laying my head on the railroad tracks....

catefrances

why does she do it? she has no answer except she feels like it. she goes so long with holding. ashamed of how she feels and how even after it doesn't make her feel any better. but she likes to see the result. she likes the colour as it flows. it has been months since the last time and for her a sense of pride at her strength emboldens her. she thinks she is strong enough for anything. but a part of her knows this is not true. the thoughts that run around her head cloud her judgement. she can feel the tension rising. when she opens the medicine cabinet she sees her weapon of choice sitting there...waiting for her. she hurriedly closes the door and retreats. why? why does she do this? why does she feel the need? to release the monster that builds with her. that is why. that is what she tells herself. tis a reason to feel as bad as she does. but then isnt that what the booze is for? yes... yes it is. but that isnt always around. its absence is a test. how long can she hold out before she folds. she seems to be always testing herself. it gives her a purpose. while she is waiting for the end to come she fills her life with these little challenges. she's not sure how dangerous he is to her yet. but she is willing to find out. the things he does she cant be around. it would make it too easy. she tells him what he does, he does cause its easy for him. he agrees. what she doesnt tell him is that she wants him help her destroy herself. so unfair of her but she doesnt care. she doesnt care much about anything anymore.

chadwick

wow.
huge.

catefrances

she needs a strength she doesnt have though she convinces herself she does.
she's so good with words that she convinces people she is fine and in control when she is not. she shows them what she wants them to know and nothing more. she is angry that she can not have what it is she wants, and so until she can get past whatever it is she is feeling, she will continue to bullshit everyone around her. and they won't even know it. thats how good she is at this game she plays. what they see as a strength she sees as her weakness. she will hit out without cause. without rhyme and without any fathomable reason. she will turn her back and walk away from those closest to her. she will antagonise those who make the mistake of dropping their defenses. she will become what she detests the most....a hypocrite.

catefrances

she needs a strength she doesnt have though she convinces herself she does.she's so good with words that she convinces people she is fine and in control when she is not. she shows them what she wants them to know and nothing more. she is angry that she can not have what it is she wants, and so until she can get past whatever it is she is feeling, she will continue to bullshit everyone around her. and they won't even know it. thats how good she is at this game she plays. what they see as a strength she sees as her weakness. she will hit out without cause. without rhyme and without any fathomable reason. she will turn her back and walk away from those closest to her. she will antagonise those who make the mistake of dropping their defenses. she will become what she detests the most....a liar and a hypocrite.

melodious

damn, cate, the ego centricism in me, makes me feel like we are family....twins, connected somehow....great truth...

elmer

hope your ok.

catefrances

she will step into the unknown. will she be caught? or will she fall to the bottom? will the wings she keeps folded be allowed to spread? to soar above the clouds that have her grounded. this is what she craves. but she doesnt know. a lack of faith? a lack of trust? a denial? if she fails what will be the cause? is she holding on too tightly? yes perhaps that is it. she must learn to breathe. to learn that she can not control another's actions. or thoughts. she has enough trouble owning her own baggage without taking on another's. she has decided. it doesn't matter anymore. she will do what she will do. the steps she takes will be her own. if it to be, then the pieces will fit. she can't make them. they will all just fit.

melodious

if it to be, then the pieces will fit. she can't make them. they will all just fit.


she must call upon patience...xox

catefrances

as each day passes her anxiety rises. how is it possible to have something but not have it? to feel that it is yours, thta ti is with you, but to feel it so precariously. a hand full of words and she’d be alone. a hand full of words and she’d not. she’s not doing too well at the moment and it crushes her. the way it is now is not fair. this is not how it is suppose to be. the way it could be is what she wants. she can say it all she wants but in the end it is not her decision to make. this interminably slow passing of time does not change how she feels, but it tests her like nothing else. patience? what is that? she must have been holding the door open for others when that was handed out. but she must find it. actually now she thinks about it she has been patient. now she is tired of being patient. she waits and it weighs upon her. she waits and it drives her crazy. she breaks down and feels like a fool. but still she waits. she knows what she wants and she will wait for it. she will wait until she can wait no longer. and then?

Spunkie

then it will end, the time frittered away in wanting what not is, the choice of unhappiness made, the cell she creates

catefrances

she stares at the other her. the one that looks back accusingly from the bathroom mirror. she knows. she knows she knows. she's been so good about this for so many months, but now the urge engulfs her and she struggles to ignore it. if ever she needed a drink, this was the moment. but of course she's given that up too. so virtuous she has become. for what? she feels the sharpness in her hand. she turns it over and over and runs her thumb along the edge. she takes it in her right hand and draws it along her skin. there's no blood cause there's no cut. that is not what she is trying to do here. she is resisting the urge. she hears the front screen door open and the sound seems to bring her back from wherever she was. she replaces the blade in its place. she misses the shelf and it drops into the sink. when she picks it up she cuts her finger. the subconscious working?

Spunkie

"It's like 10 thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife."

catefrances

she sits in the darkness watching the scene playing before her unfold. she should be immune to this kind of thing. but she is not. his confession cuts deep and she has no witty retort this time. she feels a betrayal she has never felt before. how can he just sit there so calmly and tell her what he had done? was there no guilt? was there no remorse? was he not even chastened by his revelation? he awaited her reaction. she knew this. what he would do next depended on how she reacted. her mind went numb. she was sure her heart stopped beating. she waited for it to explode beneath her ribs. she had no words for him. not right now. maybe not ever. she stood up and silently walked out of the room. she would wait until he had left. then, and only then would she be able to formulate a response worthy of such callous actions.

melodious

catefrances wrote:

she would wait until he had left. then, and only then would she be able to formulate a response worthy of such callous actions.

it is beneficial to meditate a bit before submitting response...this one little action makes that difference between reaction and response...

love your writing....food for thought and good for life....peace.

catefrances

melodious wrote:

it is beneficial to meditate a bit before submitting response...this one little action makes that difference between reaction and response...

and by this you mean?

catefrances

she woke up disturbed from her sleep. wanting. needing. longing. she'd been here before. and it never got easier. she clutched her hands to her body to stop them doing what it was they wanted to do. she couldnt go through that again. not now. she wouldnt allow herself such an indulgence. but it felt good to let it out. she wanted to sleep. she always wanted to sleep. she was out of words for him. none of them made any difference. she felt alone and she did not like that feeling. she wanted him with her. but there was nothing she could say. it seemed to fall on deaf ears. and for the first time in her life, she was tired of talking. words were always her friends. always a way to sort things out. but now they were failing her and she did not like it. not one little bit. it was time for her to rely on actions. to show him. but she needed him here for that. and he was not here.

deadnote

waiting for this
just drift awway
feeling brokeen
afraid of the things
that creep inside the head

an infinate aaamount of cash
brings everyone ttogether
and cassh is ssuppossed
to be wrong

but it feels sso natural