could you foreground poetic over prosey discourse?

Are there more images that come to mind that could "show" rather than "tell" this:

"Or she should just give up,collect social security, and waste her life away with some miserable fuck of a husband."

I find that bit overlong in sentence structure and a bit rambling. Is there an image you could pick to suggest this whole idea more immediately?

Also, in this line there's a mix of metaphors, of parting waves and writing:

"Without a true love,one can only part the waves and dot the i's.
And there are no i's in love.
Only u's."

The parting waves part should go because you maintain the writing metaphor.

Just some suggestions. There's a poem here ready for shaping. Keep working on it. It's not crap. It's just a sketch of something that will be good with attention.

Ali

Thank you finns.

I do see something very original in its structure and meter.
A song only I understand.
I cant help but like it!!!!!!!!!!!;)