cover me
catefrances
Posts: 29,003
it's nearly midnight and i'm home alone. a full moon lights the night. but it doesn't light my life. everyday i try to think of reasons to stay. and every day i fail. every morning i wake. and every morning i wish i hadn't. i stand beneath the shower and hope the hot water will erode my being from existence. one day i will look down and see my skin, my blood and my bones disappear down the plughole. and i will be free. every day i am disappointed.
as i sit here and drink this wine, i look into the glass and imagine it is my blood that fills my stomach. i can taste it on my tongue and feel it as it slips down my throat. i feel it fill my very being. i drink and write. and write and drink. the letters flow into each other but i know what i am doing. i know what i am writing. i write my elegy. and it is good. i am good. i lied. i am not home alone. my children sleep in their bed. the tears i cry are for them. they will wake in the morning and find me. they will try to wake me as they always do. i will not wake up. it breaks my heart that i will break their hearts. then why do it. if i know how it will affect those around me why do it? i do it because i need to do it. i need to go away from this place. should i stay for them? i know what you're thinking. am i being selfish? is that such a bad thing? i can no longer stand to look at myself in the mirror. all i see is the lie. i finish the wine. i run my hand over my body feeling every inch. i like the way my cold fingers feel on my warm skin. it turns me on. i hold the blade above my skin. i breathe deeply. i hold the blade to my skin and push. it doesn't hurt and the blood comes. them it hurts. i like blood. i always have. to me as a woman it means life. in childbirth we bleed and it brings forth life. that is power. and this is power. tonight i will die. i have decided my time is up. i have nothing left to give. i have to force myself to continue. it is against nature to hurt oneself. but i want this bad enough that i will beat every survival instinct in my body. to feel the blood flow from me is something i can't describe. i lift my arm to my lips and taste my life. i suck and it hurts. but it feels good. my skin is so white and so soft. i must have fallen asleep because well... i woke up. it is time for my left hand to do it's work. i'm tired. i shiver with the cold and wrap the quilt around my shoulders. the blood on my fingers has dried and i lick. i think of a man. i think how they can make you feel. i think that maybe next time, to feel a man's lips on my skin would be a nice memory to have at the end. then i realise there will be no next time. men are a distraction. my right arm is open and my life force flows. it flows and stains my sheets red. it flows and takes my life with it. i close my eyes and will myself to leave. i close my eyes and my body throbs with the pain. i dig my nails into my face and my breath catches in my throat. i am tired. i stare at the ceiling. it is dark but still i stare. the night air creeps in over the windowsill and i feel it on my naked skin. again i touch my cold fingers to my body. down my cheek, across my lips. my tongue curls around my finger wanting something i can't give. the coldness touches my throat, down to my breasts. my nipples are hard from the night air. i circle them with my fingers until i feel a pull in the pit of my stomach. it feels so good. i smile. i rest my hand on my belly. i hear one of the children cry out in the dark. i am running out of time. my hand continues it's journey and loses itself between my legs. now i know i don't have the strength for what i want just one last time. but inside my body is so so warm. and i've always liked my own warmth. my body shudders. i lose my concentration. i'm losing my way. it is time. i choose my music and close my eyes. i can feel a tear dry on my cheek. i can feel something pulling me. i can feel something holding on. i struggle. i don't know which way i want to go. i let myself go. it will choose which way it wants to go. i can feel nothing. i can feel nothing. i am nothing...........
as i sit here and drink this wine, i look into the glass and imagine it is my blood that fills my stomach. i can taste it on my tongue and feel it as it slips down my throat. i feel it fill my very being. i drink and write. and write and drink. the letters flow into each other but i know what i am doing. i know what i am writing. i write my elegy. and it is good. i am good. i lied. i am not home alone. my children sleep in their bed. the tears i cry are for them. they will wake in the morning and find me. they will try to wake me as they always do. i will not wake up. it breaks my heart that i will break their hearts. then why do it. if i know how it will affect those around me why do it? i do it because i need to do it. i need to go away from this place. should i stay for them? i know what you're thinking. am i being selfish? is that such a bad thing? i can no longer stand to look at myself in the mirror. all i see is the lie. i finish the wine. i run my hand over my body feeling every inch. i like the way my cold fingers feel on my warm skin. it turns me on. i hold the blade above my skin. i breathe deeply. i hold the blade to my skin and push. it doesn't hurt and the blood comes. them it hurts. i like blood. i always have. to me as a woman it means life. in childbirth we bleed and it brings forth life. that is power. and this is power. tonight i will die. i have decided my time is up. i have nothing left to give. i have to force myself to continue. it is against nature to hurt oneself. but i want this bad enough that i will beat every survival instinct in my body. to feel the blood flow from me is something i can't describe. i lift my arm to my lips and taste my life. i suck and it hurts. but it feels good. my skin is so white and so soft. i must have fallen asleep because well... i woke up. it is time for my left hand to do it's work. i'm tired. i shiver with the cold and wrap the quilt around my shoulders. the blood on my fingers has dried and i lick. i think of a man. i think how they can make you feel. i think that maybe next time, to feel a man's lips on my skin would be a nice memory to have at the end. then i realise there will be no next time. men are a distraction. my right arm is open and my life force flows. it flows and stains my sheets red. it flows and takes my life with it. i close my eyes and will myself to leave. i close my eyes and my body throbs with the pain. i dig my nails into my face and my breath catches in my throat. i am tired. i stare at the ceiling. it is dark but still i stare. the night air creeps in over the windowsill and i feel it on my naked skin. again i touch my cold fingers to my body. down my cheek, across my lips. my tongue curls around my finger wanting something i can't give. the coldness touches my throat, down to my breasts. my nipples are hard from the night air. i circle them with my fingers until i feel a pull in the pit of my stomach. it feels so good. i smile. i rest my hand on my belly. i hear one of the children cry out in the dark. i am running out of time. my hand continues it's journey and loses itself between my legs. now i know i don't have the strength for what i want just one last time. but inside my body is so so warm. and i've always liked my own warmth. my body shudders. i lose my concentration. i'm losing my way. it is time. i choose my music and close my eyes. i can feel a tear dry on my cheek. i can feel something pulling me. i can feel something holding on. i struggle. i don't know which way i want to go. i let myself go. it will choose which way it wants to go. i can feel nothing. i can feel nothing. i am nothing...........
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
Comments
(Angelina Jolie)
Please, respond!!!
Nothing's quite what it seems in the city of dreams.
(Wolfmother)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grand Rapids 2006
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
Nothing's quite what it seems in the city of dreams.
(Wolfmother)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grand Rapids 2006
Nothing's quite what it seems in the city of dreams.
(Wolfmother)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grand Rapids 2006
glad i could be of service
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say